Mother Daughter relationship at breaking point

[Buzyizzy]

I think I've posted about this before on here, but in the last few months it's got much worse.
I have two grown up children, daughter is 26 and son is 23. They share a flat together and have done for almost a year. They graduated the same year and lived at home for 18 months before returning to London to live and work.
Our relationships weren't brilliant in that time, all of us resenting being back at home, but we had a lot of good times too.
I sold the family home and moved away for a few months. I am now back living in the same town as before, which is where my daughter's boyfriend lives.
Since I've been back, I've felt that I'm no longer a part of her life. She never calls, and when she comes down to visit her boyfriend every month, she brings him with her when she visits me for an hour or so. Our relationship has completely gone down the pan. I had my birthday back in the summer and she obviously gave no thought to what I would like, spending very little on me. Fast forward to yesterday, I rang her up and told her I felt completely unwanted and pushed out of her life. It did get rather heated I'm sorry to say and some of the comments were way over the line. I just feel as tho nothing I do will ever be enough for her. My son and I bought her a joint present for her birthday back in December (Eurostar tickets to Paris next month) and she was totally thrilled. We never have any physical contact, it's like there is this massive wall between us, and when I went to hug her the other week, she didn't hug me back and brushed me off as quickly as she could. I am hurting so much. If I don't bother contacting her, she doesn't contact me. Her brother rings me every week or ten days, but he is fed up with all this bad feeling, which is understandable. They don't see their father anymore, their decision, and it's like they think we both did such a bad job as parents that they're not going to have anything to do with us, apart from the bare minimum. I am at a complete loss. I have made friends here and I have my work, but family is immensely important to me and with Christmas looming, I just want all this horrid atmosphere cleared up. I do feel that the only way to achieve this is if I back down completely and just accept that she's never gonna respect me, but I don't want that. I want a proper grown up relationship where we both value each other.

Op you sound really "needy" you are probably "guilting" your Dc's to keep in touch/see you.
Stop it!
Both your Dc's are adults they have their own lives to lead, as do you, loosen the ties, don't expect anything (and I mean anything) .
I have 4 adult sons I never judge anything they do, never offer advice unless its asked for and never interfere in their lives. If they forget a birthday or Mothers day I really don't take it personally
I know they love me as I love them.
Let them love you as an individual because you are you, not because they feel obliged to because you are their Mother.
Always be pleased to see them even if they have only popped in for 5 minutes.
just ease off on the pressure on your daughter, and relax, and I'm sure it will all work itself out.

I agree 'Don't expect anything back just love your daughter' and be there for her.
when she has children she will understand you.

You sound like very hard work.

Your daughter is in her twenties - this isn't her time to support you. This is her time for herself, to work out who she is and what she wants from life. You're not done cooking in your twenties.

You complain about your daughter, moan about presents. The presents thing is beyond grabby and petty. You continually seem to want more: in time, attention, closeness. Demanding in every post. Also, there are issues relating to her teenage years, losing her dad, her family home. I'm sure you had a hand in those.

You are meant to compliment her. You are meant to build her up. Why are you even keeping score? You want closeness but then find reason to take offence when she is coming home for Xmas. It's you that doesn't make sense. Why wouldn't you invite her boyfriend if you know it would make her happy? Why would you cause turbulence? Are you so needy for her sole attention at Xmas?

If you want closeness with your daughter then you need to remember you are a mother to a daughter who needs love, support and also to live her own life and make her own way. Champion that and you will see change you want. Starts with you.

No wonder she doesnt talk to you much. You sound like very hard work.

It sounds like bad stuff (conflict etc) went on in the family home when you and DH were married, you broke up when DC were late teens (?) and you say your DD was angry with you and both DC, in due course, lost contact with their father, which is a huge deal.

I wouldn’t involve your DS in the issues with your DD: not fair on him. Just seek to maintain a good one to one relationship with him.

With DD it might take a long time to address the issues between you. It was a bad plan to have high expectations of her, and to have a go at her on the phone. Might be better to see her on her terms until things seem more stable.

Only buy gifts and do things for DD that you can afford in terms of time and money.

I avoid talking to my gran on the phone because all she does is guilt me.
So I go longer and longer between calls and I have to build myself up to ring her.
It’s so draining.

I've noticed mothers of adult children hardly ever get support on MN.
I think you're wasting your time here OP.

buzy I've just got back in contact with my mother after 15 years NC. She wasn't a great mother.

I wasn't a great mother to my eldest and it's effected our relationship which I work in every day - as I was very similar to my mother. You have to look at your behaviour. Own your part in the breakdown otherwise you will lose her.

People stay away from people who bring them down. Have a look at yourself

I can't see what your issue is? You saw her 2 weeks ago had a nice time, then you accuse her of pushing you out?! My mum lives 5 minutes away and at busy times in our lives we might have no direct contact for 2 months, it's no big deal. You will push her away if you keep being negative. She wants to spend Christmas with you and yes invited her boyfriend, why does that matter? Do you expect her to choose between who she'd rather spend the day with.

OP I think you need to get into therapy and work out some of your own issues. to understand yourself better, your needs, your boundaries, and maybe which of them need to be reshaped or redrawn from the better.

Could also help you to see things from her perspective and understand her motivations better. maybe you have made mistakes, and understanding / owning them will be the path to a better happier relationship with her daughter.

At various points you may need to hear things from her, and accept things from her that are hard for you.

No doubt you did the best you could, with the resources available. But that still may have been hard / damaging to her.

Also she is still a very young adult. So, even if she has reflected on all of this, she is probably not yet at the point of being able to understand your choices and forgive your mistakes.

to give an example, my mum tells me she stayed in her miserable marriage for us. Implication is, it's our fault she spent 20 years with someone wrong for her. This isn't true. She stayed because she was afraid to leave, and we were a great excuse not to. But her inability to take responsibility for her own actions does impact our relationship and reduce our closeness.

I'm 40 and a parent myself. now I can see my mum did the best she could, and her mistakes and poor choices were down to her own failings. I can forgive both her past mistakes and her on going faults. I manage our relationship to be as close as is possible without it being damaging to me (which is a lot less close than my mother would like). But in my 20s I was in a very different phase, and went not quite no contact, but very low contact, while I extracated myself from our co-dependent relationship.

you'll say you didn't do what I've described, and that will be true.

But it sounds like life was hard, and she's got hurt by events.

Go to therapy and face up to yourself, your choices, the consequences. It may be that you will come to see her in a different way, you might be able to discuss it, but that may not be necessary.

Things may just change without discussion if you are working on yourself, but if you don't take responsibility for yourself and your own part in how things are, they are much less likely to.

When a divorce happens, children do need professional counselling as not all are able to cope or carry on like before. Divorce is a real game changer .. you might not feel strongly about the divorce anymore by she might still be suffering inside and she can't cry to you anymore as she blames you for the scenario (like you said).

So why did she then feel that it was ok to invite her BF to Christmas Day. Couples come as a package. I would not dream of excluding my childrens boyfriends if they wanted to invite them. No one ever excluded from their family occasions.

You poor thing. You're not going to get even the beginnings of a fair hearing on here.

It's all your fault. That's what you have to understand on MN.

As sandy says I've noticed mothers of adult children hardly ever get support on MN.
I think you're wasting your time here OP.

I don't think you've actually received any support here OP and it's sad to see since that's what you posted for. Just a bunch of judgements from people who don't even know you. I don't think it's ok to accept ride treatment from anyone, even if you did give birth to them! Sending hugs

Always the same posters who will support disfunctional mothers. Odd they cannot see what everyone else can.

I have to disagree re support. it might not have been ‘poor you, your daughter is a horrible horrible’. But if the op wants to improve her relationship with her daughter, or to be less distressed about her relationship, there’s a fair consensus about how that might be achieved. Sometimes support isn’t what you want to hear, doesn’t make the advice redundant.

Teenagers are hard, even if they are living in a perfect environment.theres a whole lot of stuff going on with them, expectations of themselves, perceived expectations from parents, teachers and peers. Insecurity, hormones playing havoc with their emotions etc. They usually lash out at those they feel safest with. Don't take it personally.

Regarding bringing a bf at Christmas. My kids are under 15 but even now, as much as we enjoy spending time as a family they all would always prefer to bring a friend. I don't berate them for that because I was the same as a kid and in my 20s I was in a long term relationship and we did as many things together as possible. It wouldn't have occurred to either of us that we wouldn't be welcome.

When my kids are atsleepovers etc. Do I get annoyed because they don't phone me? No, they're having fun. When they come home they'll tell me about some stuffbut at the time they're too busy to think about me or their family.

An ex has a mum who expected us to go round for Sunday lunch etc. She'd make excuses up why we/my bf needed to go round and guilt us in to going. She didn't need to do that. All she needed to do was invite us or say that she was in the area and could she pop in etc. If it wasn't convenient accept it gracefully like you would a friend. Those people are much more a pleasure to spend time with.

I think the OP is getting a hard time too.

Agreed the best thing she can do is try to ride this period out and hope that things get better. Also agreed that maybe her daughter is still hurting from divorce.

But it sounds like the relationship with her 6 months ago was way better than it is now. The difference seems to be the bf. Maybe your daughter is in a phase where he is almost all her focus, for now.

I'd say let the small stuff go (for example, not being formally asked if he can come for christmas) and try to wait this difficult period out without putting pressure on her. Hope it comes good for you.

Haffiana
Always the same posters who will support disfunctional mothers. Odd they cannot see what everyone else can.

I know, it's fascinating, you see it so many times on here.

It's all about you isn't it OP, all very me, me, me.

I am horrified that you criticise your DD for not buying the right size/style birthday present and to top it off, complain that she didn't spend enough money I must have bought some iffy presents for my parents over the years but every gift was always accepted with enthusiasm and gratitude, no matter what.

As for you calling her and telling her you felt completely unwanted and pushed out of her life - frankly if I were her I would run a mile. Your DD obviously has some unresolved issues resulting from you and your DH splitting, and also maybe about you selling the family home, etc but how will you ever know unless you have a conversation with her where you allow her to speak freely and you shut up for once about your needs and wants.

From reading your posts I'm not sure you're capable of doing that so don't feel very hopeful of a change in your relationship with your DD which is sad.

Black/white anyone?

OP, I could be your daughter so can maybe provide some insight from her perspective.

I feel that every since I can recall, my mum has been there for me when it suited her rather than when I needed her. She pushed me many times when I went through difficult times because she had other things to focus on them. She was totally unaware of what she was doing because she was too distracted by the other things in her life to even realise I was hoping for some of her support.

So I took it upon myself to actually ask for her support but when I did this, she always managed to turn things around to make it sound that I was unreasonable, making a big deal of what she saw has nothing (but was a big deal to me), and then somehow making me feel guilty. I felt that I couldn't talk to her because she wouldn't listen and just always got defensive.

It left me so hurt and feeling alone that after being left feeling let down one more time, I suddenly reached the point when I stopped expecting my mum to be there for me and removed myself emotionally. When that happened, our relationship became one of 'politeness'. I don't hate her, or even dislike her, I don't want her out of my life, I just don't have many feelings left. I never miss her, not wish I was sharing special times with her. I will contact her very occasionally, mainly responding to her contacting me to be pleasant.

She is totally oblivious of my feelings, let alone why I feel the way I do. No point in trying to explain it to her, she will convince herself that it's all my fault and nothing to do with her. So that's that. Sometimes I feel sorry for her, genuinely, but then I remind myself that I tried and tried but been disappointed too many times and it was inevitable that it would come to this one day.

I can't get over that you take it as an insult that she expects to come with her bf on Christmas Day. If a member of my family told me they expected me to turn up without dh, they'd be waiting a long time to see me- and I'm 54 and not easily offended. It is your expectations that are rude, not hers.

Again, I have a DM who deserves every good thing she could have from me- but I have never known her to notice that a present she is given is cheap.