Grandparents....

[misslost]

The Grandparents on both sides of our family see our children as a burden, they always complain about their behaviour and don't ever want to babysit or look after them, they have done in the past, but it isn't without complaining about how much hard work it is, and saying they will used and unappreciated. This talk has started to really get me down, I honestly feel like disowning my family for good and not bothering with them anymore, has anyone got any advice on how I should handle this? Christmas is going to be hard, we are suppose to be all getting together for a meal, but I no longer want to take my children to see anyone, so afterwards they can complain about them/us.

Stop asking them!!
They aren't obliged to be used for childcare.

I hardly EVER ask them! The last time one of them looked after the children was over a year ago! I'm just shocked as to why they wouldn't want to even see their Grandchildren? my thread isn't about asking them to care for the children, my thread is about how to deal with Grandparents who see my children as a burden.......I might actually add that I paid off my parents money debts so they wouldn't be homeless!! & they live a 10 min walk from us but they can't be bothered to ever visit us??? and I work for my money, I'm not on benefits, in fact I think my childcare issues would be solved If I was not working and sucking off tax payers, so a little help is too much to ask? once or twice a year?

Maybe, just maybe, your children are hard work?
With both sets of grandparents complaining its possible they have a point?

They clearly Don't want to help. They are not obliged to. Why would you want to leave your kids with people who don't want to look after them?

You can't do anything about it. Many grandparents are uninterested in their grandchildren these days, it's a characteristic of their generation I think.
Enjoy your Christmas without the useless grandparents. It's much nicer.

and Justbookedasummmerholiday I wasn't obliged to pay their debts......really I should have told them to get a job and pay off their own debts....my in my head I thought family helped each other out? so, what I am asking is are there any people with similar relationships with their parents? Should i just cut them out my life now and save heartache in the future for when my children do wonder why they don't have Grandparents around for special times in their life? We have already stopped inviting them to birthdays...soon they will be at an age when they don't want to have them around anyway!

FaFoutis your so funny!! they are useless!! sadly their generation are heading towards old age, everyone feels sorry for lonely old people whose family don't visit....now I know why they end up as lonely old people, because when they were middle aged they didn't want to know their family!! So why would we want to know when they need caring for? they become a burden......I would never want to feel like I do, I always wanted to care for my parents in old age, I never wanted to see them suffer, I just dont understand it all. I guess I need to be hard and just turn away from them. very sad, I wish it wasn't this way, I always wanted a close family who stuck together.

Are your children hard work? Be honest.

Don't ask...don't expect and reduce your interaction with them.

I'll be honest... I can't imagine in what universe my parents would complain about my DC. They absolutely love them and spending time with them?

What ages are they? Boys or girls?

I do hope as your parents get older... they don't expect the DGC to suddenly become interested in them though.

I have to say I'd be rather pissed off if my parents didn't show any interest in my children. They wouldn't see much of me either.

We have one set of grandparents who have no contact with us at all, it was their choice and happened after we had a first baby. Another set have very little to do with us as they are always on holiday or 'busy' and a third set where the grandmother sometimes visits but has never offered to help or babysit. At first I was shocked and upset by this lack of interest and support, but now I find it peaceful.
It's a very common situation among people I know.

I would say just lower your level of contact with them and lower your expectations. They really won't change. I wanted a supportive family too but I haven't got one. On the positive side I won't feel obliged to look after them when they are old.

As a grandparent who has her GC a lot I’m surprised that any GP doesn’t adore their GC.
But! having said that, it’s a lot easier to look after GC when you see them very regularly so you build up a relationship with them and know what makes them tick.
If neither set of GPs have made the time to get to know your DC they will see them as hard work.
Back off for a while and move on with your life without bothering to involve them. Eventually, maybe, they’ll realise they’re the ones missing out. I can’t imagine not being a part of my DGC’s lives.

it is a shame. My children are under 5 but they are not in nappies, they can dress themselves and use the toilets on their own, they go to day care but when home I am alone with them 24/7. I feel sad that we don't have family that take an interest with us and I feel sad when I see other people out with their parents or Grandparents who take out their Grandchildren for lunch, I have no idea why they find them hard? My parents complain they talk too much......but i find their conversations funny, its tiring for me because i am the only one they can talk to, i guess they get excited when they have a new person around to talk to......they always say how much they love their parents, and I find that shocking and sweet seeing as they hardly see them.....I have distanced myself in the past and my parents complained about not seeing them?? so this is why i am confused, it seems they want contact but only on their terms and when its good for them....but i am utterly confused by this, I work all and I the kids are in daycare, I can't travel in the eve as I have homework to take care of and dinners to cook baths and bedtime, over the weekend I also work, so the only time i can visit them is holidays, which is xmas, but other than that my family will not make an effort to visit me, If i ask for help maybe once of twice a year i am asking too much.....there are people at my work who's parents look after their Grandchildren everyday, I see Grandparents walking their to school, mine dont even know where their schools are!!!

If i am lucky enough myself to live to "old age" and be a Grandparent myself I'm going to make the most of it, I don't understand what they fill up their day with, Morning trash TV? and eating?

Holidays, garden centres, golf, home improvements, yes and crap TV. Also a fair amount of time reading all about how horrible everyone and everything is in the Daily Mail.

Your children sound very cute misslost.

Your children indeed sound very cute misslost and as for Christmas I would not subject yourselves to any "family" meal, make your own traditions instead.

I can sympathise with your situation and in my case my parents did not change. My mother many years ago stated that she was never ever going to look after any children I would go onto have and she stayed true to her word.

They were and remain disinterested in my family life and my relationship with them now is down to the occasional visit and phone call. They also regarded any sort of childcare as "hard work"; all such selfish people care about is their own selves and having their needs met. They were never interested in attending any Christmas play at the infants or such like so I stopped asking. I relied on Sitters for any babysitting and friends going forward and carved out a life for us on that basis.

My parents filled and fill their time with holidays, running around after my childfree brother and shopping.

FaFoutis and AttilaTheMeerkat so true!, My parents are always cooking my siblings dinner, they have no children but are grown up adults!! I do wonder why my own parents had children.....and i also remember being left to my own devices a lot of the time! I spent my youth away from home as much as i could, and left to live with friends in my teens to which my parents couldn't careless, I guess it was stupid of me to think that they would in their older years pay more of an interest??!! I have since leaving home never depended on them, and indeed helped them out when in trouble, to which i was quite confused as surely they should be debt free in their old age, they have/had little concern over how i survive.........I guess they are hoping my siblings will take care of them in their old age. I stopped calling my Parents a few months ago to see if they would call me and they didn't i think 5 weeks went by without a call, so i finally called them and they said "what do you want?" I said I missed them and that we had no spoken in a long time, to which they asked again what i wanted, to which I said nothing, just a phone call, and then they asked why i hadn't called in so long?? So I asked why they hadn't bothered to call me? If i lived alone and died they would be the last to know! I guess its time for to harden up and realise that my parents just dont care about me and I should stop caring for them also, as a child you do always love your parents, so it is hard, no matter how they treat you.

My mum wishes she lived closer to us, so she could spend more time with their children.

My Dsis asked my niece (4yo)how many nights she wanted DM to come down for..."forever" was her reply.

I think some GP are just lazy and selfish.

There are lots of elderly people in nursing homes who would love contact with young children. It helps with their low moods and gives them something to look forward to.

I saw a documentary about it recently.

If they can't be bothered with you... don't be bothered with them.

and their dis-interest in their Grandchildren is just history repeating in their dis interest in me as a child, and yes, it hurt me, so I guess rather than letting my children figure them out the hard way I will just save them the heartache. My siblings also have no interest in my kids, so I will be interested to see how things are when they finally have their own! Its a really sad way to be, but I guess its what they want.

SandyY2K that sounds lovely, I'd love that kind of family!! All i know is that i'll be around to help my children as best I can. Its funny how strangers make better family than real family. x

I think you have to just reduce your expectations, and at the same time don't pander to them. You will see less of them but it will probably also simplify your life if you build it around your nuclear family and your friends. Childcare issues fortunately don't go on for ever either and we have found that fortunately the costs decrease as the children get older so it helps with budgeting when other costs increase. We too have (3 sets of) grandparents who aren't that involved. All live some distance away. One set are really just too old, they have health issues and tbh if they were nearer it would be a case of us helping them. One day we will have to move them but they are getting by for now. Another set are more interested but spend a lot of time helping my step brother who is a single parent and has very un-childcare friendly hours. The final set are interested in theory but not so much in reality- I was upset when my mum was more bothered about clearing out my grans flat than coming up for my youngest's first birthday. There was no time pressure or underlying other reason and trust me she wasn't exactly grieving, nor did I expect anything other than she turn up for a night or two on a date to suit her, but Apparently I was unfair and put too much pressure on her It took a while to get over that lack of interest in my DS but basically I understand now that she doesn't really give a shit unless she is the centre of attention, and I've come to terms with that after a few years and a little counselling.
We see each set a couple of times a year as it's between 3 and 6 hours each way and they are all very spread out and that has to do. Sad, but really there are much much sadder things going on in the world.

I think you have to just reduce your expectations, and at the same time don't pander to them. You will see less of them but it will probably also simplify your life if you build it around your nuclear family and your friends. Childcare issues fortunately don't go on for ever either and we have found that fortunately the costs decrease as the children get older so it helps with budgeting when other costs increase. We too have (3 sets of) grandparents who aren't that involved. All live some distance away. One set are really just too old, they have health issues and tbh if they were nearer it would be a case of us helping them. One day we will have to move them but they are getting by for now. Another set are more interested but spend a lot of time helping my step brother who is a single parent and has very un-childcare friendly hours. The final set are interested in theory but not so much in reality- I was upset when my mum was more bothered about clearing out my grans flat than coming up for my youngest's first birthday. There was no time pressure or underlying other reason and trust me she wasn't exactly grieving, nor did I expect anything other than she turn up for a night or two on a date to suit her, but Apparently I was unfair and put too much pressure on her It took a while to get over that lack of interest in my DS but basically I understand now that she doesn't really give a shit unless she is the centre of attention, and I've come to terms with that after a few years and a little counselling.
We see each set a couple of times a year as it's between 3 and 6 hours each way and they are all very spread out and that has to do. Sad, but really there are much much sadder things going on in the world.

Sorry, don't know what happened there!

My twins only have one grandparent (well, actually I think both of their grandfathers are still alive, one definitely is not sure about the other, but they won't be seeing them). She lives a couple of hours away and has visited twice, for a few hours. Nevertheless babysat, never offered, never offered anything actually. She gushes over fb photos and that's it. She doesn't call to check on them, or us, even though one has been very seriously ill and had long hospital stays.

It won't change so I just accept they'll have minimal contact with her. It breaks my heart when I think of what my mum would have been like with them, or when I see friends gettjng so much support from their parents (a friend's mum lives abroad but has flown over several times for a week to help out with her twins, others have had the babies for weekends, others can't get enough of time with their grandkids), but I can't change it so I'm not going to waste any energy on it. I had a wonderful relationship with my grandmother so that makes me sad, but it is what it is.

Don't force them - it will only end up hurting your kids as they're constantly let down.

Sorry I meant "never babysat"

I tell a lie - she did buy us a buggy when I was pregnant, which I was incredibly grateful for, but that and two visits in over a year have been the extent of her involvement.

I think some GP are just lazy and selfish

I think this is really harsh. I do think GPs should be able to live their lives the way they want to, especially as depending on age they might not have that many years of good health left.

There is a body of feeling that says that when you have a child at say the age of 30, you have to accept that at 70, they may have 4 kids of their own that they expect you to help look after and interact with. Even though they had no say about how many children their children had.

Grandparents really owe their grandchildren nothing. Many grandparents have a lovely relationship with their grandchildren but they don't have to. My ds has a lovely relationship with my mum but I had a very distant relationship with my grandmothers (my grandfathers both died before I was born) because they lived a long way away and were quite old, too. I think my mum's mum would have been more interested if she'd been closer and younger, but my dad's mum wouldn't have been. They both sent money at Christmas and birthdays and that was that and I never thought anything of it, I thought it was normal. I suppose I knew some kids had their grandparents living locally, but I don't remember noticing it at all.

I think it upsets the parents far more than it does the kids, they won't even notice.