Why isn't he offering to go

[UterusHaver]

We are going to separate. We both know it.

But the fucker is still here. Why? He knows it's over, he's got somewhere to go to.

I can't sleep when he's here. I'm so disgusted with myself that I can't ask him to go.

I know we'll have to do something, it's not going to magically sort itself.

But I'm so pissed off all the time at the moment, he's still doing all the really annoying things that used to be tolerable but now really aren't. Tiny inconsequential things, that make me want to scream GROW THE FUCK UP.

And I know I'm avoiding the conflict too. But I'm getting organised, IRL and in my head. I know it's doable. I'm just scared of doing it

Ask I'd he's see anywhere suitable yet?

Or do you actually need to find a place for him ... as he's t too lazy?

We've got somewhere he can go. Think along the lines of basic holiday cottage/ static type thing. It's liveable, available.

I'm still putting his food in the fridge. Washing what's in the basket but not ironing his stuff. Stopped making packed lunches. I'm already the only one who cleans the kitchen, bathroom, washes up etc anyway.

I think you might be in for a bit of surprise, when the words are spoken, ' I want you to go ' he may well dig his his heels in deep....

Many husbands with their name only on the mortgage are often ' forced ' out during marital disputes. He may well see himself as the victim, so be prepared.

Sadly, the negative / shitty vibes you are giving out by your own admission, I'm guessing him, too, are being soaked up by the kids !!!!!

Not a nice thing for anyone 😞

There's nothing else I can withdraw without it being super petty really.

Next time he does one of the things that makes you want to scream, can you use that urge to blurt out 'we need to talk about living seperately'.

I don't mean scream it at him or anything, but just get it out there.

I don't want to be snarky, I want to maintain the moral high ground is the best way I can describe it I suppose

Like yesterday I bought coffee. I don't even drink coffee but the one in the kitchen ran out. I'm avoiding it. I know I am.

LastOne, that sounds like a wise plan. Not so terrifying.

I lived in the marital home with XH for 4 months after splitting it was awful so you've got my sympathy!! Urgh just had flashback

Omg you could be me. H has refused to go, in a thinks we'll get back together rather than a being a bastard way! As I result I moved out yesterday into a rented house. I couldn't have continued to live together, spent 3 weeks on the sofa...

Instead of thinking up coffee strategies, you need proper legal advice.

Didn't mean to come across as dismissive of what you are going through in terms of your feelings, OP. But it really helps you, even emotionally, to know where you stand and what your options are legally.

I've got legal advice arranged, so ok there. And some informal guidance from a friend in the trade. Really good local firm in a few days time.

It's more general support with the rest really.

OP, I get where you are coming from. I’d left my H in my head a very long time before I said anything about how I was feeling. It all spilled out in frustration one might - not the best way but at least I finally told him the truth. I was so scared or saying anything!

It may be that your H will be less surprised than mine but even if he isn’t, you may need to be prepared for him to dig is heels in. Seeing a solicitor etc as all good as it will help you plan and work out the steps that need to be taken.

I don't think he'll be surprised, not for a moment. I think he's avoiding The Conversation too.

I'm really assertive at work. I'm not with this. I hate not knowing how it's going to go. On one hand I'm expecting a row, and 'don't I think I'm overreacting' etc. Or it might be more of a grumpy ' I was waiting for you to say that '
Mostly I'm really sad that it's over. We've had 2 gorgeous children together, some fab times, it's been 15 years of my life. Not a fling.

He can not read your mind so you will need to communicate some how.

Being emotionally disconnected may make it possible for you to just not engage in the "inevitable" row. That is a choice: do not participate. The row is a verbal (hopefully) storm that is a verbal spanking so to speak. His reaction isn't about you at this point.

I found the best way was not to get into a he said she said type row, I just kept repeating that I wasn't happy and didn't want to be unhappy ongoing...good luck

you need to have the talk with him and is the "holiday home" really suitable?

Yes it's suitable, it was where he lived before he lived with me.

Focusing on the next steps sounds sensible rather than endless rehash of misdemeanours

He doesn't want to separate

I can't see an alternative

Guessing you’ve had the conversation then?