Making friends in a small, rural town - easier said than done!

[PaxUniversalis]

I’m new to MN. I’m 49, DH is 58. Married for 19 years, no children.

We moved from London to a small, rural market town in the Home Counties 12 years ago. I’d always thought making friends in a small town would be a doddle. I was wrong.

I’m self-employed and I work from home. DH commutes to work. His place of work is not in the local area so DH leaves home early and gets back late.

I travel for business every other month or so, anything from 2 to 6 days per trip (may include weekend work). DH travels around the UK for work regularly and he stays away 1 night per week. DH and I also go on holidays abroad or weekends away a couple of times per year, so we’re not always in town.

We like this town and we love our house. People are very friendly and the town looks pretty, BUT: we find it difficult to make friends here.
We’ve met a number of local people since we moved here 12 years ago, but there is only 1 other couple we actually meet on a regular basis (once or twice a month). We also go out for a meal with a group of other local people 2 or 3 times per year. All of these people are in their mid-50s to early 60s. Most of them have adult children and some of them have young grandchildren.

The town consists mainly of 1) families with young children, 2) schoolchildren & teenagers and 3) retired/elderly people. The local community is very oriented towards traditional families, SAHMs and retired people, and the community caters for them. There don’t seem to be many childfree people our age around (as far as we know).

DH and I enjoy living here and we have no plans to move, but on a social level life here can be pretty boring. Meeting a new person rarely develops into a firm friendship – they usually remain ‘casual’ acquaintances. A lot of people around here tend to lead quiet, regular lives and keep themselves to themselves. This town isn’t exactly ‘buzzing’.

We’ve lived here for 12 years and I’ve not made one friend the same age as me - I’m not joking. I’m 49 years old and I’m always the youngest person in the group when DH and I meet up with people. I don’t even feel 49 in my head yet! I’m grateful for any friendship people offer me but sadly I feel I have little in common with the people we know around here.

My interests are: good food and wine, dining out, countryside pubs, UK and foreign travel, reading, local community events, museums and art galleries, 20th century art & architecture, NT & English Heritage, photography, social history, listening to music including going to gigs and music festivals (early 1960s US soul, R&B, ska, rockabilly, some metal, some punk rock, some 70s/80s new wave, goth bands), buying & collecting vintage vinyl records.
Generally speaking I am an open-minded, inquisitive and creative person.

I’d love to have some friends in their 30s-40s (women and men) who – ideally - share my interests, and with whom I could meet up regularly for coffee or a meal, have a chat, have a drink in the local bars, go to an art/photography exhibition, maybe go to a gig at a music venue or pub, or see something historically or culturally interesting, or perhaps go on a day out.

It’s not that our town is full of middle aged or elderly people only. I see loads of 30- and 40-something women in town when I pop out to the local shops; a lot of them are mums with babies and toddlers in tow. Yet I never meet people of this age group in social situations. I really feel like I’ve been missing out on meeting local people my own age group.

I think I have more things in common with people my own age or a bit younger.

Or, with people of ALL AGES who are young at heart, who share at least some of my interests (e.g. my taste in music, modern art and architecture, photography), and who are equally inquisitive, open-minded and interested in the wider world, i.e. things happening outside their family bubble or the beyond the village limits.
I also tend to get on well with people who are a bit quirky and unconventional.

I sometimes wonder if our stagnant social life is related to us not having children, is it age-related, personality-related, or simply a matter of local demographics? I just find it really bizarre that I never make friends my own age here. Sometimes I wonder if we have chosen the ‘wrong’ town.
What do you think?

I think it definitely takes effort. We moved from a city to a tiny fishing village four years ago. I didn't know anyone until I had ds because I was out at work all the time. Since then, I've volunteered for stuff, I joined some exercise classes, I did a craft class, I went to church plus a load of baby/toddler stuff and I've met so many people but I had to put myself out there.

All the local villages have facebook pages and the amount of activities available is amazing but without facebook I'm not sure how you'd hear of half of it.

Zaphodsotherhead, I didn't mean to come across as patronising. I'd be embarrassed if that were the case.
But sometimes I get these blank looks from people. I know that The Offspring are a famous band, and most people will have heard of them but if I mention the name of a certain band and I get a blank look, then I wonder if that person hasn't heard of the band/singer, hence my need to explain and say 'they're a rock/punk/folk/ska/whatever band'. I sometimes don't know how to interpret blank looks! Especially if the person giving me the blank look and then doesn't follow it up with a question. The same happens when I talk about some modern architect or other.
If someone mentioned the name of a composer of classical music and I had no idea who they were talking about, I would ask (even if that meant making a fool of myself if the composer in questions is really well-known to classical music enthusiasts).

GinnyBaker, I would love to join a rock choir! Or a gospel choir. The only choir in our town do classical/religious music. No modern music. Ha, perhaps I should start a rock choir. I don't read music though and I don't play a musical instrument (I now regret not learning to play an instrument properly as a child - and our music teacher at school was rubbish, very wooden, I think he didn't like interacting with Year 7 and 8 schoolchildren at all!).

Do you like pubs, and do you have a local? If so, why not got in there a weekend night every week so you get to know familiar faces. Friendships might grow from that.

I don't read music though and I don't play a musical instrument - well learn then. There's no age barrier to learning to play an instrument. Find a local instructor and go for it.

Local community choir ?
Get on social.media...it is what it is. People use it Facebook etc for local group. If you not on it you won't know what is happening. You only need use it for connecting and following. You don't have to start posting pictures of your cat...

You should have a look at local/nearby Wls. You don't need to go to literally the nearest one. There is a good scattering of new/young WI groups around, very sociable, the right age mix. Its cheap, and doesn't matter if you miss a month. You can turn up to a meeting and never go again if you don't like it.

The main thing is quite apart from the WI activities it introduces you to people.

AgathaF, yes we have a good neighbourhood pub, well run, friendly staff, good beer and popular with locals. DH and I go there sometimes at weekends. DH sometimes jokes (only half-jokingly though) that I should just go up to random people in the pub (i.e complete strangers), introduce myself and start talking to them. Wouldn't that be a bit weird if the other people are already in a group or in couples and talking to each other? Now that would be intrusive and a bit rude, wouldn't it? They night think I'm the local weirdo! I've never seen DH do such a thing (and he's a real 'people' person and a good conversationalist).
As I've said before, I'm a different person at home compared to work. At work I'm extraverted and outgoing, at home it's often the other way around.

Pax - where abouts are you, a bit more specifically?

I moved to a rural market town 7 years ago. The ways I’ve made (good) friends are: dog walking, where I met two of my now closest friends; book group; work/school (which is out for you); a common interest group, and chatting to people who own/work in shops (this has led to great ‘acquaintanceships’, which are nice on a night out around town). I volunteer for a local charity which takes children on holiday too, so end up spending a week away with a great bunch once a year, plus several community events.

I find new friendships take a bit of effort (keeping people in mind and letting them know you are) to move on from the acquaintance stage, but it’s been worth it.

I went to see ELO on my own last year. Had a great time dancing with the chap next to me, who’d initially said he hoped nobody danced as it annoys him at gigs .

Not too far from Oxford. And London is not a huge distance either. Btw, I checked Meetup groups online. There are some really good ones in Oxford. The alternative is London. Sadly none in the town where DH & I live, or nearby.

I'm guessing it's not Henley or Marlow as they're quite sociable towns.
Would you consider either of those?

You might be better of in Oxford tbh, you'd likely find loads of PLUs there.

I know it could be difficult in your situation but have you considered getting a dog. If you have a good pub, couldn’t you suggest that they have a weekly quiz night, you and your DH could organise and host it. Lastly is there a yoga class anywhere as I have lots of friends in the different groups I go to. We have a great social life too we have even been skiing, to Majorca and even Canada. Last weekend we were on a days shopping trip. We have been envited to a wine evening next month and we are all having a huge party at Hogmanay, that is so far. I have other events with another class I go to next month.

RidingWindhorses, I think my best bets are Oxford or London for Meetup groups. I rely 100% on public transport because I don't drive.
I can get to Oxford or London quicker using trains or buses than to some of the smaller towns (unreliable public transport, especially getting back home at night).

Is there a local festival or events committee or friends of the arts near you. Seriously most of these would love someone else onboard who has experience. Missing the odd meeting - especially if you say that may be the case when you join - really won't make any difference, people won't mind.

It's a great way to meet a wide variety of people you wouldn't normally, and to have some fun

Also don't discount the WI, I'm not the youngest in mine by a long shot. Sometimes it can take visiting a couple of them to see which group suits you best. I've done everything from the shooting range to art festivals with them. And I most definitely don't make every meeting - no one minds at all. Lovely ladies.

When people tend to make friends in school and uni I was enduring trauma and then bullying, so I missed that window. Moved to rural town and am childfree, and don’t want to hang about with someone who has chosen to be a parent. Hey presto-all my friends are via pen pals and childfree Facebook groups (secret, invite only). It works well because I have anxiety and am incredibly introverted.

Thank you very much for all your replies and suggestions.

I’ve done some research on local community groups and I’ve identified 2 that I‘d like to join – they cater to my creative and cultural interests so I’m feeling a bit more positive about things.

Most of you said DH and I need to reach out to the community. I accept that so I look forward to trying out these groups.

However I’d like to point something out. I do think that the level of success in making new friends in a small, rural or semi-rural community also depends on the social dynamics that exist within that community.

As an example: when DH and I lived and worked in London it was quite common to go and have drinks at the local pub/bar with colleagues after work (on weekdays) now and then. Things are very different in the small town where we live now. Most pubs and bars are very quiet or dead during the week.

Before I started working from home I worked for a couple of companies in the local area. I don’t remember a single occasion when colleagues would meet up for a drink at a local pub or bar after work, not even as a one off (Christmas nibbles and drinks not included). Instead everyone would rush off home or to the supermarket. No one would meet up for coffee and a chat in town on their lunch breaks. Yes, we were all busy with work but really how long does it take to pop into a local coffee shop or a cafe for a hot drink and a chat?

Another observation. I wasn’t brought up in this country. In my country of origin nearly all community social life revolves around going out eating and drinking with friends and/or family (mainly weekends or summer evenings). It was relatively easy to interact with people. You’d go out to a bar, a restaurant or to a local event with a group of friends, then you’d see another group of people there, and if you happened to know one of them, they’d say ‘come over here, this is so and so,’ or there would be some small talk between the two groups. Or you’d go out to a bar as a couple, then see a familiar face in a group and they’d invite you over to join the group. I’m biased, I know, because I grew up there.

Where we live now I notice people going out to pubs and bars in groups don’t really chat easily to people who aren’t in their group. Not even a couple standing at the bar chatting to the couple standing next to them. And when DH & I have been to local countryside pubs for Sunday lunch (just the two of us), there are always lots of small groups/families. We exchange a few words with the people at the table next to us but – even though everyone is really friendly, smiley and courteous – it never leads to a real conversation or chit chat between them and us.

Is this normal in small communities in general, or just in some?

What are you looking for? You’ve had a lot of good advice on here but have your own reasons for not taking it. Fair enough. Where you grew up you state yourself someone in the group already knew you so called over “come and say hello, meet so and so”. You’re not expecting a stranger to call over to you in the local pub are you? The only way to meet people is to get out and about. Have a got time for a dog? They’re a real icebreaker and good way to make friends in a village.

SingingTunelessly - I was only pointing out the different social dynamics in different places. Of course I would not expect a complete stranger in the local pub to call us over, out of the blue, just like DH and I wouldn't call over a total stranger to tell them what we did on our holiday. But I think it's nice to chat to people in a social environment - and I believe pubs belong to that category - even if we don't know the person/people. Isn't this how people meet other people? Have you never had a conversation - even a short one - with a complete stranger? In a pub, a shop, the park, the supermarket, the doctor's surgery? Just a chat, that's all. You have a dog so you say hello to other dog walkers. DH and I were in the North of England some years ago, on our way to Scotland, and one evening we were approached by an elderly chap in a local pub. Complete stranger. He was born and grew up there and he told us loads of local anecdotes from his youth. We found him very entertaining.

Woah do you always analysis every nth of every area of your life to this degree? You must be oermanently exhausted! You have a partner, busy jobs, frequent holidays, a social date with another couple twice a month. I'm really not sure what you're looking for. I think you're blaming the geography when actually you're not putting yourself in any situation at all, ever, where you are even likely to meet someone.

People do socialise that way here, OP - but they pick their "local" pub or bar, and go often, and then become friends with the other people who do the same.

No one makes friends over Sunday Lunch just because they're sitting next to each other once in a gastropub.

Desmondo2016 - hi, yeah perhaps I tend to over-analyse. I know that and I think I've always done this since I was young. It's kind of how my mind works. I also need to analyse things and be super organised in my job (I do my best) and that suits me fine. No, I'm not permanently exhausted. As I wrote in an earlier post, I thrive on adrenaline when I do the things I'm passionate about. I actually have loads of creative ideas in my head, but perhaps not always enough time to act upon all of them.
I meet loads of new people through my work. I just find things a little harder in my private life.

I am 49 and single, moved to a totally new village a few months ago. I am out of the house 13+ hours a day working in London. I have no clue how to make friends.

But, I like a band and go to a lot of their gigs, three this year. I just go on my own. And now I've met and know other people who go to their gigs and am in touch with them on Facebook, plus some of the band members have other bands, so in two weeks I'm going to a gig by one of those and I'll know people there.
I book theatre in London and just go on my own. I went to the Hay festival on my own.

I think your dh sounds like he thinks he's your line manager!
Have a Christmas drinks party, invite neighbors, tell them to bring friends!
I'm considering this, I think I have about eight people I could invite.

I've never heard of The Offspring. Explaining who a band is isn't patronising!

Why not just move to Oxford - there’s so much to do culturally and so many interesting people. And only an hour to London.

I think your analysis of the socialising habits of your town is very interesting, not I think typical of other country towns I know - Henley, Marlow, Marlborough, Sevenoaks, Tunbridge Wells, which are all fairly sociable. I think places tend to develop a character and then attract people whom that character suits. It sounds quite suburban tbh.

I think 12 years - you’ve done your time. I can’t see that it’s going to get better. Do think you need to learn to drive though.