Should I stay or should I go?

[Proseccoisthenewlambrini]

It’s hard to know where to start the main points are my older children aren’t happy with my dc, my younger children are happy half the time and then annoyed upset angry when they’re told often something which they don’t understand. We have had a troubled relationship been together for eight years, married I have two children from previous marriage and we have two together. I jjust don’t know where to go any more. I’ve tried talking to him about his upbringing and his authoritarian parenting style and How its not good for children, he then turned on me and tells me that I’m the one being unreasonable and I don’t tell them what ff. he says they don’t have boundaries with me and respect me because I don’t have discipline enough, I kind of understand from his point of you at least, I am more relaxed with the children they do in my opinion have appropriate and fair boundaries and I feel like I’m consistent with them. My two from my previous marriage don’t want him around and that’s really difficult because I don’t think he’s a bad person I don’t think you he’s trying to upset anybody I genuinely believe it’s just what he thinks is right he thinks Hes doing the best for the children for the future for them to be the best they can be but I see things completely different from him and I think that we need to nurture them with empathy and respect as he seems to be of the opinion that they need to do As they are told when they are told. Please help!

*dh

My exh was a bully and I couldn't see it. My adult dc still have therapy and take medication.
Please leave him op.

You do your dc and your relationship with them no favours by staying.

Oh wow, I really wasn’t expecting that response. I’ve attempted leaving before but always back down

Your older Dc don't want him around. You should leave - you are putting his feelings before your older DC's atm. Their feelings are vlid - put them first. He sounds like a bully - he should be willing to discuss changing his parenting style, attending classes etc but he thinks his way is the right way!

Don't make your DC put up with this.

Leave it’s not fair on your dc

You have to put your children first.

'you have to put your children first'. But Op's younger children should be considered, too. She would be leaving their father.

How old are your older dcs, Op?

Would counselling/family therapy help? Could you agree a list of what is really important to clamp down on and what can be let slide? e.g. No one has the right to be rude or unpleasant, but if the older one's don't want to tidy their room, that's their look-out. They have to live with it.

Just how authoritarian is he?

Older dc are 9 and 11, younger ones are 3 and 5.
He doesn’t hear them out, is very critical of them and seems to struggle to praise them, he seems to be really uncomfortable with it.
I often dread him coming home as I’m worried what he is going to comment on, for example, who’s left the light on, or, why is there a book or toy left out, this seems to be only when he thinks it’s one of the older dc responsible.
He is very impatient and gives harsh punishments like being sent to bed very early, or not being allowed to the School disco, removing toys for days “until they earn them back”. This can be in response to things like butting into conversations or shouting at each other.
On the other side he works hard, he helps with homework (but I always get the feeling he enjoys being in control of this). I have been in an abusive relationship before so I don’t know if I’m loooking for things which are not there or if this really isn’t ok. I am feeling really confused.

It really isn't OK if it's making you feel like this. Even without your past history, you have two very different parenting styles and he does sound harsh to me. I'm not surprised the older two aren't happy. They must have been v young when he took over the paternal role. Do they think of him as their dad, and does he treat them as step-children?

If you laid it on the line with him how unhappy you are and that you must get this sorted or it's v likely you will split up, would he agree to let an outsider, like a counsellor or family therapist, help you mend your relationship?

"I often dread him coming home"

This is something to really sit and think about, is that what you want the next 40 years to be?

I can see your older DC really resenting you for not standing up for them and putting a bully in a position of power over them. You could lose them when they're old enough to leave.

He’s a bully isn’t he?

Yes, I think you are right Footle. Thymeout, I have tried getting him onto a parenting course, I have completed one but he won’t take it from me and says I am preaching.
He does see them as his step children, I have just pulled him up on something, it didn’t go down well, he raised his voice and accused me of trying to start an argument.

I couldn't live a minute with a man like that. He treats your older children worse because he'd rather they didn't exist.

He's a nasty controlling bully. Think of your children and the life they'll end up having with this man,

Does anyone have any tips on how I can approach a conversation about him basically being on one last chance and he needs to listen to and look at the parenting resources I have? I just want him to be fair and warm with them.

I think that you don't have much option other than to sit down and be very firm. You need to tell him you see him treating your older children differently, that they are unhappy and that they have to come first.

You need to tell him if he's unwilling to make serious permanent changes which includes a parenting course then you're leaving.

And the success will be based on whether you see your children happy and content.

If he agrees I'd put a time limit on looking for success (a couple of months) and if he doesn't I'd make immediate plans to leave.

He needs to know you're really serious.

Thanks for the advice. You are right, this is really scary, it’s really difficult to weigh it all up, I keep doubting myself thinking I’m overreacting. He’s so different when we go on holiday, at home it’s like he thinks it’s an army barracks and he’s the general! I will talk to him tonight.

Hope it goes OK OP.

I really don't think you should feel like you're overreacting-this is the long-term happiness of your children.

He has gone out. I told him, he said I’m always moody, I have never given a f**k about him, I only care about myself. He’s had enough. He then went upstairs and changed then went out the front door and drive off. I feel sick, what if I’ve made a mistake and it’s all in my head? Shit!

It’s not all in your head, OP. I hate this shit. He sounds as if he is bullying your older children, and I guarantee that there will be no reasoning with him. I urge you to leave him.

He seems like he genuinely feels hard done by and believes he is doing nothing wrong.

You opened your first post by saying your older children are unhappy and your younger children are unhappy half the time. Frankly that's all I need.

A little bit of my experience: my mum stayed with a shitty and ineffectual man for years and has two children with him. She remained weak and unhappy, I was basically unhappy for most of my childhood and then my mum dropped dead leaving us all with him. I went to her family, my younger siblings remained with him. Their lives are shitty because they had a terrible start with terribly modelled relationships and I've spent my adult life feeling guilty about leaving.

All would've been avoided has she left him, got her shit together and made proper provisions for the children she supposedly 'lived' for.

I sound quite bitter I expect. I am. She's been dead since I was a teenager and I still see the effects of her shitty decision making ruining the lives of my siblings.

That sounds terrible, I’m sorry.
I told him I felt I had to choose between him and dc, he just can’t see it.
I was trying to study a few nights ago, he was out, all dc in bed. He came home and put the tv on, I asked him politely if he would mind going upstairs to watch tv, he asked me if I was serious, and then kept watching his program for 30mins before finally going up. We have a small house and I was sat at dining table in living room. Tonight he used that against me and said I am obsessed with my studies and I order him around telling him he can’t even watch tv downstairs.
Last night he told dd1 she hadn’t brushed her teeth for long enough and to go do it again, ds2 and dd2 hadn’t even brushed theirs!

Why are you hesitating? What are your reservations? He just doesn't sound very nice.