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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dropping a friend- have you done this? How?

70 replies

Phoenixfromashes · 16/11/2017 22:44

Have you ever consciously dropped a close friend? If so, how?

This probably makes me sound awful but I have a friend I realise I can’t stay close with as it’s toxic for me. They blow hot and cold depending on the status of their relationship, are lovely and a great friend for periods of time but then things turn and the can be a bit mean. I end up getting far too sucked into their dramas and find myself overinvested, and while we are together I enjoy their company when I think about it later I feel drained and sad. Things are good now but I find myself waiting for when they aren’t again.

Has anyone managed to back away before? If so is it best to tell them or do the slow fade?

OP posts:
Likeastone · 17/11/2017 15:01

Just dropped a decades old 'friend'. No contact, no explanation. Deserved? After finding out about the secret dates with my DH, discussing our marital problems, offering 'comfort', 'relationship counselling' (which did not include honesty!), and professing to care about me also (but not contacting me until she realised something was up) - I think so! Now working on relationship with DH and deciding whether we have a future together. I dont believe she deserves the same effort.

Dancinggoat · 17/11/2017 15:42

I had a friend who I realised that actually ran me down , messed with my head regarding my other friendships and treated me like I was lucky to have her friendship. It went on for years and it really effected me but I didn’t realise at the time. I suddenly woke up to the fact that if anything slightly positive happened she’d find something to bring me back down. She belittled me one evening in front of someone for no reason.
That was the tipping point.
Cut her off. The relief I can’t explain. Best thing I have done. Over the months I realised how linked she was to any anxiety I had and it disappeared.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 17/11/2017 16:13

Had been friends with her for years.

By the end we were pretty much got bored of each other. She started a family. I didn't. That was our, 'fork in the road'.

I wanted her to be my bridesmaid. She agreed. Then she came and told me, awkwardly, that she was pregnant and couldn't be my bridesmaid later that year as planned.

I asked, 'were you trying ?' Erm, sort of was the reply. I was hurt and cross and upset by this. No, I didn't congratulate her and I was glad my DH didn't congratulate her either.

(No flaming please. I realise the error of my ways. Took a few years though.)

Our friendship carried on for a few more years after that. Before the 'end of relationship one-upmanship' started. Both guilty I might add.

Although looking back she could be bizarre. She once turned up at the flat I was renting with my then fiancée to ask me how to tune the radio in her new car. Wasn't particularly interested in how I was or how things were going. (Swimmingly FWIW)

The end of our relationship seems odd. Even now. We were talking on the phone but she was very halting in her speech. She told me that she had fallen over and hit her head a few days ago. She said she was much better now. But the conversation was a very stilted question and answer session, no flow, no warmth.

Another time she phoned me and ended the conversation by saying oh I'd better go, the kids have finished watching that cartoon. I only put a short one on. Um, you just let the cat out of the bag there, love. I thought but didn't say.

Then she, 'forgot' my birthday and remarked that my present was still at her house, come and collect it. Like six weeks later. Don't bother love, I thought. I'm not embarrassing either of us with this non-existent present.

So, tit for tat. Her birthday comes up and I do precisely nothing. Well, that didn't suit, did it ?

My mother once remarked, 'I don't like her, she tells lies'. I was gobsmacked at this and a little bit hurt. She hadn't even spoken to my friend.

My husband was sceptical of her too.

What was it that they could see that I couldn't ?

Friend seemed to worship education i.e. cor look at the degree on her/him ! As for having a Ph.D well blimey, let the hero worship commence. She also seemed to want to emulate those who were better off than her once she'd been inside their houses. Not in a snobby way, just, 'nose pressed up against the window' sort of way.

She would also throw into the conversation remarks like, 'I was at a party last week'. Then chuck in some anecdote from a Doctor or professor. What party ? You're a married woman with kids, I thought but didn't say. It's tea and telly and bed time like most people do.

The friendship ended because it ended. At the time it had run it's course and goodbye.

In recent years I've caught myself wondering how she is and how things are going for her. Social media has drawn a blank. I've done some internet sleuthing so she's still in the area but we're both in each other's pasts.

I'm assuming she doesn't want a catch up either. She's probably got her scepticisms of me too.

She once remarked that one day we will go out and she will spend money in front of me. This was out of the blue one day during a suitably girly shopping trip. I was gobsmacked but let the moment pass.

I also dated one of her relatives. I think we were just to close not to find any sort of 'catch up' a real cringe in the here and now. How it ended, what was that all about ? There's to be no mutual catch up. No common ground. No bumping into each other.

shushpenfold · 17/11/2017 16:15

Yep, I did it with a friend I’d been very close with at school. Mid 20s and the behaviour just became too damaging to my MH. Let the friendship lapse and when she found me on Facebook and then suggested a meet up I was too busy/too far away. Good decision. X

HoneyWheeler · 17/11/2017 16:18

I really recommend you listen to the podcast Dear Sugars - they have a couple of episodes all about breaking up with friends that really helped me in the past.

Jerseysilkvelour · 17/11/2017 19:36

I recently broke off a so called friendship with someone. It was a fairly new one, and I'm actually quite proud of myself for not letting it go on - I know it's harder when you've been friends for longer, but still.

We both have MH conditions, my life is a lot more functional than the other party so financially I'm better off, more social connections, more stability in my life generally. We got on well and connected because of our shared issues, and I really enjoyed our friendship to start with. Then the other party started to change and I saw different sides of them - wanting to borrow money and making a big deal of how I had more means than them. Would never listen to me but happy to unburden themselves on me at a moments notice. Final straw came when I had a huge flare up of my MH condition in the summer and the other party actually gloated to my face about how glad they were I was so low. I'd never seen them so pleased. Stopped contacting them shortly after.

I decided a while ago it's better to have no friends than have friends like that!

Angelf1sh · 17/11/2017 19:38

Just drafted a really cathartic post but deleted it because I realised that if she’s a MNer then she might easily realise it’s her I’m talking about, despite her total self-absorption. 😂😂

I’m basically going to ghost her after 35 years, if you can call it ghosting, she never calls me, so I suppose I just mean I won’t pick up the phone anymore. I’ve had enough. I’m not going to call her just to dump her, I’m just not bothering anymore.

Bubba1234 · 17/11/2017 20:14

I find it’s easier to drop people the older you get. I met a girl on a meetup group we clicked straight away and we’re both delighted that we found each other cos we both like heading to gigs. So it was just that every couple of weeks for about a year the nights out were nice but the more I got to know her I came to realise she was really rude & judgmental type of person & was such a tight arse when it came to money. Now I know money is so tight for everyone but I’m not afraid to buy a mate a drink when I’m out as I don’t see them often or go out all the time but this one flipped one night when she thought the guy behind the bar took for my ticket with her bank card she didn’t see me handing my cash the way she reacted over a tenner when I had bought her a drink the last night I just didn’t didn’t think after getting to know her she was a nice person so the contact sort of stopped on both our parts there was no argument or drama which was perfect.
Another girl I met at the gym again I thought we got on well going for coffees after but it turned into me being her free councilor and if I tLked she would just ignore me she only likes talking about herself.
I got with my husband and she said someone was trying to set them up some random woman but she was saying that about every guy at the gym that they all fancied her and people were trying to set her up with all the guys. Looking back she was actually delusional. I passed no heed of her lies I let it slide we just stopped meeting up.
My point being with these two after realizing they were not Nice people I could just walk away from the friendships drama free cos I learned not to get too close to people anymore I don’t tell my private business Or problems I just meet at face value now. It’s just easier in case things go stale.

PeiPeiPing · 17/11/2017 23:44

@phoenixfromashes

You seem to use the word 'THEY' a lot. Why not just say she or he?

Is your friend male or female? What about you? Male or female?

Why the strong avoidance of the gender of the friend?

OliviaStabler · 17/11/2017 23:57

I cut off a supposedly good friend this week. Things had been rocky for a while due to something she did earlier in the year. I wanted to give things a chance so tried to patch things up and although not as it was, I thought we were making progress. Earlier this week she did something that broke the camels back so to speak so I blocked her on Facebook and WhatsApp. I have no time for such petty, immature drama.

HughLauriesStubble · 18/11/2017 00:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MiniMum97 · 18/11/2017 00:17

I just stopped contacting her and didn’t answer or return her calls.

Phoenixfromashes · 18/11/2017 03:25

Peipei good spotting ... I am a woman, friend is a man. I didn't specify on purpose I guess as having a close, complicated friendship of someone of the opposite sex is confusing enough and is no doubt part of the problem, and I didn't want advice that strayed into that - just how to drop the friendship. Not sure if that makes sense?

Since writing the OP he's been in touch a lot though so a slow fade will be hard - I've decided I'll think on it over the weekend but possibly say something when we see each other next week.

OP posts:
sumoslayer · 18/11/2017 13:49

I've been in your position very recently. We were friends since high school, I had DCs and she moved further away with her GF. There was a strain from the moment DC1 was born: she still expected me to travel to visit her and would be quite abrupt in her messages when I said I couldn't. Started feeling uncomfortable when I did see her as she complained about children (she doesn't have any) and always seemed to have silly dramas going on. I felt drained in her company and always felt she wasn't particularly happy for me when things were going well.
Tried the fade out thing for 2 years! But she would show up sometimes with arm fulls of gifts and a bad attitude. She was trying to continue our friendship, trying to be a good friend by bringing us tons of gifts from time to time, but I began feeling an obligation to continue the friendship.
With this on mind, I waited until the next sarcastic text message and responded that I thought our friendship had ran it's course. She turned quite nasty unfortunately, and even though I tried to explain diplomatically that we had grown apart, she still accused me of 'using' her etc etc.
In the end I had to ignore the messages and look forward, eventually she stopped contacting me and I've felt a lot lighter since. The burden of the friendship gone. It was not the way I'd wanted things to go at all, but in the end I got what I needed, which was to end the friendship.

PhDPepper · 18/11/2017 14:47

I’ve recently lost a friend- she became a mother and was extremely passive aggressive about me never seeing her, I understand it’s hard with kids but always traveling 1.5 hours to hers was so annoying. I tried to suggest we meet in the middle and got all sorts of crappy excuses about her kid not sleeping properly in the car or if she fell asleep shed have to stay in the car and what if she needed a snack whilst she was driving it just wasn’t possible.

Anyway she was incredibly rude and i started to realise she wasn’t really a friend, I called off seeing her at short notice in August because I had to go to the police station and give a detailed witness statement so told her in the morning I couldn’t make it and got a lot of passive aggressive crap about how bad a friend I was. I haven’t responded and frankly apart from a couple of weeks where I regretted it and missed the pointless talking I feel like a giant weight has lifted.

What’s more annoying is DH was like ‘oh finally! I hated that she used you..’ Hmm

sumoslayer · 18/11/2017 19:29

Pepper: Are you my friend?!!! I'm sorry, but you clearly don't understand how difficult it is with kids. Those "crappy excuses" you speak of are actually massive considerations for parents of young children.
Apologies for hijacking the thread, but clearly some people don't get how difficult it is at all.

theliterarycat · 18/11/2017 20:12

I have had kids and could def go to see friends, even abroad. Def excuses.

Angelf1sh · 18/11/2017 20:56

Kids don’t tie you to your home Sumoslayer, meeting halfway sometimes is a perfectly reasonable compromise for PhDPepper’s friend to have made. She could’ve done it once if she’d wanted to. She clearly didn’t want to.

PhDPepper · 18/11/2017 21:42

@sumoslayer probably not because I don’t speak to her anymore Hmm this was also the woman who sent me photos of her baby every day whilst I had chemo for a molar pregnancy.. that was fucking heartbreaking I’m also not gay

PhDPepper · 18/11/2017 21:45

But it was probably the ‘you don’t understand what it’s like being a parent’ HmmSad yes I know but I was pregnant and now I’m having chemo because it went to pot but thanks for making me feel even better about not being a parent 😥

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