Sending a Facebook message to an ex.

[pollydollymolly]

When is it right or wrong to send a Facebook message to an ex?

Had a brief (3 months) but intense relationship with someone 20 years ago. We ended on bad terms as in he took my decision to end it badly. I was not in the right place to be entering a serious relationship which is the way it was heading and he didn't respond well to me ending it.

Looked him up on Facebook and whilst I harbour absolutely no romantic feelings for him whatsoever I would love to say hello. I can see that he is Facebook friends with his ex wife which is a surprise because the split wasn't amicable but they've both moved on I guess. I don't want to be his Facebook friend I just want to say "hi, glad you're doing well" because I am genuinely pleased for him and I also really liked him a lot. Is it really bad form to say "hi" to an ex on Facebook?

I may occasionally think "wonder where X is now?" But I make no attempt to find the answer. Because it's irrelevant to my life now.

Erm, if you've looked him up on FB, chances are you will already be showing up on his "Suggested Friends". So leave it at that. He will get in touch if he wants to.

I am sure he will remember you. I am also sure that he will think you still have feelings for him and depending on what sort of man he is, he may ignore you message or be up for extramarital sex.

Blue I can't show up on the suggested friends because my security settings are too tight. Pretty sure he wouldn't be up for extra marital sex either!

What would be the point? My dh would be really pissed off if I started contacting an ex. And how would his wife feel if she knew? Seems like you want the drama of repercussions as opposed to genuinely saying hi, glad you’re doing wel or you want h8m to remember you fondly, both of which are selfish reasons for contacting him.

I don't want any drama Mael. As I say he is friends with his ex wife and they have far more history than we did. I don't think it's weird to send a message to an ex but I'm obviously in the minority so I won't.

I definitely don't want to stir up trouble for anyone and I don't think that I would because in the grand scheme of things our relationship was insignificant. I was fond of him that is all.

Polly, I don't think it works like that. Those algorithms are ruthless and nothing to do with your security settings. Mine are as strict as they get. If you PM me (I'm pretty sure we don't know each other or have friends in common!) I could look for you on FB and prove the point. I have a neighbour abroad with whom I have zero FB friends in common, and with no synced apps, FB threw him up as a suggested friend. Freaked me out.

You only show up as suggested friends if you can accept a friends request. Mine is set as "friends of friends" only so I can't show up on anyone's suggested contacts unless we have friends in common.

Oh OP I think you got a bit of a hard time on this! I don’t think it’s completely bizarre to want to say hi and give well wishes, I’m still really good friends with a couple ex’s and my dp doesn’t mind there’s nothing more to it, regardless of how long the realationship was when people have an impact on you for one reason or another it’s only human to want to reach out so imo that’s very understandable :)

After my recent experience of an ex contacting me after thirty plus years. I would leave it alone in my case it hasn't gone well. Sometimes the past is best left there. Wish i'd done just that.

Thanks notso. I was starting to doubt myself for a minute there!

What happened Oli?

How long ago was his first marriage?

Polly, there's a difference between friend requests and suggested friends. Please don't assume that looking someone up on FB will be anonymous, unless you use a sock puppet.

Look it had ended about a year before I met him so over 20 years ago.

Blue sock the suggested friends are only people whose security settings allow friend requests.

Blue screen not sock!

I nearly did this a few years back. I'd broken up with him and he was hurt. My friend made up some stuff that I'd apparently said to win him over, it worked, they dated and as usual she declared herself the love of his life, he was no longer 'damaged' by me 🙄🙄

I wanted to message him to apologise for hurting him, and to set the record straight. But in the end, it was all about me, what I wanted, how I felt. When I realised that, I knew it would be wrong to contact him. He may have met the love of his life since, he may be having the best time ever and a message from Ellen make him

So I say don't do it. Yours was 20years ago. A lot may have happened, it may have been intense. But he may just wonder why the fuck the blast from the past and worst case scenario blast you for how things ended, making you feel crap. Don't open Pandora's box.

Please don't take my word for it: ask someone you know and trust IRL who doesn't have your email address or phone number but who is on FB. Make an FB sock puppet with a different email address and ask them to search you on FB.

He could search for me on Facebook I know that, it wouldn't bother me if he searched although I don't think he would. But I can't appear on his "suggested friends".

I had this. Someone from 20 odd years ago sent me a message on FB asking after me. Like you, he had been the one to end it.

My first thought was 'fucking cheek'.

I did laugh at his audacity.

I didn't reply.

He could search for me on Facebook I know that, it wouldn't bother me if he searched although I don't think he would. But I can't appear on his "suggested friends".
You would, though, if you searched him.

Anyway, you don't want to believe this.

He could have contacted you but he hasn't. Leave it at that.

Bluescreen look at your suggested friends - they all can accept friend requests? FB don't give you suggested friends unless you can add them.

Anyway good point Ella which is why I won't bother.

I don't understand your motivation. You've deliberately looked him up and are contemplating sending him a private message. If I were his wife, I would be very suspicious of what you were up to. A friend request, all out in the open, in plain sight, because it was 20 years ago and you aren't looking to rekindle anything romantic, acceptable. A private message feels dodgy to me.

I don’t understand why there are so many negative posts about this.

I don’t think it’s weird to do this at all. I have got in touch via FB with a couple of people I had brief relationships with many years ago. I sent messages but didn’t friend request. In both cases they were pleased to hear from me, we had a short exchange of messages and caught up with each other’s lives. It was lovely and reassuring to find out we remembered each other and have had happy lives since then.

Another ex got in touch with me out of the blue a few months ago, also via FB and it was the same. A nice chat and then it fizzled out.

I love FB for this kind of thing. No need to go to any effort but you can briefly reassure each other that you haven’t forgotten important memories.