Dropping a friend- have you done this? How?

[Phoenixfromashes]

Have you ever consciously dropped a close friend? If so, how?

This probably makes me sound awful but I have a friend I realise I can’t stay close with as it’s toxic for me. They blow hot and cold depending on the status of their relationship, are lovely and a great friend for periods of time but then things turn and the can be a bit mean. I end up getting far too sucked into their dramas and find myself overinvested, and while we are together I enjoy their company when I think about it later I feel drained and sad. Things are good now but I find myself waiting for when they aren’t again.

Has anyone managed to back away before? If so is it best to tell them or do the slow fade?

They sound a right pain. Just reduce contact, don't send texts first, take your time replying to them, busy when they suggest meeting, saying you don't know when they ask for advice.

We have all done it, and I daresay it's been done to is at one time or another. Friendships change as do people. DH and I have given up drinking, you would be amazed how much this one act has adversely affected some friendships. You only need the glue that binds that relationship to go to see how much of a house of cards friendship often is.

I met two women a bit like your friend when my DD was a baby. Bitching, competitiveness, drama etc. All the children went to the local primary school so I gradually cooled things to the point we were being polite to one another during primary. There was the occasional obligatory invite to a party etc but as soon as DD moved to a different school at secondary we went our own way and now I barely see them. It was a big relief all round.

Watching with interest.

I’m in a situation where I’ve ceased contact with my “best” friend after two years of PA critical shit about my DH and DCs and life choices. She is apparently going nuts claiming I’ve ignored her texts etc and banning common friends from meeting me.

I can say with absolute conviction the friendship is OVER. Too much hurt and I’ve never known anyone to turn like it. I have to have closure so I’ll be sending an email to call her out on her BS and just to let her know how much she’s massively hurt me.

Sounds like a similar situation to yours @SingingSeuss - did you ghost or actively stop the friendship?

yes and was awful
pm if you want details, it still stings after many many years xx

I cut them out during a time I’d been dumped for someone else. Stopped returning calls/texts and blocked on social media. I felt bad and I sound like a total D but our friendship was toxic

I am very distant with a previously very close friend. The beginning of the end was when my marriage broke up and she said 'well, he's never done me any harm, so I'll continue to be friends with him.' Oh thanks for the support! But the final straw was when she looked after our dog while we were abroad and when we collected him, he had been cowed, had dramatically lost weight (muscle, not fat) and had a red-raw, dirty bottom. The food we had given for him, which normally last 4-6 weeks (he's not that fussed about food) was all gone, and her dog had been eating his food, too. It took him weeks to get back to himself. I was so angry with her, that it was probably fortunate that she had to leave early when we collected him - and she had forgotten that was when we were coming, too. She dropped into my work earlier this year and was all over me like a rash. I was civil and haven't spoken to her since.

Yes another who walked away from an almost 25 year friendship a few years ago. It wasn't always bad, we had some excellent times together but over the years the cloud slowly lifted as I realised what a narcissist she was.

If I did something she had to do it better - earn more money, live in a nicer house, have a better job, go on better holidays - you get the idea. It even got so ridiculous that when I told her I had taken up running (nothing competitive, just round the local park a few times a week) she couldn't wait to tell me the next time I saw her that she was doing a half marathon (she'd never previously owned a pair of trainers ). I did feel a sense of justice smugness when she promptly knackered her ankle for the next six months.

So mentally I started withdrawing a couple of years before but when she turned into bridezilla, and I didn't drop my entire life we had a big row which could have been got over but by that point I didn't see the point, so blocked all contact. It hasn't been easy and I do think about her now and then a few years later but my life is so much more hassle free.

And importantly, the friends I do have in it, actually add something - the relationship is always 50/50, no competitiveness, no drama, just enjoyable.

Feel for you though, as it's rough to go through. You are doing the right thing for you

Little Candle that's dreadful! You behaved with such dignity after what she did to your poor dog, I hope he's ok now?

I had a friend whom I'd liked very much but she had multiple problems going on in the background and when they came to the fore, I realised that she actually was a deeply nasty and unpleasant person. Not a good person weighed down by problems, but a nasty person who'd been maintaining a veneer for years.

You realise when someone gets to the stage that everyone around them is toxic, narcissistic, lazy, lacking in some way, that actually they have a massive problem themselves. Sadly she did have some awful shit going on (leading to some add behaviour), but the rest of it was normal life stuff and her viciousness towards others was intolerable. I'm far from the last person to have been her target and the latest one I've heard about has appalled me.

It sounds like it's the way to go - I wouldn't even think twice about it if I had to do it again.

Thanks for the support xx

I've tried before but always been drawn back in.

I'll miss them a lot but have to remember that the bad outweighs the good

I had to get rid of a Single White Female/Wendy type. It was hard because after we met our partners became good friends, so while I normally would have ghosted her I had to put up with her for ages!

It started with the usual just LOVES everything I loved, meets my friends, then started to love stuff just that little bit more than me supposedly. Next stage is putting you down in front of your friends. I've met Wendy before so I wasn't having it.

I shut off all personal info - as mentioned above just keep the conversation superficial. No matter how desperately they probe you give away nothing.

I made sure all close friends were aware she was a Wendy - not sure if you have a group thing going on but it was important she couldn't worm her way in any deeper.

I replied to texts hours then days later. "Sorry, been busy" will suffice. When you eventually reply don't respond to questions about yourself and be vague.

I made our plans as usual but less often. Then changed it to plans for the benefit of our DPs and had to leave early. Then I made DP make the plans and only turned up on occasion. We went from weekly meets, to every few weeks to every few months.

This woman was desperate to know what was happening but I just played dumb. She thrived on drama so I gave her none. Eventually her DP dumped her (she cheated on him) and she contacted me with a sob story. I ghosted her. It felt so good!

michaelnichols.org/frenemy/ I have posted this link a few times but it is so useful for identifying these people. I read somewhere that from 25 you begin to lose friends, by the time you are 45 on average you will have 5 friends. I think this is normal so dropping people who aren't good for you is part of that. I have definitely become increasingly discerning about the people I spend my precious spare time with. I have fewer friends but higher quality. I have also noticed I am more careful when I meet new people. I have a met a friend recently who is worth 10 of the people I have turfed out.

I think you have to go through this process to fine tune your friend radar. I am less likely to jump in, less eager to please and more likely to not make excuses for poor behaviour. If they are making PA remarks, bitching about mutual friends or competitive at my expense then they go to the 'acquaintance' pile. Polite but distant.

I had this, twice.
One, I was being used (intentionally or not, she seemed oblivious) to feed her family when her fella would spend the money on drugs. She would get high with him.
First time, I transferred the money no questions asked but made it clear not again- I'm a lone parent, there's two of them and their income better than mine. Second time, 11.30 at night they wanted pizza, dc was crying because they were so hungry, no milk or bread in- only £7 to last them to the next day.
I said- go to the 24hr supermarket that's 5mins from where you live, you'll be fine. Repeated calls, begging. I stood firm- they eventually got some other mug to lend them enough to order dominoes 🙄
After that I'd get calls all the time. I said no way. In the end I was used as an emotional crutch but when I had hard times and needed someone to talk to, I was told they didn't have time for me because they had 'better things to do than listen to (me)' dropped them like a hot sack of crap.

Other jealous of my mh diagnosis 😑 We talk very rarely now, I don't want to drop them completely, but it's reset the friendship and expectations from one another.

Yes this year, used to be a group of 6 of us and i was always warned by others they were not a nice group and constantly bitching behind my back but didn't want to believe it, they made me feel bad or guilty when i couldn't go somewhere with them, being pretty horrible about my step kids not really being mine therefore i shouldn't prioritize spending time with them over my 'friends', i could go on.
Earlier this year i finally snapped after one incident came to light online, so i sent them all a group whats app explaining i was not interested in their fake friendships any longer,that we are grown adults with husbands and children and i cant be bothered with people who act like playground bullies back in school. Then i took them off every social media i had. Didnt get a single response from any of them, one was a 15 year friendship.
Whne others heard they were disgusted with their behavior and said they'd watched how i was treated and wished id see sense. I wish id seen sense sooner.
Can honestly say the minute i sent it a weight lifted, my DP was so happy as hed watched me get upset over these women and tried to make me see how toxic they were.
I know have amazing handful of close friends i trust and can rely on and wish i hadnt wasted years trying to make these fake bitchy friends like me feeling like it was my fault they didnt.
Youre better than that, i was too and now im a 100% happier in my life.

Did anyone else have specific moments when they decided not to continue with the friendship?

Mine was a snarky comment a week ago where my feelings about a situation were minimised. They've been nice ever since and it's by far and away not the worst thing, but there was something about it that made me want to reach for the escape hatch. I think there is often just that moment when you think: no more

Yes, but I ignored it too many times. There was a recent event where they upset my child so that was it for me.

Same, when she behaved badly towards my child. I had been understanding until that point. Looking back, I should have bailed about two years prior to that point.

For me, there were two things that decided it. First, when DS (was about 11 at the time) said to me why is xxx always crying and shouting at you/hysterical and why did yyy (her previous bf who is ds's godfather) split up with her so often, is it because she shouted at him too? Just the risk of my explanation normalising so much drama and the wrongness. Second was that it was coming up to her birthday and I realised I was actually afraid of the tantrum/sulking that would ensue if I bought her a present that wasn't "quite right". Which it never was - for years, no matter how hard I tried (and I bought her stuff I would personally have loved), her response was almost always "can I have the receipt?". And I was going through a stressful time (single mother, etc.) and just didn't have space for that in my head really.
But I still feel bad that a present just never arrived on her birthday.

Specific moment yes. had been trying to organise a get together for us all on a saturday as been a while since we'd all bene together, faced numerous excuses why several couldn't make it and things like 'oh we'll have to do it another time' then went on Facebook that friday (day before the meet up i had tried to arrange) and saw a pic of all 5 of them out together at a wine bar titled 'girls night'. That was a massive punch in the gut, it was the moment i realized these people must have had a separate whatsapp group from the one i was in to arrange these secret meet ups behind my back, fobbed me off and lied and i just didnt need it anymore so i cut them out completely form that moment. No regrets.

In my 30s I had quite a severe clear out of my phones contact list and as a result my life became largely drama free. Up until that point I had been guilty of being very sentimental and nostalgic with a number of 'friends' just because I had known them a long time despite them being users or toxic. Most of them it was one way traffic with me keeping contact alive, the moment I stopped calling they fell off the map pretty quickly. Had to manage one person out of my life using already listed techniques I.e. Too busy, not discussing intimate elements of my life etc but it was worth it in the end not dealing with their largely self inflicted shit show of a life.

Did anyone else have specific moments when they decided not to continue with the friendship?

I’ve had a moment on top of a moment.

Moment 1A: her minimising my serious financial fears by claiming I was one of the “privelidged few” earnings-wise. That led to me ignoring one text from her which led to ...

Moment 1B: she point blank ignores the birth of my second baby. Not even a like on FB.

1A took the heart of out the friendship. 1B disembowelled it.

I had a specific moment with a friend of 20+ years - we'd always had a good laugh, but our paths diverged; we could have stayed friends but I became increasingly aware that she was becoming more and more self centred, and one dismissive email remark from her about a major positive life (job) change for me, clinched it. I walked around for days trying to decide how to respond, then decided I wouldn't bother. Haven't heard from her since!

walkacrossthesand

It’s interesting....your closure has come from walking away and her silence conducted your decision.

But (general question) if you know your relationship is over and you are going over and over and over it in your head, is it best to “kill” it and get closure?

At least in a divorce the respondent knows what a tossed they’ve been as you need to cite their unreasonable behaviour...

*vindicated not conducted

*tosser not tossed!

Told a friend I had a v serious illness during a text conversation. Nothing contagious btw. No reply and never heard from her since. Must keep this method in mind for dropping arseholes on purpose in future

Mine was a specific incident. DH & I went somewhere with this couple & we got separated, rather than wait for us to catch up they walked off & found a cafe & sat having a relaxing time while we were frantically looking for them. We were abroad at the time & texts weren't getting through. When we did meet up they really couldn't have cared less, in fact the W had quite the smirk on her face. They are now apparently bewildered by what has happened to our friendship.
The incident alone seems petty but it was just the final straw for me after a lot of inconsiderate behaviour over the years.