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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship troubles after having a baby.

27 replies

Babyblues052 · 14/11/2017 15:43

Had our beautiful DS 13 weeks ago. Before having our son mines and dp relationship was brilliant. Lots of affection we got on well. Since having our DS things have been very strained, arguing over stupid things the intimacy isn't really there anymore. In the first 7 or so weeks I didn't even want a hug or kiss or really to be around dp, every single thing he was doing was irritating the hell out of me, I could see the affect my rejecting him and constantly being annoyed at him was having on him and I hated myself but I couldn't make it stop. After about.7 or so weeks i started to want to be around him and be affectionate as in i wanted cuddles and to kiss him but no where near what it used to be like. I'm starting only just want sex but again no where near as often could happily go without it tbh. I feel a bit heartless. I'm breastfeeding and I read that has an effect on your drive also. I know having a baby is a major change (ds is our first child) and we are trying to adjust to it but I really miss how things used to be but it's not the same no matter how much I wish it was I just don't feel the same, not that I don't love him but I just don't feel like I want to be as affectionate and I'm constantly tired ECT. Please tell me it's the strain of being new parents and things improve relationship wise? Anyone else been through this and things improve? I love him very much but right.now things are so strained that I think if it keeps going like this we will end up seperating.

OP posts:

Notsleptin2wholegoddamnyears · 14/11/2017 16:00

This could be my post!
I have no words of wisdom, my little one is 22 months now and I still don’t feel the same about my partner, although my change in feelings towards him changed when I was 3 months pregnant so it’s been going on quite a while! I despised him when I was pregnant, his smell, his breathing, his everything, this did go away a few weeks after baby was born, but intimacy/affection, no thanks!
I still don’t want to cuddle, kiss etc we do have sex but I hate it and only do it as there is so little intimacy we would just be housemates otherwise.
I am still breastfeeding so not sure if this has something to do with it.
I’m sure if things were good before the baby then it is probably just hormones, if you love each other and your partner is understanding then it’s just something you’ll have to work through but who am I to talk! Almost 2yrs and things are still shit for me!

TammySwansonTwo · 14/11/2017 16:08

Of course things improve. Right now your body is making sure that your main priority is your baby and making sure they are fed and cared for. Nature doesn't want you focussing on your partner, or getting pregnant again - the hormones are a great way of making sure that's the case. Took me about 5 months after I stopped pumping for my sex drive to come back at all, before that I couldn't stand to be touched or kissed. The utter exhaustion and feeling like a punctured inflatable didn't help.

TammySwansonTwo · 14/11/2017 16:09

notslept you really shouldn't have sex you hate having - it will only push you further apart and make you resent him. It will get better when your hormones settle, sadly for some women this is a result of bfing that's rarely mentioned!

User452734838 · 14/11/2017 16:13

Welcome to the parenting world! This is what it is all about!!!

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/11/2017 16:13

Things improve massively. But not for a long time in some cases. A wriggly toddler who won't be put down can make you feel all touched out as well.

Is DH fairly stoic about it? My DH was and it really helped. Had he sulked or whined, we wouldn't have got back to where we wanted to be.

InDubiousBattle · 14/11/2017 16:16

You are still in the very, very early days. Our dc are almost 4 and 2.5 and things with dp haven't returned to normal so to speak. Our normal has changed. We still love each other, have a laugh, even the occasional shag but things have absolutely changed and won't go back any time soon.

quirkychick · 14/11/2017 16:26

You are making the adjustment from a couple to parents, you just need to give it some time. I think we just accepted things would be hard to start with but not always so. Babies and small children can leave you all touched out and breastfeeding can lower your libido too - your body is feeding another human, so it's kind of busy. Having a newborn can be tough, less sleep, very busy days, but it won't always be like this.

Wolfiefan · 14/11/2017 16:28

It won't always be like this! The early weeks are really hard. It is the strain of being new parents. Try and find moments to be kind to each other or connect (sorry that's a vomit worthy way to put it but I can't think how else to word it!)

Original poster

Babyblues052 · 14/11/2017 16:29

I'm very glad things improve! Seems like it'll just take time. Just feels like a chore sometimes. Some days are better than others. My dp is very very understanding. Even with my moods being up and down we are very open and honest (thankfully that hasn't changed) and I'll tell him how I feel and we will talk about it and he understands. Pregnancy hormones and postnatal hormones suck!!! Who'd be a woman haha.

OP posts:

WhooooAmI24601 · 14/11/2017 16:32

Things absolutely can and do get better. Newborns (and at 13 weeks I'd say your baby is not far off being newborn) can be utterly exhausting and the irritability can be overwhelming when you're trying to focus on keeping that tiny human happy, clean, fed and warm.

You're not heartless, OP, you're simply exhausted. It's fine to admit it, and fine to admit that it's challenging. Have you talked to your DP about how you feel, about what you'd like him to do to ease the load?

Go easy on yourself. The changes your brain and body have been through are enormous, you're still recovering and you're still finding your feet. Your DP probably still feels the same way, but has no idea how to talk to you about it.

SandyY2K · 14/11/2017 16:34

A new baby puts a strain on thing... but my biggest issue was DH not doing enough to help.

I didn't recoil at his touch and I always loved cuddles.. didn't much geek like actual sex though...because I was constantly tired.

I can only imagine that reading done of these posts would put a lot of men off having a child though... and I've had husbands complain about it too.

SandyY2K · 14/11/2017 16:36

didn't much feel

TammySwansonTwo · 14/11/2017 16:40

Oh yes, the poor men eh? What sacrifices they have to make in order to have a child!

Give me a break. It's a temporary problem, and nothing compared to what women have to endure to have kids.

Notsleptin2wholegoddamnyears · 14/11/2017 18:03

I have sex as if I didn’t we wouldn’t have had sex in over 2yrs and we’ve only been together 3! I ended up pregnant very early in the relationship!

TammySwansonTwo · 14/11/2017 18:16

Still, speaking from personal experience, it's only going to make it more difficult for you to have sex you do enjoy together.

Greedynan · 14/11/2017 18:52

I want you to know that this is totally normal.

When people talk about parenting being difficult, this is the kind of stuff they're referring to. The sleep deprivation, the changing dynamics, the strain. It's hard work and a mahoosive adjustment. It definitely gets easier. It's important to try to carve little bits of time just you and DH if you can. Even half an hour here and there just to chat or relax or whatever.

Original poster

Babyblues052 · 14/11/2017 19:00

Yeah no one mentioned this bit when we discussed having a baby! I was really naive to the affect having a baby would have on our relationship. Hopefully things get better, seems like we just have to find out new normal and stop comparing it to the past.

OP posts:

Notsleptin2wholegoddamnyears · 14/11/2017 19:08

I totally get where your coming from with the sex situation tammyswanson, it’s just really difficult as I still have zero sex drive and it’s been almost 2yrs now.
I’ve totally hijacked this thread anyway so I’ll butt out now.
Don’t stress babyblues, your baby is the most important thing right now, everything else will work itself out.

GerrytheBerry · 14/11/2017 19:15

It's totally normal to feel like this and your partner needs to know it's normal and will get better. Yes breastfeeding definitely affects your sex drive too but it does come back!
I can't stand hearing women say I had my baby 3 weeks two, when can we have sex because I'm really dying for it! I just think, How?
It's hard with such a young baby to find alone time that's spare, by spare I mean time that you feel up to doing anything other than sleeping or just doing nothing. But it will come and when it does you can maybe have a nice takeaway together and a glass of wine and just see where it goes.

Greedynan · 14/11/2017 19:15

I know. I personally really struggled with the adjustment. It knocked me sideways. The joys of parenting... what joy? I was knackered, resentful and really anxious (I also had mild pnd). But you're right, you find a new 'normal' and it can be stronger than ever before because of what you go through together to make things work. Good luck!!

Original poster

Babyblues052 · 14/11/2017 19:20

I understand what you mean notselpt ill have sex with my dp when I don't particularly feel like I want to. Not that I don't want to either it's hard to explain just that I'm not totally against it like I am some days so I think meh why not. Bits its not like it used to be I used to want to rip his clothes off now I'd be happy if he kept them on.

OP posts:

quirkychick · 14/11/2017 20:21

I think before you have babies sex is very appealing, when you have a baby sleep is much more so! Be kind on yourself and your dp, try to connect with hugs, smiles, chat etc. whenever you can. I know after dc1, I felt emotionally and physically as if I'd been run over by a truck. My dcs are much older now and it definitely gets better. Your relationship changes when you are both parents as well, in a good way.

ivenoideawhatimdoing · 14/11/2017 20:36

OP, I could have written your post. DS was very poorly when he was born, the first three months were a blur and it was another three months until I actually wanted to resume my ‘relationship’. Speaking to a doctor about it recently she said I may have had a very mild case of depression and PND.

Be kind to yourself OP. Your body has gone through the biggest trauma of its life and your hormones are all over the place. You are doing OK, everyone reacts differently. Speaking to your doctor might not be the worst idea if you’re worried?

SandyY2K · 14/11/2017 22:08

ill have sex with my dp when I don't particularly feel like I want to. Not that I don't want to either it's hard to explain

I know what you mean. You don't feel like having sex .... but you want to want it.

Total lack of energy to even be bothered. A baby drains you.

I remember years ago going to an overnight work do of DHs and his colleagues wife (baby was about 6 months and staying with her mum) ... saying she was glad they had a twin room...she was looking forward to a good night's sleep...Her DH was at reception (going a bit frantic) trying to get a double room. We had a good laugh about it.

I felt much the same as she did...but didn't have a get out option.

Original poster

Babyblues052 · 15/11/2017 10:10

Yeah Sandy that's exactly it! I think I'm a bit resentful of him also which doesnt help

OP posts:

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