Did I make too much of this?

[tigercub50]

Just before I say what happened, I need to say that DH sometimes has a wobbly relationship with DD & complains that she pushes him away. Tonight, DD came downstairs when she’d been in bed about 10 mins or so. She sat next to DH on the sofa & asked him to move his yogurt pot so she could have a hug. He was a while in the kitchen & when he came back, he said he had work to do & told DD she had already had a hug upstairs. We have an agreement not to say in front of DD if we don’t agree with something the other does or doesn’t do but I couldn’t help myself because DH has spent so long complaining & now I felt he was doing the exact same thing to DD. I took her back to bed & when I came downstairs, DH “ told me off” for making too much of what happened. He said DD would use it against us ( she does pick up on any little thing & we have to be careful to keep a united front). Anyway, it turned into a bit of an argument & I felt upset. Perhaps I needed to listen to what DH was saying rather than immediately go on the defensive. His tone doesn’t help. And surely there is always time for a hug?

Just to add DD has been hyper vigilant due to attachment issues so she is probably more aware than she should be about what happens in our relationship. The dynamics were all wrong, toxic even in the past, but there is now a much more calm & respectful atmosphere generally.

Yanbu OP. Even if it is a stalling tactic, a quick hug then 'come on, off to bed' really won't spoil her!

It’s not ridiculous at all bluntness. Have you never watched supernanny? Be as boring as possible, send them back to bed. No hugs, no interaction.

Supernanny works with families who need urgent remedial work, the children tend to be so far out of control that only very harsh, clear strategies are likely to work. There is really no need to copy those grim techniques to the latter unless you have serious behaviour issues.

He didn’t leave the room to get away - DD had asked him to move the pot & then jokingly told him to put it in the kitchen, just like we ask her to if she’s eaten it in the lounge

DD was being a little madam and using her Dad and his clear need for hugs from her as a reason to stay up a little late. That would make me angry! Your DH did well to react so calmly! You should not have undermined him. You should have supported him, he was right!

Mybrilliantdisguise isn’t that a bit drastic? DH should leave?

Anyone still around?

Are you alright @tigercub50?

Just feeling really wound up. And very surprised that someone thought DH should leave. ( Not wound up about what happened but what happened when I was talking about it afterwards. I ended up being accused of nagging! I wasn’t asking DH to do anything, just trying to tell him how DD might feel)

Don't get wound up by one random stranger's comment based on very little information about your relationship!

Using words like "nagging" is not helpful, and maybe you can talk about that with him at some point when you and he are feeling less stressed.

Nottalotta - I left my husband who was like yours when I was pg with dd2. He was like yours from when dd1 was born and it didn’t improve. He simply cannot meet the needs of others only his own which amounts to some interaction. We have been divorced 5 years. When he resumed contact with the kids in time he became a much better parent but still has deficits around putting others needs first. And by that I don’t mean all the time at his own expense. He struggles full time and gets very stressed indeed.

I don’t regret leaving him at all

Thank you Queen. He also gets very stressed, anxious . But won't seek any help or take any notice of me.

OP, for what it's worth I also think there's always time for a hug, especially if the relationship needs some work. Who cares if a 9 year old is up a few more minutes if everyone's happy? Please ignore the very angry people on here.

I can’t imagine a home setting in which I didn’t have time to give my daughter a hug- wow!
That said I think you approached this in completely the wrong way - firstly by raising it so that DD was aware - and secondly- by making it a critical and controlling approach- you’ve done the wrong thing you should do this. Perhaps a more empathetic approach would be that from your perspective DD was seeking connection and it was an opportunity for him to be open and generous. Even if DD were being manipulative- she’s only nine and not going to succeed whether she is indulged a little along the way or not because he is the adult.

DH & I have talked about what happened & he said that when he got out into the kitchen, he got sidetracked & when he came back in he was focusing on the work he had to do & wasn’t deliberately withholding a hug. He said that I put him under pressure a bit by asking “ Well aren’t you going to give her a hug then?” & that was why he thought I had made too much of it. I think I am hyper sensitive when it comes to DD & am still remembering the past when neither she nor I were always treated that well by DH. As time moves on, I’m sure I will relax more. He apologised for upsetting me, for telling me to drop the subject when he was the one that raised it & for saying I was nagging ( I don’t nag but I do state my case lots of times which I’m sure can be wearing!)

Oh dear, things may be miles better than before but the renmants of your previous relationship dysfunction are still very much in the present.

If you have a rules about not indulging her when she gets out of bed for no reason and not arguing in front of her, then stick to them. I haven’t read your other posts but overcompensating for his past poor behaviour by breaking your own rules is sending mixed signals to your DD.

I think it would be a very good idea to have some family therapy because the past will derail the future if you don’t deal with it properly.

Isetan I agree, although the argument was minor & DD couldn’t hear. I definitely think I am overcompensating sometimes but I try not to beat myself up about it. DH spent ages saying he would change but it was empty promises. Now he is showing through actions rather than words that he can be a much better husband & father. We have had a family support worker & DD is having counselling at school 🙂