Making friends in a small, rural town - easier said than done!

[PaxUniversalis]

I’m new to MN. I’m 49, DH is 58. Married for 19 years, no children.

We moved from London to a small, rural market town in the Home Counties 12 years ago. I’d always thought making friends in a small town would be a doddle. I was wrong.

I’m self-employed and I work from home. DH commutes to work. His place of work is not in the local area so DH leaves home early and gets back late.

I travel for business every other month or so, anything from 2 to 6 days per trip (may include weekend work). DH travels around the UK for work regularly and he stays away 1 night per week. DH and I also go on holidays abroad or weekends away a couple of times per year, so we’re not always in town.

We like this town and we love our house. People are very friendly and the town looks pretty, BUT: we find it difficult to make friends here.
We’ve met a number of local people since we moved here 12 years ago, but there is only 1 other couple we actually meet on a regular basis (once or twice a month). We also go out for a meal with a group of other local people 2 or 3 times per year. All of these people are in their mid-50s to early 60s. Most of them have adult children and some of them have young grandchildren.

The town consists mainly of 1) families with young children, 2) schoolchildren & teenagers and 3) retired/elderly people. The local community is very oriented towards traditional families, SAHMs and retired people, and the community caters for them. There don’t seem to be many childfree people our age around (as far as we know).

DH and I enjoy living here and we have no plans to move, but on a social level life here can be pretty boring. Meeting a new person rarely develops into a firm friendship – they usually remain ‘casual’ acquaintances. A lot of people around here tend to lead quiet, regular lives and keep themselves to themselves. This town isn’t exactly ‘buzzing’.

We’ve lived here for 12 years and I’ve not made one friend the same age as me - I’m not joking. I’m 49 years old and I’m always the youngest person in the group when DH and I meet up with people. I don’t even feel 49 in my head yet! I’m grateful for any friendship people offer me but sadly I feel I have little in common with the people we know around here.

My interests are: good food and wine, dining out, countryside pubs, UK and foreign travel, reading, local community events, museums and art galleries, 20th century art & architecture, NT & English Heritage, photography, social history, listening to music including going to gigs and music festivals (early 1960s US soul, R&B, ska, rockabilly, some metal, some punk rock, some 70s/80s new wave, goth bands), buying & collecting vintage vinyl records.
Generally speaking I am an open-minded, inquisitive and creative person.

I’d love to have some friends in their 30s-40s (women and men) who – ideally - share my interests, and with whom I could meet up regularly for coffee or a meal, have a chat, have a drink in the local bars, go to an art/photography exhibition, maybe go to a gig at a music venue or pub, or see something historically or culturally interesting, or perhaps go on a day out.

It’s not that our town is full of middle aged or elderly people only. I see loads of 30- and 40-something women in town when I pop out to the local shops; a lot of them are mums with babies and toddlers in tow. Yet I never meet people of this age group in social situations. I really feel like I’ve been missing out on meeting local people my own age group.

I think I have more things in common with people my own age or a bit younger.

Or, with people of ALL AGES who are young at heart, who share at least some of my interests (e.g. my taste in music, modern art and architecture, photography), and who are equally inquisitive, open-minded and interested in the wider world, i.e. things happening outside their family bubble or the beyond the village limits.
I also tend to get on well with people who are a bit quirky and unconventional.

I sometimes wonder if our stagnant social life is related to us not having children, is it age-related, personality-related, or simply a matter of local demographics? I just find it really bizarre that I never make friends my own age here. Sometimes I wonder if we have chosen the ‘wrong’ town.
What do you think?

It won't annoy people. One of my friends is about 53 and joined the local photography group. She's taken on some on call work so just goes when she can. I did a 10 week course at the local Arts University and several people missed a week or two due to work commitments, it's just how it is.

I am about your age and found a market town a bit difficult at first and said to DH that I found it hard to meet like minded people. I realised after a bit though that I needed a shift of mind set and once I'd done that I've found some brilliant friends. As a poster said above you know who your friends are when times are hard and we are incredibly lucky as were really well supported when my Mum died.

The only way it would annoy anyone is if you offered to do something specific and imports that you then couldn't complete ... but community voluntary groups are full of people who just commit according to their own circumstances, so obviously you wouldn't offer to be Chair if you could only come to 1 in 3 meetings! But it's really really fine to only do what you can. I am a member of a very relaxed book group with a large number of members - people come if they can, not if they can't, and no one worries about it. This year I've only made 3 meetings (& one was at my house as I was hosting!)

Given that you see plenty of 30 and 40 something women around, they're clearly there. At those ages people meet their friends through children and schools. Without kids it's harder to get access to those circles.

But I would say provincial market towns aren't necessarily hives of exciting cultured intellectual people. Some are some aren't, it depends on the area.

I have met most people through the children.

The Football mums know how irritating boys are if that age, because they all have sons that age.

but you don’t have the opportunity, so you’re going to have to make it happen!!! Seriously.

Join the Wine society & good food at least.
you can at least take pleasure from doing it and then then hopefully your’ll also meet someone nice , turning into a close friend.

At this age, you could just meet someone, anywhere who you massively click with. at the doctor surgery /wine society /eating good food. most likelyat a party. For me.

I’ve met most of the people I get on best with through other friends at a party and we just click, so much so that our friendship just developed.

you need to get yourself to some parties!! specially in this season now, or what about throwing caution to the wind and telling DH that you want to have an open house Christmas party - people can pop in for some mulled wine ?

Hold your own party!!

I also really think that in this day and age, you need WhatsApp and messenger. most of my communication with school mums who are friends, is done that way.

Good luck.,

Miss out on meetings? So what? go to something on a Tuesday night. tell her you go to ......Zürich every two weeks ...... she’ll probably be dead jealous but say okay come when you can!!

ELO? My friend has 2 tickets. No one wants to go with her. I only like one ELO song. So what? Go.
Every time you post, You put up more and more hurdles as to why you can’t do these things.

I’ve got the opposite problem- I’ve got so many lovely close friends, I’m struggling to find the time to spend with them!!

Is it possible that the small town way of doing things isn't for you?

If you haven't gone ahead and done the things you know you can do in order to find friends, what's holding you back?

Personally I loathe small town clubs, societies, hobby groups - at least the ones I've been part of. It's just not the way I like to socialise. You end up being invited round to see people's kitchen renovations and wanting to gnaw your arms off in boredom.

Are you better off in a big town or a city? Or maybe a small island where everyone has to deal with each other but also to respect boundaries? I know I had to give up on small town/big village ideas because it was so very not me.

Since you don't have kids and you work from home, the only way of meeting people and getting to know them is by getting out there. As people said, go to the gym (you'll probably meet a lot of mums there), take up a sport, do a photography or language class or something. It doesn't really matter what. It's just a vehicle to get talking to people regularly. You many meet older people but if you get invited to their parties, they probably have children or relatives loser your age.

Or set up a book club or photography event once a month.

I've moved a lot and find it very easy to make friends. I start conversations, I'm friendly, I suggest places to go, I invite people. I'm a mum but I'm not bothered whether my friends have kids or not.

Also, if you like dogs and you can afford for the dog to get looked after when you're away travelling, I'd really recommend one. They get you out of the house walking and you meet lots of other dog owners.

Hello everyone, thanks for all your posts, much appreciated. I need to go out and run some errands in town now but will be back in an hour or so and will then respond with my own comments. Bye for now.

I could have written your post in the most part.

I live in a small home counties town and it is a bit of a cultural wasteland. People seem to have dinner at 5pm and like cycling or, if they go out, go to Prezzos or see something like Sister Act at the theatre.

I have over the years done volunteering (I am always the youngest person by several decades, and I'm not that young!), evening classes (everyone scoots off home at the end of the class) and tried the library book club (it was so cliquey that I actually became teary; they were really horrid (and as for their choice of reading matter...).

After 12 years of living here I still try, but I have never found anyone to be friends with; acquaintances, yes, but no one to meet up with.

Two things...

I'd start reframing your town as your me-time sanctuary place, rather than your "home". Let your home be your time away with DH, the events you go to in London, the music festivals you go to, your work trips, etc. And return to the village as your resting place in between your jaunts. Take long walks, take it slow, take a book to read in the pub, go out on solo photography rambles etc. Focus your extroverted needs on what you do outside of your village

The other thing is, start planning events in your village. Do a paint night at the local hall, plan a canvas that's based on an artist you already love and would like to do a talk on. Plan a Christmas, Easter or whatever you want sort of event. Think about what the community would benefit from. In other words, invest some time and effort in your village, rather than waiting for it to meet your needs.

Learn to ride and get a horse - you will meet loads of people!

I wasn't on social media for a long time, but I recently re-joined just on a 'local friends only' basis. Yes, I ruthlessly deleted every single old colleague, school friend, family member etc...!

Local social media pages do help you to feel a bit more connected to the community and also, if you have seen someone's update (new dog, went to this pub, whatever) it gives an instant topic of conversation.

Being away 2 - 6 nights a month doesn't sound that much to me - so you'd miss the occasional evening, even people without travel commitments have to miss meetings/classes occasionally.

Same thing here and I haven’t Would the nhs failing really be such a terrible thing...? I'm not even been able to make friends with young dcs around....

bees your idea to do something in the community is a good one.
Bar the afc it’s miles away from what you would get from have a relaxing evening with a few friends.
Not everyone is happy to put themselves out there In That way. Actually I would say that every few people wouod be happy to do so.

The town where I live is extremely clickey (confirmed to me by a few acquaintances).
And yes my way of dealing with it is to have things planned at weekend etc.. out of town so I can finally meet up with people I can relate to.
I really dint think it’s ideal and wish that people were a bit more open tbh.
Ht it seems that, even though people are now moving a lot more than before, the friends you have are the ones form secondary school and uni.
If you haven’t stayed where you grew up, it’s harder.....

In pretty much the same boat as you OP. IMO being childless has something to do with it.

Im in exactly the same situation OP but without a husband/partner or children.

I moved from the South to the Midlands in 2000 at the age of 30 and thought making new friends/meeting someone would be easy. How wrong I was. Ive lived in several villiages and market towns since and have found it almost impossible to make friends.

Ive tried the gym, pilates classes, yoga classes, language classes, book club, running club, volunteering and art classes. Everyone seems to be over 60 & retired or under 35 with young children. It’s very hard to break through into established groups. Starting a group is a possibility until you find out the villiage hall /town hall is run by the local mafia who wont allow any new groups to be formed.

I have no solution but feel your pain. I travel hundreds of miles to cities where friends/boyfriends live in order to maintain the relationships/friendships I do have & to enjoy culture and entertainment.

Hello, I'm back home now. I did some introspection while I was out. First of all, 3 things my own DH says came to mind:

1. 'If you want to meet new friends, you have to go out there and make friends'.
2. 'Don't give me a problem, give me a solution'.
3. 'Tell me what you CAN do rather than what you CAN'T do'.

Perhaps the problem is my own personality or the way I organise my life and spare time. I'm a bit of a perfectionist and procrastination is my worst enemy! Maybe that's what has stopped me from joining groups and actually doing/instigating things.

I work in the events/arts/entertainment business (mainly organising events and making things happen at the right time and in the right location). Hence my interest in the arts, music and culturally interesting things. For my job I deal with like-minded people and people in the industry. When I'm working away, either in the UK or abroad, I'm on a high, I'm on adrenalin. It's not exactly a 9 to 5 job and I don't get much sleep either, but I absolutely love my job! I seem to be in a different frame of mind when I'm working. Like a switch has turned inside my head. Almost like I have a different personalty from the one at home. When I'm working I'm in control, and I can address any audience, large or small, talk to them through a microphone, be on show, be entertaining and have no stage freight. I'm in my element. At home, I'm reserved and private.

I like doing things I'm passionate about and I thrive on the adrenalin. At home, as none of the people in our - very small - social circle are particularly interested (or only vaguely) in the same things I'm passionate about, I don't get that 'shot' and I will very likely hide into my shell, my house, my sanctuary.

For example, if I'd like to go and see a band, either in London or in any other larger town/city, it's unlikely that our local friends here will show any interest and come with me. They may know the band or the songs but actually going to see them and pay for tickets would be a step too far. Especially if it's bands that are not 'mainstream' (e.g new wave, goth or punk rock). I saw The Offspring (a US punk rock band) in the summer. When I told people here I got some blank looks. Perhaps they've never heard of this band but no one asked who they are or what kind of music they play. Also, the people we know around here are mainly into classical music.

Yes, perhaps I should take a bit more initiative and join or start a social group and/or invite more people round to my house. DH and I don't really do dinner parties. We're happy to invite people for nibbles & drinks, or a wine & cheese evening, or coffee & cake but we're not really into classic dinner parties. Frankly the thought of cooking a 3 or 4-course formal dinner for people stresses me out! Although I love good food and wine and eating out, my own repertoire is rather limited, and I think I'd worry that my food would be too 'ordinary' for my guests. I can do a good casserole, or a leek & tallegio risotto (Nigel Slater recipe) or mussels, as examples, but I don't know if this would be good enough for dinner parties.
I really envy people who can seamlessly host a wonderful dinner party for a large group of people and serve a whole range of delicious home-made foods, desserts, etc. and not get stressed out. My own late Mum was one of those people. She'd host a dinner party for up to 12 guests, serve 3 or 4 courses of fine food and wines, and she never got flustered. My DH sometimes says it's a matter of guts and confidence in the kitchen, but anyway ...

I hope I don't come across as a 'Moaning Minnie' or a sad, old 'Billy No-Mates'. One of my 2018 resolutions is to find some new friends.

Some years ago, I was in a really dark place due to the loss of my parents. I was feeling very low, sad, and I didn't respond very well to their deaths (they didn't die at the same time but they were still young when they died and I found that really hard to accept and deal with), and I was also in a job that wasn't stimulating. I even hated the Christmas period for a couple of years because every Christmas reminded me of all the lovely Christmases I ever had at my parents' house. I'm OK now and I now realise I should LIVE and enjoy life to the full, just like my parents did.

Now I'm in a job that is 100% 'me'. I went self-employed and never looked back. I love my DH and we have a nice house. Now I need some like-minded, local friends to share the good times!

Same here. You basically have to join a church or the Conservative Club. Not exactly full of alternative types. Thank god for internet forums.

Sorry my posts are so long! I always find things to say! This reminds me of the time when I was a young teenager in the 1980s and my main hobby was writing letters to pen pals from all over the world. This was circa 1982 - 1985 so pre-internet/social media. How exciting it was to find my pen pals' long letters in our letterbox and to write long letters back, and exchange postcards and photos and newspaper/ magazine cuttings about our favourite actors and bands and all kinds of local souvenirs!

Good introspection! I think 1. is probably the biggest thing. Thing is, you simply won't make friends if you don't push yourself out of your home comfort zone. People who love new wave music are not milling around the streets looking for other people who MIGHT like new wave music to ask to gigs! Join a few groups - whether or not they are 'quite right' and just get yourself out there. Don't worry about not turning up to every meeting (I am the founder member of our 12 year old book group, and haven't been for about 6 months due to work clashes...) - and if after you've been to 3-4 meetings they don't feel right, feel free to drop them. Don't assume you need to find groups that 100% fit your 'demographic'. I've made 2 really good new mates in the last few years (lots of acquaintances but these two are people I can be really honest with I think) - one through a club where both of us felt we shouldn't really belong!

And really, no-one in real life does proper dinner parties anymore do they? I've only ever been to a handful. It's all casual, kitchen dinner meals - nibbles/drinks; main course and pudding or shop bought cheese. Anyone who complains isn't worth being your mate! And - even better - you've got Christmas coming up which is a great excuse for casual drinks: mulled wine and mince pies at ours after the carol service/turning on off the Christmas lights/local Christmas fair etc...?

Oh, and congrats on the job by the way - it sounds glorious! Personally, I'd think about looking at clubs at a local arts venue - most likely place to hook up with some likeminds....

Forgive me for saying this, but you do sound just a wee bit patronising (there's no need, for example, to explain who Offspring are). It's wonderful that you are in a fabulous job and you feel you are someone else when you are working and socialising - do you think, maybe, that you switch to 'work mode' when you try to meet new people and that they are a bit put off by it? That maybe you come across as 'full on' and people find it hard to relate to?

I'd still say start something yourself that appeals to you and where you can come across in the way you feel that you are most natural. Don't try too hard, in other words!

@LadyInCement, I think we may live in the same town!

I'm mildly envious of Sister Act, though. A couple of years back our local theatre did a re-enactment of It Ain't Half Hot, Mum. You really couldn't make it up.

My ds is 3 years old. I have been out socially twice in the last 3 years. That's not unusual if you haven't got family or close friends nearby to lend a hand. I think that is why you see women in their 30/40s out and about in the day but not at social things.

Tbh i think you are writing off older people who have time on their hands to socialise, what does it matter if you are the youngest there? If you start mixing with women in their 30s and 40s you would be the oldest one there....again, so what?

I really don't believe all this 'none of them are into obscure band x so they are ready to put their feet up, a lot of older people now spend a time on the arts etc they didn't have before.

My ndn is 78 and she just joined rock choir....some of those oldsters have just got to be cool. (And they've probably still got their vinyl records from the first time around

I know you said that you don't do social media but your case is exactly what it's for.

I too live in a large village/small town. There's a local facebook page: at least twice monthly there's a post of 'can anyone recommend activities for a 10yo girl.....or a singleton who loves keeping fit.....or a music lover who plays clarinet etc etc'. Then everyone chimes in with all the local options: many of which you won't be aware of. Then you go to a few, meet a few people, and take it from there: remember it doesn't have to be your favourite activity, it just needs to be an activity which attracts people who may like some of the other things you do.