Making friends in a small, rural town - easier said than done!

[PaxUniversalis]

I’m new to MN. I’m 49, DH is 58. Married for 19 years, no children.

We moved from London to a small, rural market town in the Home Counties 12 years ago. I’d always thought making friends in a small town would be a doddle. I was wrong.

I’m self-employed and I work from home. DH commutes to work. His place of work is not in the local area so DH leaves home early and gets back late.

I travel for business every other month or so, anything from 2 to 6 days per trip (may include weekend work). DH travels around the UK for work regularly and he stays away 1 night per week. DH and I also go on holidays abroad or weekends away a couple of times per year, so we’re not always in town.

We like this town and we love our house. People are very friendly and the town looks pretty, BUT: we find it difficult to make friends here.
We’ve met a number of local people since we moved here 12 years ago, but there is only 1 other couple we actually meet on a regular basis (once or twice a month). We also go out for a meal with a group of other local people 2 or 3 times per year. All of these people are in their mid-50s to early 60s. Most of them have adult children and some of them have young grandchildren.

The town consists mainly of 1) families with young children, 2) schoolchildren & teenagers and 3) retired/elderly people. The local community is very oriented towards traditional families, SAHMs and retired people, and the community caters for them. There don’t seem to be many childfree people our age around (as far as we know).

DH and I enjoy living here and we have no plans to move, but on a social level life here can be pretty boring. Meeting a new person rarely develops into a firm friendship – they usually remain ‘casual’ acquaintances. A lot of people around here tend to lead quiet, regular lives and keep themselves to themselves. This town isn’t exactly ‘buzzing’.

We’ve lived here for 12 years and I’ve not made one friend the same age as me - I’m not joking. I’m 49 years old and I’m always the youngest person in the group when DH and I meet up with people. I don’t even feel 49 in my head yet! I’m grateful for any friendship people offer me but sadly I feel I have little in common with the people we know around here.

My interests are: good food and wine, dining out, countryside pubs, UK and foreign travel, reading, local community events, museums and art galleries, 20th century art & architecture, NT & English Heritage, photography, social history, listening to music including going to gigs and music festivals (early 1960s US soul, R&B, ska, rockabilly, some metal, some punk rock, some 70s/80s new wave, goth bands), buying & collecting vintage vinyl records.
Generally speaking I am an open-minded, inquisitive and creative person.

I’d love to have some friends in their 30s-40s (women and men) who – ideally - share my interests, and with whom I could meet up regularly for coffee or a meal, have a chat, have a drink in the local bars, go to an art/photography exhibition, maybe go to a gig at a music venue or pub, or see something historically or culturally interesting, or perhaps go on a day out.

It’s not that our town is full of middle aged or elderly people only. I see loads of 30- and 40-something women in town when I pop out to the local shops; a lot of them are mums with babies and toddlers in tow. Yet I never meet people of this age group in social situations. I really feel like I’ve been missing out on meeting local people my own age group.

I think I have more things in common with people my own age or a bit younger.

Or, with people of ALL AGES who are young at heart, who share at least some of my interests (e.g. my taste in music, modern art and architecture, photography), and who are equally inquisitive, open-minded and interested in the wider world, i.e. things happening outside their family bubble or the beyond the village limits.
I also tend to get on well with people who are a bit quirky and unconventional.

I sometimes wonder if our stagnant social life is related to us not having children, is it age-related, personality-related, or simply a matter of local demographics? I just find it really bizarre that I never make friends my own age here. Sometimes I wonder if we have chosen the ‘wrong’ town.
What do you think?

I mentioned those towns as a poster did above and they’re nearish to you (not the Kent ones).

But I think of other country towns further afield where (I’ve found it) easy to meet people - Hay in Wye, Totnes and Glastonbury. I think it depends on the crowd.

I agree you have got to make the effort and get out there. Try a few local groups, volunteer, start your own group. I would not rule out people of all ages, I have a friend who is decade's older. Are there any local committees that you can join? Knit and natter, drama, allotments, book club, sport, befriend someone older by visiting in person or weekly phone chat, first aider, pub quiz and you don't have to go every week, alot of people work strange shifts

I moved to a totally new village about eighteen months ago. I didn’t know anyone except my parents and it was really overwhelming. I’ve never struggled to make friends, though. Everyone has been more than friendly and I go out with colleagues after work or on days off, and they’ve introduced me to their friends and partners too. It’s been amazing.

I’m sorry to say, though, that if you move to a small village and then work from home or commute elsewhere, you’re purposefully isolating yourself unless you go out and volunteer or join local classes and groups. You can’t expect to move to a small community, work from home/away from home and make friends. It doesn’t work like that.

I met most of my friends through my job but my parents retired here (the reason I moved up after a relationship breakdown) and have made loads of friends through exercise classes, volunteering groups and the local running/walking club. My mum has a busier social life than I do!

You need to put the effort in. Small villages don’t really appreciate (in my experience) outsiders coming in, buying property and commuting elsewhere and not contributing to the local businesses or economy. If you have to (or choose to) work in a job that isolates you like that, you need to get out and make the effort if you want to make friends.

deepestdarkestperu it's the nature of our jobs. DH has looked into the possibility of working from one of their offices closer to home but his organisation won't let him. They say he's needed there. DH can't tell his boss 'sorry, but I don't want to work away/travel around the UK anymore'. It was part of the deal. The same goes for my job. If I wouldn't be prepared to work away I might as well pack it in. Given that I 'm a freelancer I do not have the security of a monthly salary and I may not earn as much as I did when I was an employee but I love the job. My working away is also set to increase.
We're not the only people working away. Think about long distance lorry drivers, business people, sales reps, people in the maritime sector, those who work in the music industry, there are so many.
We do spend our money in the local economy though. We buy food locally, we use local hairdressers, dry cleaners, gift shops, pubs, restaurants, etc.

Good news about the groups - that is a step forward.

I think, however, it is just (perfectly understandable) nostalgia to look back on how things worked in your home country of origin. However, there are probably huge cultural differences. English people generally place a very high value on privacy, independence and shy away from over-familiarity. I am very 'English' and wince inside when a shop assistant asks 'How are you?' at the till. To me that seems horribly over-familiar - but I accept that the world is changing a bit in that respect!

I am in my early 40s with a family and, when we go out for lunch, it is because we are trying to spend special time together - it is expensive for one thing! - so yes, I would engage with a couple at the next table if something occurred to spark off a conversation, but then we would probably naturally resume our own family conversation once the interaction had finished.

I also think it is about life-stage. Were you witnessing this social interaction in your home country when you were in your early twenties? I would go out to the pub at least once a week after work in my twenties, but now - I get more tired, need to be home for family reasons and just don't fancy it!

There is a woman down the road with whom I would like to strike up a friendship. I have been to her house for a small local event and also bumped into her in a shop, where I floated the possibility of her visiting me. I now need to go through the next stage of emailing her and asking her for a coffee - every instinct tells me that it has to be step-by-step. It seems odd, because life is short and why not have a friend tomorrow rather than next month? But that is how it seems to work.

English people generally place a very high value on privacy, independence and shy away from over-familiarity. I am very 'English' and wince inside when a shop assistant asks 'How are you?' at the till. To me that seems horribly over-familiar - but I accept that the world is changing a bit in that respect!

Sorry but this is bollocks. Some English are reserved, uptight, some are wildly sociable.

I’ve always found it easy to make friends, chat to people in shops, socialise a lot, have a big group of friends, always like to meet new people (as long as they don’t bore me). My husband’s the same.

Diff’rent strokes for diff’rent folks.

People do socialise that way here, OP - but they pick their "local" pub or bar, and go often, and then become friends with the other people who do the same. No one makes friends over Sunday Lunch just because they're sitting next to each other once in a gastropub.

Exactly this.

I also think you're putting too much emphasis on your 'creativeness'. If you're only looking to befriend creative people then you're going to miss out on a lot of fun.

I agree with MaybeDoctor, in that social interaction when you're young is very different from when you're older - it's more a question of time of life than what country you're in. When I frequented (and frequented is the operative word ) pubs/wine bars etc years ago then it was quite natural to get talking to other people/groups - basically people had an eye out for a likely prospect as much as anything!

When you're a boring old grown up you might politely nod at the adjacent couple or exchange a couple of words of banter if appropriate, but striking up a full conversation... no. I honestly don't think you would ever meet friends that way.

Just as with finding a mate, you often have to kiss a lot of frogs when trying to find likeminded friends. And some people are better at it. They seem to exude friendly vibes, whereas some of us have a forcefield of weirdness around us...

MaybeDoctor, TatianaLarina, AgathaF - thank you for your messages. There are cultural differences between the UK and my country of origin but they are not insurmountable. People in my home country value their privacy too - for example, it is simply not done to turn up at someone's house unannounced ('Oh, I was just in the area and I thought I'd come and see you'). However, when people go out socialising with friends or family they know how to party! And sometimes until late/the early morning hours. Things have changed a little bit in recent years because of the smoking ban, breathalysing by police (drink driving used to be a big problem) and dining out all the time is not exactly cheap, but people still like going out and socialising a lot.
One difference is the way in which we communicate. In my country of origin we are quite direct when we speak. I don't mean rude or offhand, just direct and to the point. It's normal and no one is offended. When I first moved to the UK I had to learn and 'read between the lines' a bit. Perhaps it depends on the person but people would say something and I gradually learnt that I had to interpret it differently, does this make sense? I've heard people say something is 'fun' or 'interesting' but they don't mean it's fun or interesting. To me it means exactly that.

LadyinCement - Just as with finding a mate, you often have to kiss a lot of frogs when trying to find likeminded friends. And some people are better at it. They seem to exude friendly vibes, whereas some of us have a forcefield of weirdness around us...

My parents had an enormous social circle. My father attracted people like flies, he had something charismatic about him. It also helped that he looked very dapper (he liked nice clothes and he thought one should always make the effort to dress up when going out) and he was also generous towards friends. He was very 'direct' (see my earlier post) and was not exactly shy to speak his mind. Some people described him as stubborn and difficult even, but they liked him for it.

Ah the old British irony it confuses many a foreigner.

Tatiana

I disagree, it is not 'Bollocks'. Obviously I didn't have the space or energy for a full description of English social interactions, taking into account regional and social-class differences - it was a generalisation - but I think that anthropologists such as Kate Fox ('Watching the English') would broadly agree that English people value privacy. There is also lots of research in workplace contexts showing that there are national differences in the way that people interact.

Anyway, returning to you, OP - do you think there is anything in the 'directness' or otherwise of your interactions that might be holding you back in forming friendships?

It was a wild generalisation. And one that, from your words, is based partly on your own personality, upbringing and personal experiences.

While it is true that there is a private, reticent, restrained ‘stiff upper lip’ stream to the general British character, there are equally opposing streams - socialibilty, communication, loquaciousness, fun loving, even raucous.

The British who get smashed and have sex in the street across the mediterranean every summer people are hardly people who value privacy.

I’m familiar with Fox’s work including the poor reviews on Amazon. I was not remotely convinced by it myself. I found it superficial and rather silly.

The Swiss are famous for their culture of privacy and secrecy; the French too consider privacy so important that affairs of politicians are not considered relevant to public life unlike here, they have no newspapers that truly rival our tabloids for invasive prurience, and whose privacy laws mean that estates agents will not publish location maps or floor plans, for example.

Different towns attract different types of people and develop their own type of social scene.

Marlborough has an arty antiquey crowd for example, Henley has a lot of social stuff focused on the rowing and the river, as well as good theatre and lots of arty cultural things going on. Both have a lot of Londoners who’ve moved out.

Some friends of mine recently moved to Oxford and have made loads of very interesting new friends and they’ve only been there since June.

But a friend of mine moved to Exeter and found it to be primarily very sporty not particularly culturally interested or interesting people, and not a lot going on.

MaybeDoctor 'directness' is a certainly a characteristic of people in my country of origin but I am not overwhelmingly direct. I am not 'in your face' or loud. I can be direct if I feel strongly about something.

I think most of my life I've been friendly and happy but reserved. I had a happy childhood. In friendships I connect with people who share my interests because I feel more at ease when talking about familiar topics or areas where I have knowledge/experience or things I'm passionate about. And sometimes little things can make a difference.

In my job I am confident and outgoing. I love what I do and I think (and hope) I'm good at my job.

Anyway, to answer your question, perhaps I'm reserved in my private life.
In some particular cases find it a bit of a challenge to interpret someone's body language or facial expressions, or the way they say things and then I think 'why are they looking at me like this' or 'why that tone of voice'?
When someone gives me a blank look for example, does it mean people haven't a clue or they disagree but don't want to show it? A wry smile and nothing else when I say I like a certain band or artist, for example. I wish people would just say they don't like the band, they're not a fan, or even if they think the band is complete rubbish. I wouldn't be offended. I'd prefer it to the wry smiles or the blank looks.
Or, even worse, when I express an opinion and the other person goes: 'Oh ....' and nothing else.
Perhaps it's the way I interact or react to people and things. I am generally a cheerful person though and interested in other people and in the wider world.

Maybe I found the directness of people in London easier to respond to?