Sending a Facebook message to an ex.

[pollydollymolly]

When is it right or wrong to send a Facebook message to an ex?

Had a brief (3 months) but intense relationship with someone 20 years ago. We ended on bad terms as in he took my decision to end it badly. I was not in the right place to be entering a serious relationship which is the way it was heading and he didn't respond well to me ending it.

Looked him up on Facebook and whilst I harbour absolutely no romantic feelings for him whatsoever I would love to say hello. I can see that he is Facebook friends with his ex wife which is a surprise because the split wasn't amicable but they've both moved on I guess. I don't want to be his Facebook friend I just want to say "hi, glad you're doing well" because I am genuinely pleased for him and I also really liked him a lot. Is it really bad form to say "hi" to an ex on Facebook?

Likely it will boost his ego and it will look like you harbour feelings even if you don't!!
Can't see it ending well tbh.
Exes are best left in the past imo.

I can’t see the point to be honest - unless you want a response from him?

I think you do or why bother in the first place

I wouldn’t.
The relationship was brief and very long ago, I’d leave it in the past where it belongs.

I think it'll send the wrong impression if you get in touch.

It was a 3 month relationship.

It was 20 years ago.

I'm guessing the reason you want to contact him is you still feel bad that he might feel badly towards you and want absolution/forgiveness/get rid of any guilt about the way you ended it and how things were left.

You need to think about why that is. Contacting him would be weird given the duration of relationship and passing of time since.

Yes I do want a response not an essay just a hello. I definitely don't harbour any feelings for him. But for some reason he often played on my mind and I was upset that it didn't end well. I'm pretty sure that I won't contact him. I also have this awful feeling that he won't remember me 🙁.

Facebook is the work of the devil isn't it. So
much easier when you couldn't look up your past.

No that would be really weird, it was 3 months and he may not even remember you!

Yes and that is my fear averagewife. I remember absolutely everybody that I have had any romantic connection with but I don't think he is cut from the same cloth as me. It was however a very intense 3 months and lots happened in that short time but I appreciate that it might not have had the same meaning to him that it did to me. Although at the time he was the one planning for the future etc

I have someone that our last contact ended less than how I'd have wanted it to too. It's a difficult one as you feel what you do and how you move on is at the mercy of someone else if you do contact them. You might end up feeling worse .

Of course he'll remember you! Who can't remember a three month intense affair? Are you with someone now? Is he? I think there's so much room for misinterpretation. If I was with someone who got in touch with a previous lover with whom they'd had a very passionate affair, I'm not sure I'd be happy if they instigated contact now.

I think you have to ask yourself what, realistically, you'd gain from it. You can see that he is doing well and appears to have moved on, so you have no reason to feel bad about ending things. Is there anything more you could achieve by contacting him? If he blanked you, you might feel hurt; if he responded, could he tell you anything you haven't already deduced?

Yes we are both happily married with families now. I don't know what I hope to gain if I'm honest?

Although I was the one to end the relationship he actually had a huge amount impact on my life at the time, he was quite wise. I think because he had an influence on my life I'm not content that we ended on bad terms. If I'm honest I'm not really sure why I want to contact him? 🤔. Maybe because I can and because I don't like falling out with people.

As I said I'm 99% sure that I won't contact him I was just wondering what other people's opinions were.

I don't see the point really, maybe if you saw him in real life you could say hello and chat briefly, but this is cyber land and people's intentions get misinterpreted easily, you might end up taking the lid off a can of words and not able to ge it back on.

I agree fbook is lethal for connecting people who shouldn't know anything about another's life. I've just had an experience recently where an old flame of mine is now fbook friends with my sister.Ive not seen him for donkeys years, but it annoys me that he's popped via her..

Mumofthemonster - I hear what you're saying, it would annoy me if any of my ex's became friends with my sisters!

Facebook is weird though I have had people that I worked with on Saturday jobs when I was at school get in contact with me which is strange and I guess that's how I could come across to him if I did get in contact.

much easier when you couldn't look up your past.

Doesn't mean you need to or have to do it, though. I never look up my past. It's past for a reason.

Don't go there OP.... keep your life simple

Do you not ever have idle curiosity? Shatner?

What would your husband think ?

Would you feel happy if your husband contacted an ex?

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

3 months, 20 years ago?! Why?!

I just don’t understand why you would even consider this?

He’ll think you are wanting to start an affair, he won’t even remember you, or he’ll just think ‘WTF? Why?’....

You're probably right Offred. And that's why I won't make contact for those reasons. However people who I barely remember have contacted me from almost 30 years ago!

I don't think that he will think that I want to start an affair though.. His wife is better than me and we live in different continents!

I totally understand pollydolly and i am in touch on fb with various exes from my past (as is my partner). I wasn't sure it was a good idea but its been a form of closure for me - those sticky relationships that didn't end well, partners there was a romantic possibility with but it somehow wasn't quite right, feelings still harboured ... the sense of possibility ...
Being fb friends with my exes has done away with all of that - they are no longer romanticised in my mind - the notion of some golden romance that didn't find its moment is gone. They become real people - seeing them going grey, getting a paunch, dealing with troubled children and their lost dreams gives closure to the romantic ideal of forgotten relationships ... so I think I'd say go for it. Although equally my lovely memories have been slightly spoilt by seeing those people now in all their middle age glory.

Thanks onemorecup... interesting how your opinion differs from a lot of posters. I don't think I will contact him though as I am concerned that he will ignore me or not remember me! It would be weird if he had forgotten me but he had been in a lot of relationships!