Choosing partner and younger children over unruly older children

[Storminateacup74]

There is lots going on in my extended family at the moment and my cousin has just had to put her two teenage children into care. Her oldest child left home at 16 and she doesn't know where he is or what he does now and her middle 2 were out of control and both had been excluded from school. She has a new partner now and 2 other children who are 5 and 7 now who are close to exclusion - she has been very lax in her parenting style no boundaries at all no bed times total free rein and her new partner has left her before because she will not disipline the children. Due to school exclusions social services have been involved and have said that they think the reason the younger ones behaviour is so bad is probably because they are copying the older ones. So to give the younger ones a chance she has to get them away from the older ones. Older childrens dad is inside so no option there. Social services asked us if we could have the older ones for a while but i hate admitting it but i would be scared knowing the things they have done and the way they treat people so we said no. Her partner also said he is willing to stay and try be a family but only if the older ones dont live with him anymore. Basically making her choose between her older kids or her younger kids and their dad. Social services said the only option is foster care for the older ones. They have been in care now for a few weeks but both kids have completely disowned her and she is beside herself with guilt ahout putting them in care. On the upside though her 2 younger ones are like different kids and I have heard on the grapevine that her teenage daughter is with a lovely family and is starting to conform more with societies norms. She says she should never be forgiven for choosing her partner over her children. Everyone always says you should always put your children first but in this situation I think she had to do what she did. Just wondered what others opinions are.

Sounds like she opted out of parenting a very long time ago.

I feel sorry for all the children involved.

She sounds a useless mother regardless of her partner.

All her children are damaged by her so in this instance its best off

She definitely brought it all on herself as a child she was very different to all of us and hated any type of disipline and being told what to do. My auntie and uncle were quite strict and she rebelled against this as soon as she could and swore she wouldn't bring her children up in this way. Her brother and sister were brough up exactly the same and never had a problem with their upbringing. But all she ever wanted when she was little was children and she was so loving and caring and she honestly thought she was doing the right thing - just so Horrible seeing her so down.

It's interesting that you are sorry for her when she has damaged her children's lives. I have very little sympathy for her.

They have been in care now for a few weeks but both kids have completely disowned her

They disowned her? Not from where I’m sitting.

poor teenagers.
but did social services really insist she choose which kids to put into care.....and then find foster homes so quickly?

Well, all the parents have let all the children down, haven't they? That's the essence of it.

However, if she was left with no choice, i.e. if SS cracked their whip, then I suppose she had to make the best of a bad situation. It's an odd turn of events, though.

Well I'm glad that the children are doing better but she clearly put a lot of things above her children a long time ago for it to get this bad.

Your cousin sounds like a useless parent. My sympathies lie with the children, 100%.

Social Services are not really making her choose one family over another, that’s how she’s portraying it or it’s being portrayed to you.
Your cousin made her choices a long time ago, before Social Services were involved. Her children suffered from those choices to a degree that SS removed them. Because of the choices.
What’s happening now is the results of her choices. The ones she made, regarding her older children.
Not exactly Sophie’s Choice here, move on.

I feel sorry for her and the kids actually.

It seems likely that she was damaged by her childhood and as a consequence wanted to find belonging in having her own children but lacked any parenting skills.

Obviously she is ultimately responsible for repeating the cycle and for having had so many children.

I do wonder why her eldest was able to disappear? Did she not contact anyone? I also wonder why the middle kids were able to get away with getting into enough trouble that they were excluded without services stepping in way before now.

I think in some ways the system has failed the kids as well as her.

I don’t think it is about choosing her partner over her kids. Her failure is in not realising much much earlier that she needed to improve her parenting TBH.

I also don’t understand why the younger ones didn’t go with their dad and enable her to keep the older ones?

I don’t feel sorry for her at all, the self serving witch. And it would probably be better if all the children were taken from her as she is clearly incapable. If I was a teen and my mum failed to raise me and then put me in care in favour of her younger kids and new partner I’d never talk to her again either

I also don’t understand why the younger ones didn’t go with their dad and enable her to keep the older ones?

Probably because she would have had to pay maintenance to the father.....

Also, this way she can abdicate responsibility of the older, more 'difficult' ones who are 'cramping' her 'style' and play happy families with her latest man.....win/win as far as she's concerned

She has failed all her children and they all will be damaged by her behaviour

Why couldn't another member of the family foster the younger kids, and the teenagers stay with their mum?

And also, the teenagers are under 16 right? And the other kids are 7 and 5, so the new man has been there for over 7 years, why hasn't he tried to improve any of their behaviour? Or helped raise his own children? They both sound useless.

So sad because she didn't intentionally bring them up bad she did what she thought was right. When she met her new parrtner he tried to get the older kids on the straight and narrow but he was just seen as strict. As a person my cousin is lovely so caring and kind just too soft. I sadly think itnis too late for then older children but hoping that between them they can keep the younger two on the straight and narrow now the influence of the older ones is no longer there. Both parents are getting help and support and parenting classes etc.

The influence is coming from the mum not the older children. Only time will tell. Unless she changes her parenting style then I would think that in 5-6 years time she will have the same outcome.

What kind of parenting was your cousin exposed to? Has she gone down the path of least resistance rather than take responsibility. Unfortunately there is often a hereditary pattern and for her elder dc it may be the last opportunity to break that. Foster care seems a positive option.

I don't feel sorry for her either. This is a mess purely of her own making. Five kids by two dads - one of whom is in prison - and no rules, no boundaries, no bed times, just letting her kids run riot? She's either completely stupid or just utterly irresponsible. I feel sorry for all the DC. It sounds like she's costing SS a bomb and they've reached the end of what they can do to help in the face of her inability or unwillingness to discipline her own DC. I'm glad the older DD is faring better away from her nonexistent care. Being fostered by decent families who know how to bring up DC sounds like the best hope for the older ones. I fear though that the younger ones will go off the rails too unless their mother is sent on an intensive parenting course and starts being a proper parent, rather than a lazy arse who can't be bothered to do the hard working of parenting.

She's not a lovely person though is she? Sounds like she has lived a chaotic lifestyle for many years, older kids to a man in jail, kids out of control with no boundaries etc etc.

It's actual laziness on her part, too damn lazy to bring structure and order to kids lives so they have some sense of a normal upbringing and then just goes on to have a load more kids with some-one else and doesn't even bother to take a moment of introspection to realise were she went wrong with the older ones continuing the same old mistakes

She isn't lovely and caring.
She has fucked up her children's lives. I hope she doesn't have any more children

This is someone who should have discovered contraception a long time ago instead of selfishly ruining children’s lives. Poor children, they have very little chance in life.