Did I make too much of this?

[tigercub50]

Just before I say what happened, I need to say that DH sometimes has a wobbly relationship with DD & complains that she pushes him away. Tonight, DD came downstairs when she’d been in bed about 10 mins or so. She sat next to DH on the sofa & asked him to move his yogurt pot so she could have a hug. He was a while in the kitchen & when he came back, he said he had work to do & told DD she had already had a hug upstairs. We have an agreement not to say in front of DD if we don’t agree with something the other does or doesn’t do but I couldn’t help myself because DH has spent so long complaining & now I felt he was doing the exact same thing to DD. I took her back to bed & when I came downstairs, DH “ told me off” for making too much of what happened. He said DD would use it against us ( she does pick up on any little thing & we have to be careful to keep a united front). Anyway, it turned into a bit of an argument & I felt upset. Perhaps I needed to listen to what DH was saying rather than immediately go on the defensive. His tone doesn’t help. And surely there is always time for a hug?

If you've got an agreement not to say anything if you disagree then I think you need to stick to that. It's generally a sensible approach (unless the other person is totally out of order). I would have been disappointed that he couldn't make time for a hug, and to spend a few moments with his daughter. But I would have raised it afterwards not at the time.

Is your DD a teenager? I'm assuming so from the description.

What did you say? It's hard to say if you made too much of it without knowing.

Although, I agree with you. My husband gets home to a very excited 2 yr oldo, and proceeds to spend 20-30 minutes (I'm not exagerating) before interacting with his son. (Comes in, takes coat off Washes hands. Slowly. Puts coat on. Goes back out to wipe bird poo off the car. Takes coat off.Washes hands . Feeds cat. Takes shoes off. Slippers on. Empties lunch bag. Makes cup of tea and so on) by which time poor ds is looking crestfallen. Every single day.

She’s 9 next month. He raised the point that he gives her lots of hugs but it was the fact that she was asking when she will so often not want him to touch her. If I was him, I would have been very glad of the offer

Nottalotta, that sounds incredibly cruel of your husband. How does he justify that?

Sorry op but it's a bit unclear. So your dd asked y8u dh to move his yogurt and give her a hug, he moved hos pot into the kitchen then came back and told her to go to bed, then you gave her a hug and took her to bed? Is he annoyed because he had said she must go back to bed without a hug and you gave her one, going against him?

How old is your dd?

Not info background, sorry!

When my daughter comes downstairs after 10 minutes seeking a hug, she's pissing about trying to delay bedtime and I tell her to skedaddle back up the wooden hill now!

I know my daughter. So, I don't necessarily buy the "always time for a hug" line.

I find it bizarre that he would go to another room with a yoghurt pot though! Hug or say no - don't faff about with your pot first!

It does sound like there are bigger issues if your child is aware enough of your disagreements if you need to work so hard on a united front.

Screw the agreement, what sort of arsehole tells his nine year old she can’t have a quick hug, that she’s had enough.

And what do you mean you need to keep a United front. She’s not the enemy, why can’t you all just treat each other with respect, be honest with each other and stop playing games. It should never be you two against her

Mybrilliantdisguise he doesn't. He sees no problem. The children "don't come first" apparently and he's been at work all day...... He clearly has issues of some sort. Yesterday I told him I am starting divorce proceedings.

Sorry cross posted with you op. I'm kind of with your dh,if she had already had lots of loves and gone to bed I'm not sure I'd be terribly happy with her her coming down, telling me to move my yogurt then wanting more. Sounds a bit like a delaying tactic! I would also expect my dp to back me up when I had made a decision. Of course I would expect to do the same too, unless one of us was being totally unreasonable.

Tonight, DD came downstairs when she’d been in bed about 10 mins or so.
Was your dd supposed to be in bed at this point? Is that why he didn’t want to give her more attention?

Nottalotta,, that’s just cruel, what are you doing to stop him treating your child like that?

She had plenty of opportunities to give her dad a hug or ask for one when it was her awake time. 10 mins after going to bed and she's trying to win extra awake time.

Yesterday I told him I am starting divorce proceedings

Sorry, cross posted, and good for you. Life is too short to be married to someone who is cruel, never mind cruel to small children.

she's trying to win extra awake time

Don’t be so ridiculous, it takes ten seconds to hug a child and tell them to skeddale up to bed..

It’s not ridiculous at all bluntness. Have you never watched supernanny? Be as boring as possible, send them back to bed. No hugs, no interaction.

I didn’t mean us two against her but in the past, DD was getting very mixed messages & we weren’t working together well at all as parents. Now I would say we “ sing from the same hymn sheet” much more.
Yes she was supposed to be in bed. I didn’t give her a hug when DH didn’t but took her back up the bed ( which I guess I didn’t really need to do at her age)

It might only take 10 seconds to hug them, but it tells them that it's a good idea to come downstairs. How many times per night should you give another 10 second cuddle?

I did a search on OP's posts and the first one that came up was a thread from 6 months ago that her child kept getting out of bed! So, there's definitely a history here.

TBH, I don't like the sound of her father from other posts, but this particular incident seems to have a backstory. Have you previously agreed not to indulge in the up and down stairs behaviour?

I still think you deal with it with a hug or not and don't piss about putting your yoghurt pot away though!

Up to bed sorry!

Nottalotta, I think you need to have a word with your husband, why on earth does he do that? My DH also comes home to an excited two year old, who he dashes to see before he does anything else - I expect this is not unusual! How sad for your little boy.

Oh sorry Nottalotta, didn't see your update!

Yes she was supposed to be in bed.
So there’s your answer-no wonder he was ignoring her when she got out of bed and started demanding he move his stuff around and give her a hug. It sounds like she was trying it on.

It sounds like there’s much more to this than tonight’s incident.

Yes we had agreed not to indulge her when she comes down, although it happens a lot less now that she’s a lot more settled & family life is miles better. Elisandra I didn’t like the sound of DH for a long time either but compared to this time last year, he’s like a different man. Has his moments like we all do!

She doesn't come first. Time for him to go.

So it was a problem in the past, and now that it's settled your family life is much better?

I think in that context, he's not some awful father to refuse her a hug. I don't like how he handled it - disappearing. At my kindest I'd say was he thinking "oh shit, not this again, what do I do, stall... leave the room...".

I think he behaved wrongly because he didn't deal with it upfront. I don't think the wrong behaviour was the hug refusal.

Sounds like you might owe him a bit of an apology tbh. If you'd agreed a strategy to deal with this and you kind of went against it then I can see why he felt agreieved.