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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Violence... now dont know how I feel

33 replies

helpmesomeone · 20/07/2004 20:51

Dh and I recently had an arguement. It turned out quite nastily as he ended up hitting me. I realise that this is quite alarming, and I should be worried about this, but I have been with him for 5 years and have not had any of this behaviour towards me before. I have noone but myself to blame for this as I pushed dh too far, by winding him up. Not very smart I know, but I was upset at the time. Dh and I talked, and have sorted things out. However, there are questions I still have. He told me (whilst we were arguing) things that annoyed him about myself, and I didnt realise. I want to ask him about it, but didnt want to bring up the conversation of what that arguement led to. What should I do? I feel slightly uncomfortable with him now, as I think he deserves better. Im sure most of you think he's in the wrong, but I know I am, although he should have never hit me in the first place. Understand?

OP posts:

wobblyknicks · 20/07/2004 20:52

It is definitely NOT your fault. However much you wind him up he should NEVER hit you, get that straight for a start

Lisa78 · 20/07/2004 20:54

no I don't understand, I'd like to but my reaction is that he has hit you and that is never, never, ever excusable
You sound so desperately down on yourself too which saddens me - what could possibly be so bad about you that its okay for him to hit you?
I would be furious with him in your place, not blaming myself

wobblyknicks · 20/07/2004 20:58

helpme - that sounds just like my UH used to be with me - used to spend hours telling me what was wrong with me and for far too long I believed it and believed it was my fault he was violent but I was SO wrong. Its his problem that the root of this, not yours - believe me

mummytosteven · 20/07/2004 21:01

no I don't understand- he hit you - he should be feeling guilty, and you deserve better. If his boss wound him up, would he hit him. No. If his dad wound him up, would he hit him - no. So why should you be treated anyworse just because you are his wife. To me violence rings alarm bells - and violence where the victim feels at fault rings the alarm bells even wider. I realise it is just about possible for the odd violent incident to occur during the context of a relationship when things get out of hand - i.e. it is an isolated incident. But very very often the violent incidents are part of a pattern where the violent partner has been mentally abusive and controlling in the past. Does he criticize your appearance? Accuse you of flirting with other men? Try to alienate you from your friends and family? Belittle you? I think you need to think very carefully about where your relationship is going, and about seeking some form of counselling, either yourself or with your DH.

After all DH pushed you quite far with all his criticisms of you, and you didn't hit him, did you?

newbie · 20/07/2004 21:01

Absolutely not your fault he hit you. It doesn't matter what you said or did or how 'pushed' you think he was. HE lost HIS control, you cannot make someone do that. As for you feeling he deserves better - you've been together 5 years, you must have a lot to offer him and have a lot of wonderful traits to get that far. Remember that NOONE is perfect. We all have traits that will annoy other people. Part of being together is accepting these traits and loving the persone regardless. Don't feel like you need to be perfect for him, because this is impossible.

However, only you know how you feel about him and whether you want to make the relationship work. If you still need to talk things through, could you maybe go out to a pub or some other public place where it's still possible to have a private conversation as this might take the pressure off? Just a thought. Please don't just assume that this will never happen again though. You do need to talk about this with him.

NomDePlume · 20/07/2004 21:02

Oh dear HMS.

I truly don't understand, how you can say that HE deserves better ?! Wobbly is right....

Lisa78 · 20/07/2004 21:03

helpme - you still there?

Caribbeanqueen · 20/07/2004 21:04

I would like to try and understand why you think it is your fault, but I can't. You can't live in fear of being hit every time you have an argument or disagreement and you can't live having to watch everything you say just inc ase it tips dh over the edge.

Beetroot · 20/07/2004 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

sportyspice · 20/07/2004 21:06

Is that not how domestic violence begins? with one party feeling it is all their fault and that despite knowing violence isn't acceptable they somehow excuse it! It sounds to me that even though you say it is the first time he's hit you this incident has already changed how you feel with him "i feel slightly uncomfortable", and your timidness towards discussing things with him has already made you take a subservient role for fear of aggrevating him again. Even if you were a complete cow it takes more of a man to just walk away, please don't you in turn beat yourself up for is unacceptable behaviour.

wobblyknicks · 20/07/2004 21:07

I know why you blame yourself - he's got into your head and has worn you down so much that you believe him because its easier than trying to fight it and you want the easiest option. But you don't deserve to be brainwashed (which is what it is) and you don't deserve to be treated like dirt.

Blu · 20/07/2004 21:08

HMSO: Do you think that you are running what he said through your mind because you are afraid that he might hit you again because of the things he apparantly finds annoying?
I would put a bet on the fact that in every single relationship one partner does things or says things or just IS annoying to the other in ways that they have never mentioned - until an argument! Sometimes it is food for thought, and my DP and I have had some really constructive air-clearing calm talks after one of these 'and another thing...' wild accusations that crop up.

Firstly, take it with a little pich of salt - if it REALLY annoyed him he would have said it earlier. Secondly, TALK. Calmly. 'I never realised that....' but consider whether his points are fair and accurate. You don't have to believe things about yourself just because someone else says them or believes them. And most important: If you feel that you can't talk or bring this up, or stick up for yourself because you are afraid of what he will do or say, that he might hit you again, then you really, really should consider whether you should stay in a realtionship with him.

NomDePlume · 20/07/2004 21:10

It's all part of the game HMS, mental conditioning

essbee · 20/07/2004 21:19

Message withdrawn

Lisa78 · 20/07/2004 21:24

helpme, are you there? PLEASE PLEASE read these posts and think about what everyone is saying to you. PLEASE

Galaxy · 20/07/2004 21:24

message withdrawn

sanssouci · 20/07/2004 21:43

Has anyone out there ever hit their DH/DP? I have. Once. When I was very, very angry and hurt. I was enraged and could no longer control my anger. I was horrified afterwards. I never did it again but does that still make me an abusive wife?

Original poster

helpmesomeone · 20/07/2004 21:47

sorry had to sort out ds who wouldnt asleep. i hit him once before, when he really upset me, which is partly why i understand where he is coming from. i know where you are all coming from, but he got extremely upset after he did it. ive never seen him like that. he didnt hurt me when he hit me, he just caught me, which i know is no reason to put anymore blame on him. i dont think ive made sense have i?

OP posts:

CP3 · 20/07/2004 21:48

Yes i did. Once, i was hurt, upset, worried and yes angry. Luckily he was drunk and doesnt recall the incident.I didnt hurt him, but i feel bad about it

CP3 · 20/07/2004 21:49

Was it a punch or a beating?

Original poster

helpmesomeone · 20/07/2004 21:49

it really upset me when i hit him, but i didnt react like he did after, which makes me feel guilty still.

OP posts:

Original poster

helpmesomeone · 20/07/2004 21:50

i hit him.. well it was like a slap around the face but with a fist . he hit me like as if he was to punch someone in the chest but didnt hurt me. i hurt him though

OP posts:

sanssouci · 20/07/2004 21:52

I think I understand, helpme. That's why I turned the question around. Hitting is absolutely out of the question but it does happen. . Only you know what you said to each other, how the argument escalated... finally, the only people who can hope to understand a relationship are the ones who are in it!

CP3 · 20/07/2004 21:52

Im not excusing him so dont everyone have a go at me but its possible hes as shocked at his outburst as you were. Please carry on talking to each other and maybe seek some professional help, but dont let it happen again. Never

newbie · 20/07/2004 21:55

Even if you can see where he's coming from, it's worrying that you don't want to talk it through with him as this sounds like you think he might do it again if a similar situation arises. You MUST talk about it with him if you're going to be able to come through it. If you feel you can't then you have to think about whether you really should be in this relation ship, though I know that's a really tough decision to make. Wish I could wave a wand for you, truly.

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