Would you end this relationship?

[Ladylimpet]

Hello.
Could be a long one, I'll try and be succinct.
Been with a lovely guy for around 10 months. We are great together, have amazing times etc. Everything you'd expect from a wonderful new relationship....but, there is one problem and I just don't know what to do? I'm really struggling to decide the way forward.
He's a sensitive guy and admits he thinks about stuff a lot. He has three kids which he dotes on. He only sees them once a week (he'd love to see them more). He actually has a court order to see them three times, but it just doesn't happen. Anyway, he's at the start of the process of taking it back to court.
He seems to deal with things quite well, but I know he really misses his kids. Sometimes he doesn't see them. The mother can occasionally drop it on him that he won't be seeing them that weekend as they have other things planned etc. And he won't find this out until he contacts her the day before. I can only imagine the disappointment.
So, anyway, the problem is this. A couple of times, he's shut me off and not spoken to me (or any of his family). This can continue for a few days. I was really upset the first time. So, we had a chat, he explained a few things and I understood. He is on antidepressants and suffers from anxiety.
I really try to understand. In the last three weeks this 'shutting me out' has happened three times. He says he just cuts contact with everyone, he's always had to deal with things on his own and this is how he deals with things. He's obviously suffering during this time.
I contacted his sister and she confirmed he does struggle sometimes and just shuts himself away.
I just get really upset (mainly for him). But I'm just left disappointed and confused.
I just wonder what others would do. I don't want to just abandon him and hope that if ever I suffered like this, he'd be there for me. It's just so difficult.
He seems very remorseful when he comes out of these black spells, and everything is ok again. He knows how it affects me.
I can't just dump him can I? Most of my friends say I should. I know I've only known him 10 months, but I really care about him.
He's in a bad spell at the moment.
Thanks

A man i was seeing used to do this too. For exactly the same reason, his ex with holding contact. He also used to block out other people, including his Mum and sister. He also turned off his phone. I could never understand it as pp says what if there was an emergency. I broke my heart over him feeling sorry for his tortured soul then he did it again. I realised as painful as it is he wasn't being a responsible parent. His kids may have needed him. I suffer from depression and may at times avoid contact with people but i couldn't turn phone off due to my dc's. If he can't be there for them that he dotes in how can he ever fully be there for you. Is he also near 40's?

Something is off here. I remember your other thread too. I think you’re selling yourself way short with this man.

Everything is about his needs, his behaviour, his kids, his depression etc. This is your life too.

There’s something missing though. In my decades on this planet, I think it’s very rare for a woman with youngish children to cheat on her partner unless there is something hugely wrong. Women don’t wake up and sabotage an adequate relationship and disrupt their kids’ lives unless they really have to. So there must have been some other reason things went adrift.

I also am sceptical about his not seeing the kids as often as he “should” - again how many mothers of 3 kids would actively prevent that, if their ex was a great bloke? Doesn’t make sense.

Proceed with caution or dump.

Asking about homework to feel more involved because he only sees them once a week?

Hmmmm, I'm just seeing the other side of that!

What is the best way to feel involved?

• question mum why they haven't done it (provoking defensive response and not engaging the child)
• just ask the child what they're working on, if they want help

In fact, it's made me laugh because I remember my XH texting me when I was working away asking if our child had done her homework. I wanted to text "it's done, just like every single homework has been done for the last 3 years, every single time supervised by me"

Yes, you are right worried, in the sense that at the moment it is all about his wants/needs. I really have to think carefully about it all.
As for the affair comment, I'm sure there are lots of women who cheat for a variety of reasons, as do men. And if it was a shit relationship, or if he treated her badly, surely the nicest thing to do is to end the relationship? Not go starting another?
All I know, is, she cheated. He found proof, relationship ended. He said he was quite happy up to that point.

You sound nice elissandra! I'm sorry you married a douchebag!
I know why you're questioning things..
But, the way he said it, he was genuinely concerned. There may have been a touch of provocation. As that was the day he was meant to be seeing them.
Court order is for two week nights and one weekend day. That was all sorted when they split. But yes, school activities etc and general life means things can be difficult to stick to. He gets that. It's just been the one weekend day for ages now. But he gets upset that his only day is messed around with.
He's not come on nights out with me the night before he has them, as he doesn't want to be tired/hungover. (Fine with me btw!).
It's just one day.... Im with him on that one. Why it's so difficult to stick to, is beyond me.

As long as it suits his children, if I were him I'd go for 3 consecutive days a week. Sunday morning to Wed school drop off, that sort of thing. That way, there's only one time per week when the contact is at risk of disruption. Once they're with him, they're with him. I think it's easier for some kids too, less to and fro.

After school activities and play dates are important too - and he has to accept that his Monday night might not be quality time all evening with all three, but a bit of running to gymnastics and cubs!

I have some sympathy for her over the one day at the weekend - and for him. Sometimes, you just want to take the kids away. I'd hate one weekend day, would much prefer alternate full weekends (actually I have more than that which suits me!)

But for a 3 day contact, I'd propose something like Sat-Tue alternating with Mon-Tue.

I really do suspect he was out of order or at least very silly with the homework comment though!

It doesn't feel right to me either.Its really unusual for a woman to "apeshit" over an innocent comment unless she has mental health issues.

The more likely scenario is he has past behaviour which means she is wary of him.
I don't know how old the children are but that schedule feels unworkable and suggests quite a compromise made by a judge to get agreement.
If contact is not working you tend to follow up with a solicitors letter. Court will be the last resort so to start the process, the effort is minimal.
Having been taken in my my stbxh I would suggest you need to be highly cynical.

Has he had a conversation with his ex? Told her how this makes him feel?

Despite what the MRAs would have us believe, there are actually very few women who would deprive their children of a relationship with their dad.

And, as there is a contact order in place, the law is on his side in this case.

His reaction just doesn't make sense in this situation.

10 months in Or 10 years in, I’d end this. Sounds like hard work

It's a lot of angst, isn't it? Sometimes the struggle for something makes it seem like it must be worth it. But ain't necessarily so.

If he's closing off from you and not speaking to you, that sounds suspiciously like he's giving you the silent treatment--which is abusive.

I would be very careful if I were you. Especially when you consider the lack of contact he has with his children. Something's not right there.

You haven't known him for long at all, and I know him not one jot. But my immediate thought on reading your OP was that he obviously has form for going underground when he has problems - that is his M.O. Which means even if he solved the problem of contact with the kids, inevitably another life problem would come around which he would use as the next hook to hang the silent ignoring behaviour on. Because whose life is problem free? Bereavement, job stress, money worries...they all happen.
And so it would go on and on, with excuses of 'he is great most of the time, just except for this one thing that is getting to him'.

You sound very sensible and caring. It sounds like it could become all about him though if you are too caring and problem-solving, don't get sucked into his vortex.

Men often deal with their feelings by withdrawing whereas women like to talk and share

This framed as some people deal with their feeling by withdrawing, while others like to talk and share makes a lot of sense to me. Some of my closest friends are the kind, who sometimes need to withdraw type and i can respect that. I would not be happy, to be in a serious relationship with someone who does this. Its important to me, to stay in touch, to work through things together.

The other thing about all the angst, is that from what you read, you are doing all the giving, the accommodating. Does he acknowledge that, or does he take it as his due? Not suggesting it could be any other way at the moment, but you know the threads on here which are read by strangers, only thinking however did it get like that. And if you want children, and he doesn't want any more, when is it ever going to be your 'turn' to be accommodated?

I had a serious relationship, where it slowly became clear that it was never going to be my 'turn'. I left and only ever wishes that i had left sooner, to fund someone more evenly accommodating. I did wonder whether i should have handled that first relationship differently, but mostly i wish that i had got out much, much sooner.

I can sympathise with his anxiety and depression but stonewalling is and can be deeply upsetting for those he does it to amd can be used to control peoples behavior, and if he knows this affects you then he should do the decent thing and communicate his feelings/if he needs some space before hand.

It isn't healthy for you or him.

It's a red flag from me op. Imagine living with being ignored/shut out for days if this is how he deals with his emotions.

Thanks everyone. You are all so right. The stonewalling is upsetting. If only he'd just communicate!
I think I've done my best to accommodate him and his needs. I just slot right back into his life.
I think a mega discussion needs to be had when he feels ok again to lay it on the line (not actually done this to any degree).
I just need to figure out exactly what to say (not very good at this!). But im going to have to.
Then stick to my guns and not keep putting up with it!
I have to. For my sake. I know it's not fair... I also know he's ill. But ill or not. You don't keep treating people like that.
Thanks for the advice.