Should I stay or should I go?

[Proseccoisthenewlambrini]

It’s hard to know where to start the main points are my older children aren’t happy with my dc, my younger children are happy half the time and then annoyed upset angry when they’re told often something which they don’t understand. We have had a troubled relationship been together for eight years, married I have two children from previous marriage and we have two together. I jjust don’t know where to go any more. I’ve tried talking to him about his upbringing and his authoritarian parenting style and How its not good for children, he then turned on me and tells me that I’m the one being unreasonable and I don’t tell them what ff. he says they don’t have boundaries with me and respect me because I don’t have discipline enough, I kind of understand from his point of you at least, I am more relaxed with the children they do in my opinion have appropriate and fair boundaries and I feel like I’m consistent with them. My two from my previous marriage don’t want him around and that’s really difficult because I don’t think he’s a bad person I don’t think you he’s trying to upset anybody I genuinely believe it’s just what he thinks is right he thinks Hes doing the best for the children for the future for them to be the best they can be but I see things completely different from him and I think that we need to nurture them with empathy and respect as he seems to be of the opinion that they need to do As they are told when they are told. Please help!

It's a real nightmare being piggy in the middle, when I was married and my son was at home I wanted to get rid of the lot of them to stop all the incessant bickering.
i wish I knew what the answer is.

I know I'm completely unreasonable and very much coloured by my personal experience of a step-family but if my marriage broke down I think I'd steer clear of living with someone until my children were adults.

It's not a dig - it's just something I mull over now and again and the more I read on here the more certain I am avoiding it would be best for me and my children.

I’m hesitant as this is our life, we are a family (albeit a disfunctional one). We have 2 dc together. Taking dc out of the equation I love him. Maybe I do expect too much of him. But then being positive and kind should not be too much to ask surely?

Oh and I totally agree, knowing what I know now there is no way o would get involved with another man until all my dc are adults, it’s impossible

This is what my mum used to say - 'we're a family' but you know what? THEY were a family and I wasn't a proper part of it. It took me years to realise just how unhappy I was during my childhood, why I was so touchy, defensive, desperate for approval.

You'll do whatever you feel is best I know, but I'm telling you now without him engaging and willing to change in 15 years you will be having christmasses without your older DC and wondering why they never call or come home to visit.

Thanks moany. I have been in this position before and always end up back tracking.
He came back last night late and I was asleep, ds2 was calling me and getting up throughout the night with a temperature so I got him medicine and resettled him many times, DH didn’t get up once (this isn’t unusual ) he did finally get up this morning about an hour later than dc so I then went back to bed for an hour. He didn’t say goodbye this morning to anyone, just walked out the house.
Sorry if it’s becoming a bit of a diary, I need to get it all down.

I know I’m going to need support and encouragement to stick to this now, I just keep thinking about having a calm, relaxed home for dc.

Hi Op
I am in a similar situation with regards to having a dh who parents our dc with an authoritarian style and shows them no emotional support. He has always been loving towards me and I've never understood why he couldn't be the same to his dc (5+3). Two weeks ago after a discussion I said I wanted to separate and he just agreed with everything I said.
It's something I have thought about for over a year and have come to realise he isn't going to change and doesn't want to so the best thing I can do for me and the dc is to remove us from this situation. It's not going to be easy but I know it's the right thing to do.
We are both speaking fine and he is helping to get our rental ready for moving in, almost to the point of becoming too involved?! I'm finding myself biting my tongue a bit as he tells me what to put where etc. But in the long run its going to be better. I hope you find the courage to do what's right for you guys, it's not easy with two dc nevermind four, but you have to put them first.

That sounds really awkward for you Jessie. Do you think he is trying to win you back? How have your dc been?

'It's a real nightmare being piggy in the middle, when I was married and my son was at home I wanted to get rid of the lot of them to stop all the incessant bickering.
i wish I knew what the answer is.'

The answer is that you put your kids first before your latest partner.

seems to struggle to praise them, he seems to be really uncomfortable with it.

This is like the kiss of death to a child's self esteem.

I have a close friend who was parented like this - emotionally absent father, hyper-critical mother. She is now in her 40s and still suffers, despite years of counselling, with lack of self esteem and confidence, and the need to seek external validation through (eg) risky sexual behaviours.

Please put ALL your DC first and get yourselves free of this man.

Op no he isn't trying to win me back. I spoke to him about working at things rather than drawing a line under it (he's never been one to talk or address issues) but he said he thought it was pretty final when we had initially talked and didn't see the point 'in all this' (separating, me moving out) if we were going to get back together!!

The dc have been great so far, I was dreading telling them but they took it so well. We are yet to move and are all still living in the same house so I'm.sure they will feel it once we move.

I would really like someone to secretly film what is said in out relationship. He seems to have a habit of turning everything around to be my fault but he genuinely believes it is.
I went out and bought a cheap desk to solve the problem of me not being able to concentrate on my studies whilst he watches tv. He came home after taking his mum out, and to cut a long story v short was a complete twat about it, implied I was wrong to get it and told me to change my attitude and stop trying to argue with him. He kept shouting at me asking if all I want to do is argue as he has had enough. I’m doubting myself. Maybe it is me.

Why bother with one last chance?? He's an abusive twat, cruel too. ALL your children are suffering because of him.

He is gaslighting you and emotionally damaging your children.

It's going to be such a relief when you kick him out. Imagine the peace! Your children are going to be so much happier without wondering what he's going to bark about next.

You dont give adults chances. You dont try and change grown people. If you dont like who they are, you leave. Thats it OP. He either wants to look at his parenting style or he doesnt. And he doesn't. Now what happens next is your responsibility. As my best male friend used to put it succinctly about my dysfunctional relationship with my ex - s*it or get off the pot. I.e. take action or be quiet but don't stay put and be a martyr.

I have literally no idea why you are still with him. You can have no valid reason to stay with him. I don't know how you could love someone who treats you so badly but the fact he treats your children the same cements it for me.

There is nothing good left in your relationship if your posts are genuine (which I believe they are). I agree with LesisMiserable - don't martyr yourself for no good fucking reason.

It’s really easy to advise strangers what to do, I mean that in the best possible way - I came on here for advice!
I spoke to my mum earlier, she is usually very critical but even she said he is unsupportive and she doesn’t know how I put up with it.
I realise you are unanimously saying ltb but is there a way I can be sure I won’t regtrt it? What if it’s me being hard work or grumpy on high alert due to previous relationship?

Do you think he is sitting there angst ridden, wondering, is it me ? You bet your bottom dollar he is not. Just because he shouts the loudest doesnt make him right.Build it up in your own mind, write notes of what he does to keep yourself focused and let him go.You really dont need him, you just dont know it yet.

I was you until last January. Your examples are EXACTLY like mine. I talked to him, quickly realised he couldn't change (he thought it was all me and that he was fine) and I divorced him.
Hardest thing I've ever done.
Am 42 next, my DC (primary school) are FLOURISHING!!

Go ahead, follow your gut, you are dead right.
Your children will say thank you.

I was also in a similar situation and thought I needed cameras to record what was said...but then I realised how far from normal my marriage was.

Its not normal to feel this way.He refuses to take responsibility and wont change.

Out of interest did he have an abusive childhood?
Its a horrible situation to be in but I am much happier a year later. It was tough at the start but will get easier.

It's easy to advise anyone with the examples you give and the scenarios you paint. You stated very clearly that your children are unhappy and this is down to the way your husband treats them.

He is not willing to change and therefore you are choosing your dysfunctional marriage over your children's wellbeing.

That's up to you, but everyone on this thread can see it and if you can't that is your issue to overcome. Stay with him if you choose, make the best of it, and live on eggshells for the rest of your marriage. Just don't be surprised when your children are old enough to choose they choose not to be close to you and him because of your choices.

If you can accept that then carry on as you are.