Mother Daughter relationship at breaking point

[Buzyizzy]

I think I've posted about this before on here, but in the last few months it's got much worse.
I have two grown up children, daughter is 26 and son is 23. They share a flat together and have done for almost a year. They graduated the same year and lived at home for 18 months before returning to London to live and work.
Our relationships weren't brilliant in that time, all of us resenting being back at home, but we had a lot of good times too.
I sold the family home and moved away for a few months. I am now back living in the same town as before, which is where my daughter's boyfriend lives.
Since I've been back, I've felt that I'm no longer a part of her life. She never calls, and when she comes down to visit her boyfriend every month, she brings him with her when she visits me for an hour or so. Our relationship has completely gone down the pan. I had my birthday back in the summer and she obviously gave no thought to what I would like, spending very little on me. Fast forward to yesterday, I rang her up and told her I felt completely unwanted and pushed out of her life. It did get rather heated I'm sorry to say and some of the comments were way over the line. I just feel as tho nothing I do will ever be enough for her. My son and I bought her a joint present for her birthday back in December (Eurostar tickets to Paris next month) and she was totally thrilled. We never have any physical contact, it's like there is this massive wall between us, and when I went to hug her the other week, she didn't hug me back and brushed me off as quickly as she could. I am hurting so much. If I don't bother contacting her, she doesn't contact me. Her brother rings me every week or ten days, but he is fed up with all this bad feeling, which is understandable. They don't see their father anymore, their decision, and it's like they think we both did such a bad job as parents that they're not going to have anything to do with us, apart from the bare minimum. I am at a complete loss. I have made friends here and I have my work, but family is immensely important to me and with Christmas looming, I just want all this horrid atmosphere cleared up. I do feel that the only way to achieve this is if I back down completely and just accept that she's never gonna respect me, but I don't want that. I want a proper grown up relationship where we both value each other.

You may not get that, unfortunately. You don’t get to make people feel the way you’d like them to feel. You can only control how you respond to what they do. My advice, stop chasing. Text her when you think of her. Stop telling her what she should be doing or feeling regarding you.

She’s a young adult. It is kind of all about her. I don’t think she’s unreasonable. Do you have different expectations of your son, perhaps?

I suspect there’s a whole load of history between you that could be sorted out, but often that’s best coming from the child rather than the parent. This is your parent job now, to be ok with a relationship that’s different from how you expected it to be. Perhaps once you’ve built a new way of relating to each other, you might feel you have a strong enough basis to tackle the tough stuff. But I don’t think you can just will the past away and I don’t think now is the time to tackle it.

And relocate where you’re seeking validation. Your daughter is not able to provide the relationship you want, for whatever reason. That’s painful but trying to force it won’t make it better. Look to your friends and and other family, and take fulfilment there. You’re not going to get what you want from this relationship.

Stand back - let her go - try not to be so needy.

Honestly, you have done your bit bringing her up and now you need to develop a new life for yourself in which being a Mum is only a small part.

It seems that you have not yet jumped that hurdle between relating to her as "yours" and relating to her as an independent adult.

I have 3 adult DDs and the more I let them go to fly on their own and make their own lives, the more they seem to be kind and appreciative of their parents.

Just give it time, and most importantly MAKE NO DEMANDS - that will result in her pulling further away.

I completely accept her BF. He lives with his family five minute walk from me. If it was still the family home, I wouldn't have been so cross. when she first visited me at my new house, with BF, she was very unimpressed, distant, aloof, call it what you like. When I mentioned this to her in conversation several weeks later, she said it was because it was my house and she didn't feel she could have an opinion. I was only after a bit of enthusiasm from her. So why did she then feel that it was ok to invite her BF to Christmas Day. Nothing she does seems to make any sense. Every time I think things are improving, she does something that wipes all the good out. I thought we had had a good time, all it would have taken was a five minute call.

I can't imagine having to support my mum in my 20s. Unless there had been something specific, it just wouldn't have been in my radar. And I am compassionate and helpful. but at that age, I still considered my parents as invincible and not requiring my support and help.

It was only once I had kids that I began to understand what my parents had been through and how strong and capable they are. Recent dealings with my teenager also brought home why we had some difficulties during my teen years.

Your post oozes resentment and criticism op. I can't imagine that you'd be able to hide that from her and you're not making it a nice experience for her to contact you or see you if she feels guilted into it.

You say she never rings you.

Do you ever call her?

‘She said it was my house and she didn’t feel she could have an opinion’

‘I want respect from her’

‘She says something that wipes out all the good’

‘Nothing she does seems to make any sense’

I’m getting a sense of why your daughter might be limiting contact...

Dances, she had a year at school,to finish her A Levels, she spent a lot of time screaming at me that she'd lost her dad and it was my fault. I backed right off and let her do her own thing. Didn't interfere in school work, friends or anything. Took her to parties, we spent time together with the horses. I can't really remember much else, it wasn't a good time.

Why didn’t she want to speak to you?

If I back off and leave her alone, I absolutely guarantee she will not bother to make any contact, and when I eventually do, she will accuse me of sulking, because that's what happened last time I backed off. It doesn't help the situation, rather ignites it. She won't believe me when I tell her I was just letting stuff cool down, or any other reason. She will completely go for the jugular.

Gothandtired, I always ring her, every two weeks at the longest.

When my sister was in her early twenties and dealing with an eating disorder, she spent a time basically ringing up my parents and offloading about various things. You know what my Mum did? Said ‘right, this is her way of processing this’, and took it on board. She listened, with a kind of extraordinary compassion that I’ll always admire her for. It bought up difficult things for her that she then had to deal with for herself. You know what she didn’t do? Blame my sister, or say that she needed respect from her. She didn’t disengage, she was there for her but she also didn’t expect my sister to call her to ask how she was. They worked through it. I’ve always admired how my Mum approached it. It was tough for her, but it was what the situation needed.

I think it sounds like a conditional love you offer her. The "I do this for her and what does she do for me" statements. You get to choose to love her even if you get nothing in return. She's your daughter.
If she's not running to you to hang out with you, then I imagine there's some stuff you do that are stifling or controlling her, and you can't see it. (ido read that from your posts but I could be wrong).
I would let her go to be herself and just remind her every now that you care ..call her and say how are you? Don't expect anything back just love your daughter.

I think you should turn what you are saying back round on yourself and think about how you would feel if someone spoke to you like you were speaking about your daughter here. How you would feel if someone had these detailed emotional demands of you. I think you might find it incredibly draining and avoid them to be honest.
'she does something that wipes all the good out'
Im sorry I dont want to be offensive but i do feel sorry for your daughter because that statement just sounds a touch unhinged tbh. Are you actually tallying up her behaviour in your mind to see if shes a 'good' or 'bad' daughter? And you cant understand why she doesnt seem to want to be around you?

If I had written this post six months ago, it would have read as follows:
I have a wonderful daughter, so proud of her. She has a smashing boyfriend. I'm quick to compliment her on any achievements, call her regularly and make her feel welcome. We have lovely long natters and share the same warped sense of humour.

Tip, not at all, but as our relationship has deteriorated, it seems to me we are going one step forward and two steps back.

No, not just like that, she's incredibly unkind and doesn't believe a word I say. There are ways and ways of saying things.

BrandNewHouse
Sorry, but I had to laugh. If I said that to her, she'd hang up.

On another note, I think my iPad is going into melt down, it's taking ages for each message to come up or to be posted and I have to go to work soon, so I'm taking that as a subtle hint to buzz off.

Don't expect anything back just love your daughter
I would Echo this, however it does sound difficult for you I can see that you are stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I try to offer unconditional support for my adult children but generally speaking I think it's better that they use their energy to cultivate a support network outside of immediate family.
In order to develop as a person you need the skills to negotiate with people who aren't immediate family and who will expect you to pull your weight in a relationship rather than love you unconditionally.
I see my role as being a safety net, in order to grow in life you need to reach out beyond your parents

You are painting her as cold and unloving etc but your posts are also a list of all the things she’s done wrong and all the offence she’s caused you - buying the wrong present, not visiting you alone, not asking permission to invite her boyfriend to Christmas etc. From her perspective do you think you have perhaps always been quite critical? I can imagine she perhaps avoids calling you as she is worried she will be told what she’s done wrong this time or get the emotional ‘why don’t you call me enough’. It sounds like she has to appease you, keep you happy and meet your standards (eg calling you at least once a week) and as others have said that’s not good in any relationship let alone in a parent-child relationship.

I’m sorry if I have misinterpreted your posts in any way but that’s how the situation seems from what I have read.

You sound like my mum OP, creating drama in your head when there is none. She got you a present for your birthday, how lovely! Accept it and say thank you, don’t say “that’s not the size and style I asked for”.

I once wrote my mum a letter for Christmas as her present saying how my gift to her was going to make her so proud of me and graduate from university etc. (I was close to dropping out at the time), away from our family after opening her letter/present she berated me for not getting her a gift and said she was embarrassed and ashamed of me. I was a student working at McDonalds 2 days a week - I didn’t have money for elaborate gifts and I really thought I was giving her something from my heart. I still resent her for that and it was about 10 years ago.

Stop being needy. She’s an independent adult. When she wants to talk to you, she will, but she won’t want to talk to you if you’re creating drama all the time.

A few things are standing out here.

You say about ‘your’ new house. I wonder if she feels like you have pulled her safety net from under her feet but selling the family home. You clearly don’t consider the house you’re in now as a family property - it’s a risk for to move away and i would guess she was only brave enough because she knew she had a home to come back to if it went wrong?

Also, you must know the psychology of children who act out all their frustrations / aggression on the parent who they trust will not abandon them? Of course she blames you - she cant blame her dad because then she’d have to face the fact that he’s let her down and she doesn’t mean enough to him to keep him around.

I think you need to step back and think about how you want this relationship to work. Do you want to stay ‘in control’ as the mother? Or do you want it to be more like friends? Your relationship needs to grow but at the same time, you need to be mindful that she isn’t the same person she was a year or 2 ago.