Grandparents....

[misslost]

The Grandparents on both sides of our family see our children as a burden, they always complain about their behaviour and don't ever want to babysit or look after them, they have done in the past, but it isn't without complaining about how much hard work it is, and saying they will used and unappreciated. This talk has started to really get me down, I honestly feel like disowning my family for good and not bothering with them anymore, has anyone got any advice on how I should handle this? Christmas is going to be hard, we are suppose to be all getting together for a meal, but I no longer want to take my children to see anyone, so afterwards they can complain about them/us.

I totally disagree that they won't even notice. They aren't stupid.

And really, why would you not want a proper relationship with your grandkids? Age and ill health aside - my twins' grandmother is not even 60 and in perfect health! She was very involved with her first grandchild who lived locally but has seemingly decided that being a couple of hours away from us is just too much of a barrier. It's nonsense of course. Spoke to a lady yesterday who has baby granddaughters and for the last couple of months has been taking annual leave to visit them weekly. I maintained an amazing relationship with mine even when we moved six hours away, in the time before FaceTime, phones and email.

My DH is really upset with his mum and I can't blame him - if my mum were alive and behaved like this, I'd be gutted.

I'm late fifties, have three grandsons who I see irregularly. I have two jobs, barely any money and worry enough about trying to keep myself afloat. I love seeing the boys, when I don, but I'm pretty much always knackered (see having two jobs just to pay the rent), and looking after a bunch of toddlers would probably see me off! To say nothing of catching bugs off them and having to take unpaid sick days off work...

Love 'em, happy to see them, but, having only just got rid of my own kids to their own houses/lives, I don't want to start again with someone else's children, even my own son's.

OP you need to stop thinking they owe you somehow. Stop this "duty" thing that so many allow themselves to be bound by. If they can't be bothered with you then, don't bother with them. When I see lonely elders I'm not really sorry for them as they mostly bring it on themselves. Then expect that by virtue of their age and relation, you're supposed to do your duty and/or that grandkids/ great grandkids 'have to' visit them.

Yes your DCs may be hard work - I bet a lot of us were. But they're your hard work anyway so honestly, leave your grandparents alone to get on with your lives, and get on with yours. If you no longer want to visit etc then, don't.

Why put obligation on yourself? What are you going to do, sit there in resentment thinking about what they do or don't do? What's the point?

Life really is too short for some things. You've got your lovely DCs, be glad for that.

The fact both sets of grandparents are saying the same means at 5 I’m assuming twins they find them hard work I have a 4year old I couldn’t imagine two that age

OP, that's my experience exactly, didn't ring my mum for six weeks and when I did she said, "Oh hello, what do you want?"

She was so uninterested in me and my children that when she died I didn't miss her at all, there was nothing to miss, which was sad really.

YANBU

Just keep harping on about old age and how
Hard work old people are especially with the rise of dementia and Alzheimer's. Ask them politely what their expectations are with family in old age.

Families are meant to support each other - they can't have their cake and eat it.

Exactly. It works both ways - hope they don't expect any support when they're old and frail.

I spoke to my family as to why are not interested in us......they said, "Your house can be a bit of a treck....from the moment one enters the front door.....all over the place is a mess, there are toys everywhere, your house is uncomfortability hot, these factors make people restless, consider clearing your garden, clearing the toys away and consider redecorating, using light airy colours...Stay on top of your housework....& go to church on sundays"

MistressDeeCee, I get what you saying, I don't think they owe me, I just wanted family to work and my children to have Grandparents, I did not have a relationship with my grandparents, when they passed away I literally couldn't even fake cry, I had 0 emotion and refused to visit them in hospital, they had made 0 effort my whole life to get to know me, and they felt like 100% strangers to me? I didn't see why I should suddenly pretend I knew them because their time on earth was now less.....should make time for people before it gets that far, sadly I guess history will only repeat itself, and I would have liked a change.

I did not have a relationship with my grandparents

I suspect your parents weren't especially shown love... so thry don't know how to show it to you and your children.

They've become a product of their upbringing.

Very sad. I firmly believe that at this age .. my parents need me more than I need them.

If they showed no interest in me out my siblings and our children they'd be miserable and miss out on so many experiences.

Leave you mum and no doubt she'll be in touch when she needs you.

And some grandparents are selfish..yet they ate happy you as accept and expect your help.

I'm so glad my parents aren't like that.

When we lived a mile away from our own ambivalent uninvolved grandparents(though I'm sure they'd come to the rescue in an emergency) my DC ended up having an amazing surrogate grandparents experience for a few years through developing a friendship with next door neighbours, who were very enthusiastic grandparents to their own GC but also took my DC under their wings. We still keep in touch, having moved away, and DD calls the lady Granny and will probably always think of her as her Granny.

I do think it's very sad when the children grow up without having an older person in their life to have fun and relationship with, and it's mutually beneficial. I think, OP, they treat you quite coldly, maybe your house is a mess, all it means that you could do with some help, if that was my house, my DM would just suggest coming and helping me clear it if she didn't live in a different country.
But it's pointless waiting for them to change, I'm surprised you've been knocking on their door for so long! however I would recommend casting your net and checking if you have any lonely older neighbours to befriend or even contacting a charity. I've heard there are charities offering to set up meet-ups between local lonely older people and anyone who is willing to hang out with them, not to physically help them in any way, but just for a chance of mutually beneficial occasional companionship. Actually I know of someone who without any mercenary reasons befriended an elderly person and ended up being their heir!

Lots of people seem to easily accept that they can have friends which are much better friends for them than their own siblings, but for some reason people don't generally reach out to a different generation when they often could have an "Auntie/Uncle" type of figure in their own life and a grandparent type of figure for their own kids.
Most of the church toddler groups I've been to have older ladies volunteering because they miss the interaction with little ones and happy to give mums a break and have a chat with mums. Some of them have their own grandchildren on the doorstep and are involved, but some don't have any or they are far away and they would be happy to have children in their life in some capacity. Establishing a friendship like that would require effort, but any relationship requires effort, and yours is obviously wasted on your family, OP, so you might as well try and apply it elsewhere. :) Good luck!

When I worked in London a lot of my older customers use to pop in for a chat with me, and I'd help them with paperwork if they needed, I loved my Chats with them and I really enjoyed helping them too, I think finding a local charity for Older people is a great idea, I would love to help out anyone I could, I mean I randomly do it in the street, there was a really really old man struggling with his shopping and I offered to drive him home, but he was very stubborn!! but I helped him at least organise his bags so they were easier to carry, I think that is a fantastic idea and I am going to look into that Freshme x