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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married 18 months, we are already in counselling, what would you do if....

69 replies

pieceofpietuesday · 12/11/2017 21:41

no dc. will this get better? he says he's not in love with me, but still loves me. we argue all the time. rarely have sex.

i want it to work - my family are christian as am i and i dont want to end the marriage for that reason, but i am aware we cant go on like this. he says he wants to work at it too hence counselling (it was my suggestion).

ive suspected him of an affair, he says no. i believe him but obviously have doubts now and then to have to ask. truth be told i dont think his heart is in it.

not sure how it got to this stage. we were happy before we got married but he now says he had doubts even before then because things were stressful leading up to it and to be fair things did shift a bit, we weren't really 'us' - it was just all wedding wedding wedding.

we do have nice times, but it is all they are - we dont chat properly and laugh, i dont particularly look forward to seeing him. he works a lot, never really seems in a rush to come home ever. that said, we both feel embarrassed about the situation, which is why we have tried counselling. i do still love him, but it doesnt change all the above.

any stories of recovery? would you stay or go?

OP posts:
Worriedobsessive · 12/11/2017 21:42

Go to counselling, give it a go or use it to make a good ending. This is your one life.

Original poster
pieceofpietuesday · 12/11/2017 21:45

we are doing the counselling. only had 4 sessions, so far nothing has changed between us in terms of the emotional distance.

OP posts:
Sunshinegirl82 · 12/11/2017 21:47

Sorry you find yourself in this position OP, it sounds rough.

It seems as though you are both going through the motions because you're concerned about being judged by others. If you both knew you could walk away and there would be no shock or comments from anyone else what do you think you'd both do? What would you choose to do?

Puddlet · 12/11/2017 21:48

It might be worth trying one of these weekends. I think they might suggest Engaged Encounter of you've been married less than two years. They have a Christian basid but the main emphasis is on the couple having time to talk together. There's no group work. www.marriageencounter.org.uk/index.php

Lovemenoooooww · 12/11/2017 21:49

He’s not in love with you. He really shouldn’t have led you on and married you in the first place.

It won’t work out. Too much has gone wrong and too early on in the marriage. It would be fixable if he were in love with you.

Original poster
pieceofpietuesday · 12/11/2017 21:51

i think i would want to stay, i feel a bit guilty as i know i have leaned on DH due to mental health problems, but then i figure that's the point of marriage, to work through that together, and if he falls out of love with me because of that then hes not all that great? its confusing.

all i know is the relationship is currently shit and it doesnt seem to be getting better, and you are right that we are definitely going through the motions...for instance the thought of telling my parents fills me with dread.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 12/11/2017 21:51

I was reading about the biggest factor in marriage failure being unmet expectations. Perhaps something to talk over - what expectations did each of you have of marriage?

Original poster
pieceofpietuesday · 12/11/2017 21:51

from his perspective... im not sure he would stay if i am honest. hes opening said hes not 'IN love', but loves me

OP posts:
Original poster
pieceofpietuesday · 12/11/2017 21:53

*openly said!

OP posts:
thegirlupnorth · 12/11/2017 21:56

Walk away now

If your family judge ask them if they really want their daughter to stay married to a man who is not in le with her and who makes her unhappy. You're living a half life. Get out now.

Haffdonga · 12/11/2017 22:00

my family are christian as am i and i dont want to end the marriage for that reason

Not because you love him? Not because he is your soulmate? Not because he is the one person in the world you want to and share your life grow old with?

Sorry but what your family believes is the very worst reason for not ending a marriage.

Original poster
pieceofpietuesday · 12/11/2017 22:00

thanks for the posts everyone.

does anyone think this is likely to get better given that we are only 18 months in? we were together 3 years before wedding, but a year of that was all wedding planning when it started feeling different (for him).

OP posts:
Original poster
pieceofpietuesday · 12/11/2017 22:01

Haffdonga, it is not just because of being a christian. i do love him and i want it to work. it is just not good and hasnt been for so long...

OP posts:
Misslemon01 · 12/11/2017 22:05

I think it can get better, and you should give it time. Your relationship with your partner ebbs and flows, like any relationship, and sometimes things are excellent and sometimes a bit rubbish or meh. Give the counselling a proper go, and see how you feel in a few months time. The love can definitely come back. Good luck!

ladybirdladybug · 12/11/2017 22:08

I think it's almost certain to get worse.

He's said he's not in love with you. Stop selling yourself short. Find your dignity and walk away.

In fact, you should be angry for him marrying you with doubts. He shouldn't have put you in this position.

NoMudNoLotus · 12/11/2017 22:08

Hes having an affair. Or has had.

Believe me your story rings too true to my own life and at the time he kept saying hed not had an affair he had .

ladybirdladybug · 12/11/2017 22:08

What makes you think he's been unfaithful?

Original poster
pieceofpietuesday · 12/11/2017 22:09

hes said he loves me but hes not in love with me.

nomud - i have had suspicions. how did you find out?

OP posts:
Original poster
pieceofpietuesday · 12/11/2017 22:10

i had suspicions because he is often late home, always nipping to the office and he just isnt interested in me. just a feeling i suppose, but cant prove it.

OP posts:
WhooooAmI24601 · 12/11/2017 22:10

I don't think there's any "likely". If you both commit to making it work, to putting your marriage first and finding 'you' again, it's possible you can hold things together. As Miss wisely says, there are always ebbs and flows in a marriage or relationship.

But both of you have to be in it entirely. One person simply cannot hold together a marriage, and that's a hard thing to go through when you're the person putting in more of the time, energy, effort and kindness than the other person. Make sure he's not taking more from you than he's giving to you.

ladybirdladybug · 12/11/2017 22:12

hes said he loves me but hes not in love with me

This usually means the relationship is over IMO.

Unless you've been together decades and have fallen into companionship and - crucially - you are both happy with that, this is not OK.

NoMudNoLotus · 12/11/2017 22:13

Like you pie my gut.

But it took years for him to admit to it. Denying it means nothing . If hes not happy , and your not , he wont stop being unfaithful.

I wish i had listened to my gut.

NoMudNoLotus · 12/11/2017 22:15

He only admitted it after i ended up seeing a random text on his phone . Up till then he denied it completely .

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 12/11/2017 22:16

hes said he loves me but hes not in love with me.

That means that it’s finished. I’m sorry Flowers don’t waste years trying to flog a dead horse; move on now. At least he’s told you.

ladybirdladybug · 12/11/2017 22:17

there are always ebbs and flows in a marriage or relationship.

This isn't ebbs and flows - they've only been married 18 months and he says he's not in love with her. She suspects him of cheating. He had doubts before they even got married, but he didn't share them with her.

The OP doesn't need to put up with this.

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