Would you end this relationship?

[Ladylimpet]

Hello.
Could be a long one, I'll try and be succinct.
Been with a lovely guy for around 10 months. We are great together, have amazing times etc. Everything you'd expect from a wonderful new relationship....but, there is one problem and I just don't know what to do? I'm really struggling to decide the way forward.
He's a sensitive guy and admits he thinks about stuff a lot. He has three kids which he dotes on. He only sees them once a week (he'd love to see them more). He actually has a court order to see them three times, but it just doesn't happen. Anyway, he's at the start of the process of taking it back to court.
He seems to deal with things quite well, but I know he really misses his kids. Sometimes he doesn't see them. The mother can occasionally drop it on him that he won't be seeing them that weekend as they have other things planned etc. And he won't find this out until he contacts her the day before. I can only imagine the disappointment.
So, anyway, the problem is this. A couple of times, he's shut me off and not spoken to me (or any of his family). This can continue for a few days. I was really upset the first time. So, we had a chat, he explained a few things and I understood. He is on antidepressants and suffers from anxiety.
I really try to understand. In the last three weeks this 'shutting me out' has happened three times. He says he just cuts contact with everyone, he's always had to deal with things on his own and this is how he deals with things. He's obviously suffering during this time.
I contacted his sister and she confirmed he does struggle sometimes and just shuts himself away.
I just get really upset (mainly for him). But I'm just left disappointed and confused.
I just wonder what others would do. I don't want to just abandon him and hope that if ever I suffered like this, he'd be there for me. It's just so difficult.
He seems very remorseful when he comes out of these black spells, and everything is ok again. He knows how it affects me.
I can't just dump him can I? Most of my friends say I should. I know I've only known him 10 months, but I really care about him.
He's in a bad spell at the moment.
Thanks

I have had depression and PTSD. I too withdraw to cope. It’s knowing that one more thing will break you so you temporarily shrink your world to reduce the risk of that happening. Plus an awareness that I’m very down and not wanting to upset those around me.

It has nothing to do with sulking or any of the other usual negatives that get posted on Mumsnet and no doubt that your thread will attract.

Luckily my DH gives the space I need to do what I need to. He understands fully and doesn’t see it as a reflection of my feeling for him, or as game playing in my part.

He's close to both.
Yet he's always had to deal with things on his own.

I think you mean then that he has chosen to deal with things on his own. Which is his choice - but he needs to find a way that doesn't mean also cutting you out and making you feel like this.

And I'll be honest - I have a massive pinch of salt that I keep for men who say or imply that they "pretty much shafted". Because I know quite a few divorced women, and know if many more, and very tenuously have noted many more again on here. I've only come across one who has shafted their XH (in my eyes) and that is only financially. The courts actually aren't in the business of shafting women. And if we take it to the financial level (which is what people usually mean by shafting) then the statistics bear out that long term, women do worse than men financially after divorce. So yeah - huge pinch of salt.

Be careful he's not a wallow and blame everyone else type - my father is like this, and my brother. Diagnosed depressives and nothing is ever their fault.

Thanks everyone. And joysmum that is exactly what its like. Thanks for your side.
He turns off his phone etc. I do try my best to understand. I've just never had experience of mental illnesses at all.

I don't understand why after years of it working well, he phones to confirm his contact.

Is it a flexible schedule?

If there are 3 kids and it's been over years, then she must be tied to school terms so in one location a lot of the week.

How did it get to the position that he was ever calling to confirm? That does suggest some potential flakiness. Because it should be set without needing confirmation.

If she's nice and just doesn't realise the effect on him, how come it's going to court and a chat / mediation / solicitor letter hasn't sorted it before court?

Something doesn't add up.

I'm not saying it's his fault, but please keep in mind that it's only been 10 months and you want know him well - because he shuts you out!

I find it strange that someone so affected by not seeing his kids, with a nice XW, hasn't sorted it out before court.

I would run a mile. His mental health doesn't trump your happiness. If him withdrawing is his way of coping and it makes you unhappy you are not compatible. It doesn't seem like he'll change and doesn't sound like he wants to as it's his way of coping with life.

Lady without going into details, i am well acquainted with withdrawals and shutdowns with my boyfriend.

It's not that I'm impatient or lack understanding, but i agree with Ellisandra that something doesn't quite add up.

I don't have a lot of time for men who manipulate women in this way.

He calls just to make sure they are in, and just to make sure it's going ahead. Which sometimes it isn't. He just used to turn up. This just resulted in wasted journeys or a show down.
You are right though. I have to keep in mind this could have stemmed from anything happening I don't know about.
I just have to take things at face value. Because believe me, I've questioned things too!

I don't understand why after years of it working well, he phones to confirm his contact.

^this

If she's nice and just doesn't realise the effect on him, how come it's going to court and a chat / mediation / solicitor letter hasn't sorted it before court?

^and this

I find it strange that someone so affected by not seeing his kids, with a nice XW, hasn't sorted it out before court.

^and this.

I see you've said you posted with another username about you struggling with him not wanting more kids.

This is possibly a bit out of order of me, as you probably worked through what you needed to on that thread. So apologies if this isn't helpful, but... if you even think you might want kids and he doesn't, then please please please walk away now!

What is "the start of the process of taking it back to court"?

Where I work, when someone says they're at the start of the process, it's usually someone who has done nothing and is covering for that.

2 years of wasted journeys, calling and being told no, and show downs - despite a court order - and he's only now "at the start of the process".

Depression can make it hard to act. I know I'm being very cynical about him. But... I'm just seeing holes. And as I said, I'm biased against anyone who claims to have been "shafted" because I just haven't (albeit anecdotally) seen courts doing that.

Sorry, I only said she's nice as to not bad mouth her. I don't know her. Bf doesn't really say anything bad about her and said she's the kids mum etc.
I just meant she's not overtly nasty. Which is different, so I do apologise. From just reading between the lines she's just on a different planet. I'm not really going to slag her off either.
I did ask him if he's tried to sit down and talk to her.he said yes. Everything's ok for a while, then the being messed around just resumes.
I know he doesn't want to upset the kids. Hence the holding off going to court again for breach of order. I said he has to! He agrees though, that there's no way forward but to do that now.
I know there could be much I don't know! But I have to trust him. Otherwise what's the point? Doesn't mean I'm not wary...hence all my questions to him.
I know there are a lot of bad guys out there who are a holes. But, I've known some shocking manipulative behaviour by women when it comes down to kids and access.

But you also confirm his sister says he gets like this... which sounds like a longer term issue.

That timing might all fit together. But my eyebrow raised. I think you should be open to the possibility that this isn't a temporary reaction but a more swap seated way of behaving.

^^ this.

There must have been other things in his life that have been stressful, how has he dealt with them? Has his reaction been to shut down completely? It sounds from what his sister said that this is what he does and makes more sense too - usually people revert to their known coping strategies when most stressed, not change them.

I think you need to know if this is honestly a new thing or a lifelong habit.

Is he seeking alternative coping stratergies?

Imagine living together and him doing this, it would be like 'the silent treatment' and you would be constantly walking on eggshells. Imagine if something is a bit stressful and you end up reluctant to discuss it further incase he 'shuts down'.

Are you certain he's never 'shut down' infront if his kids?

It seems really strange that his ex withdrew contact for absolutely no reason. There are always two sides to every story. You mention that she didn't like it when he 'questioned things'. Maybe find out how often he was doing this, what sort of things was he 'questioning' it may give you an idea.
Although you shouldn't have to be doing all this 10 months into a relationship, it sounds like really hard work which it shouldn't be this early on.

I think it's very telling your friends have advised you to dump him. Have they met him?

I think he meant shafted in the sense of him being cheated on etc. Shafted out of a life with his kids which he wanted.
I'm of a cynical nature too. I've picked apart his story.
But I think when he's so down, he just thinks 'whats the point?". I don't know. Then, when hes more positive, he'll start to think about doing things.
Sorry, if I wasn't clear... It's not always like this. He's absolutely fine when he gets to see them when he should. But everything starts to unravel when things are changed (always last minute). Seems to go in cycles.

Well it's up to you ultimately, but you did ask in your title "would you end this relationship?"

And I would.

Yes, they've met him.
He'd ask why homework hasn't been done when it's 9pm on a Sunday. Just normal dad things to ask I think? She doesnt like it.
Yes, you are right. I hadn't thought about the fact he could have always been like this.
Anyway, things to think about that's for sure!

Thanks for your advice Mohawk.

Also, if he's that devastated at not seeing his kids that he can't talk to anyone which he says is solely down to not seeing them and this is an unusual reaction for him WHY has it left it 2 YEARS without fighting to see them?

Also, if his phone is off for days, what about if his kids want to ring/FaceTime him? Or there is an emergency,one of them ends up in hospital or something? Doesn't really add up as the 'devastated doting dad'. More like he is just pissed off at the situation not going his way and this is the only way he knows how to deal with it.

Something just doesn't add up, you say you've picked his story apart - your instincts are obviously telling you something isn't right with what he's telling you.

You do sound like you have a sensible and measured head on your shoulders and I'll back off because I know I'm pushing quite a negative picture and I may be wrong (I hope so!)

Can I say one last thing though?! Sometimes sensible and measured people give other people too many chances. (Been there, done it!) We are logical ourselves, thinkers/over thinkers so we look for the possible explanation, try to do the right thing... when actually, sometimes we miss the trick of a more emotional "fuck this! " outburst.

If you give him a chance, that's kind of you. But make sure you see something back from him - like therapy and a demonstrable attempt to use what he learns. NHS waiting list? It'll be ages, a short series, and possible not an approach or therapist that suits him. Your relationship should be worth him paying private for. If he's properly skint, has he even lifted a book?

Joysmum posted about her own PTSD earlier - but I think I'm writing in saying she has taken time to understand it and explain it to her husband. All you've had so far is remorse after the fact, and so shut out you've even had to ask his sister!

Good luck

And PS... if you want kids and he doesn't, run run run!!!!

If he saw them at the weekend, was he doing homework with them?

Or was all that side of thing - washing/ironing uniforms; packed lunches; homework all left to her?

My exh comes out with stuff like that but he only sees them once a week. I just say that if he'd like to get involved more then he's always welcome to take on the responsibility... that soon shuts him up but it is irritating to have my parenting criticised when i'm the only one doing any!

Thanks elissandra.
Yes, I asked on here about the whole kids thing. And got some good advice.
I'm 40 next year. I've not wanted kids up to now, so I had to base my decision on that. Whether it works out with this guy, I don't know.
But im quite positive I won't have/want kids.

I'd love to know the homework comment context!

My XH doesn't do any of the 'boring' parenting. I would be shouting fuck off in my head if he started asking me why homework wasn't done!

If she didn't supervise it, he could have picked it up on his 3 contacts. If she usually does, if it were me I'd be very irritated by my XH questioning me!

Why would she go 'apeshit' though at just normal dad things to ask, assuming he asking them in a nice, normal way?

I would find out if he's always done this and unless he is actively seeking a way to change and wants to change, I don't think I would want to spend the next 2/5/10 whatever years being subjected to being completely shut out like this, not knowing when it was going to happen, etc. Only you can decide what you are willing to put up with though.

He was asking about homework to feel more involved I think..
He only sees them once a week.
He said he'd have them permanently if he could! I definitely believe that.

I think he's just so weary of it. I have said to him though. That if it means that much to him...do something about it!!! And then it all settles down for a bit! Then he's happy to not rock the boat.
Anyway, you've all certainly made me think. Especially the fact, that he could have been depressed anyway which has lead to all this?! Christ only knows.

He doesn't say anything now. He just leaves it.

Totally not what you've asked, but...

For when he goes back to court (via mediation?) about contact...

It occurs to me that 3x a week means that it's almost every other day, surely? That's a lot of quick turn around for kids and potentially unsettling. Also - it's pissibly a lot of doorstep contact between him and his XW. I don't like my XH. He cheated quite extensively and tried to steal money from me. And lied about me. Even 6 years on, I don't like him on my doorstep. I'm pretty disengaged, I don't hate him - but I just prefer not to see him. So seeing him 3 (6?) times a week would piss me off. But mostly - I think it could be unsettling for kids. It made me wonder whether part of the problem with access was an unworkable schedule? Still not an excuse to block access, but might be worth thinking about.

More reading between lines if he had to confirm or had wasted journeys, doesn't sound like he was doing nursery/school pick ups. If so, was he getting an "unfair" amount of weekend time, to make up his 3 contacts? That can lead to tension, and the difficulty of wanting to fit in visiting her mum, if she's not getting much of the leisure time. Again - the way to deal with that is to talk to him, but I'm throwing out possible reasons!