Violence... now dont know how I feel

[helpmesomeone]

Dh and I recently had an arguement. It turned out quite nastily as he ended up hitting me. I realise that this is quite alarming, and I should be worried about this, but I have been with him for 5 years and have not had any of this behaviour towards me before. I have noone but myself to blame for this as I pushed dh too far, by winding him up. Not very smart I know, but I was upset at the time. Dh and I talked, and have sorted things out. However, there are questions I still have. He told me (whilst we were arguing) things that annoyed him about myself, and I didnt realise. I want to ask him about it, but didnt want to bring up the conversation of what that arguement led to. What should I do? I feel slightly uncomfortable with him now, as I think he deserves better. Im sure most of you think he's in the wrong, but I know I am, although he should have never hit me in the first place. Understand?

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Yes, you must talk this through. Are you afraid of him? If you are, then get help.

no im not afraid of him. i was shocked that it happened, and didnt expect it. i dont think he expected it either

I re-read your original message... there must be things that he does or says or is that you dislike! No-one's perfect. My DH once called me fat (I'm about 10 stone and 5'6 so not thin but I'm VERY sensitive about this) and I replied that I may be fat but at least I'm not bald! Can you imagine the level of behavior of two supposed adults! Don't be so hard on yourself, dearie!

The major thing is whether this is a one off that you can both forget about or whether its going to be a continous thing. I don't just mean violence, you don't have to ever be hit to be in an abusive relationship. Him telling you all the things you do wrong, and making you feel like its all your fault is completely wrong. In an argument people do blame each other, but he should apologise afterwards, not bring those things up again etc - all the things that show he wasn't trying to hurt you.

I know this may have been just an argument that got out of hand but, like other MN'ers on here, I'm really wary of stories like this now because it reminds me of how things started with my ex-h. First everything was fine, then gradually he started telling me more and more of the things that were 'wrong' with me and, as it was day in day out, every single day it slowly wore me down and I started to believe it. I argued it with him at first but he learnt how to bring things up one by one so there was never one thing I could argue against but everything together really got to me. After a while, it was easier just to accept it rather than wear myself out trying to reason with him.

It was only after all this, when he knew he could get to me and 'tell me what to think' that he started being violent - because he knew he'd get away with it - and for far too long he did. Now I'm out of the situation I can look at it and see that I didn't need to put up with him, but at the time it seemed all my fault.

I really hope this is a one off and you can get things sorted out, but please please remember that it is not your fault, its not because you wind him up and PLEASE watch out for the signs that he's trying to abuse you, either physically or verbally/mentally.

I'll second Wobblynicks, her last message could be describing what happened to me.

I find it very worrying that you say that you're in the wrong and that he deserves better and also that you don't want to bring it up again. To me this could indicate that you are in an abusive relationship and on a very dangerous slippery slope.

If you wonder whether your relationship is abusive, ask yourself these questions:
Does your partner ignore your feelings or disrespect you? Does he withold approval, appreciation or affection? Does he give you the silent treatment? Does he criticize you, call you names, yell at you? Does he humiliate you in public or private? Does he give you a hard time about socialising with friends or family? Does he tell you that you're too sensitive? Does he present a wonderful face to the world and is well liked by outsiders? Does he twist your words, turning what you said against you? Does he complain about how badly you treat him? Does he say things to make you feel good but do things that make you feel bad? Has he ever hit or pushed you, even accidentally? Does he compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticise you enought to keep you insecure? Does he make you feel like you can't win?

If you've answered yes to more than one of these questions, then perhaps you should consider getting out as all these things are indicative of an abusive relationship, not necessarily a violent one but definitely an emotionally abusive one. I've taken these questions from a longer list on this website .

I really hope for you that this was a one-off, and I urge you to try and talk things through with your partner. Take care and remember you've got friends and support here.

mammya - someone gave me that link when I was going through everything and it really helped but I couldn't remember where it was and I couldn't find the original thread so thanks for posting that else I'd still be searching

HMSO - how are things now?

things are ok at the moment, weve talked and both feel better after. we're going to do what we can to work things out, and may go to relate. thanks for all your advice. xxx