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Original poster

Married 18 months, we are already in counselling, what would you do if....

69 replies

pieceofpietuesday · 12/11/2017 21:41

no dc. will this get better? he says he's not in love with me, but still loves me. we argue all the time. rarely have sex.

i want it to work - my family are christian as am i and i dont want to end the marriage for that reason, but i am aware we cant go on like this. he says he wants to work at it too hence counselling (it was my suggestion).

ive suspected him of an affair, he says no. i believe him but obviously have doubts now and then to have to ask. truth be told i dont think his heart is in it.

not sure how it got to this stage. we were happy before we got married but he now says he had doubts even before then because things were stressful leading up to it and to be fair things did shift a bit, we weren't really 'us' - it was just all wedding wedding wedding.

we do have nice times, but it is all they are - we dont chat properly and laugh, i dont particularly look forward to seeing him. he works a lot, never really seems in a rush to come home ever. that said, we both feel embarrassed about the situation, which is why we have tried counselling. i do still love him, but it doesnt change all the above.

any stories of recovery? would you stay or go?

OP posts:
Original poster
pieceofpietuesday · 12/11/2017 22:18

hes said hes not in love with me yet he is going to the counselling and says he wants to make it work. he will say he loves me when he goes to work etc. i dont know. its just a bit shit, not how i think it should be 18 months in!

OP posts:
ElizaDontlittle · 12/11/2017 22:19

Hi OP,
Sadly I relate to some of your story. Am a Christian but had a tiny wedding with 2 witnesses as I hate a fuss and no parents around so at least I didn't have that issue.
I tried to stick it out and at 3 years he did have an affair which I found evidence of. And then I made the break I should perhaps have had the confidence to make before.

I'd say a few things:

There is no hierarchy of sin (ie. as you'll probably know divorce is not worse than envy, or idolatry- and how guilty are we all of being too attached to our belongings!). Getting this into my heart really helped. It will also help if your parents are unable to be supportive at first.

Choose wise Christian counsel from church - but do choose it and urgently and do remember you don't owe them (or anyone) to do as they say.

Be courageous - in the small things so bring up in the counselling that things are no better and that how can that change with a man who's not in love with you?! And in the big things - he might not be brave enough - so be prepared to say this is it now.

Feel free to PM if you feel it would help.

KeepItAsItIs · 12/11/2017 22:20

He doesn't love you OP, sorry but there is nothing to save. You haven't been married long so I expect you are youngish? Time to cut your losses and start again.

Misslemon01 · 12/11/2017 22:22

I’d see it as more 5 years in (including pre-marriage years), as that’s the length of the whole relationship. 5 years can generate some ups and downs.

A friend’s partner told her he wasn’t ‘in love with her’ but loved her ages ago and I remember thinking this wasn’t good. But they’ve worked things out and he is so good to her now. Sometimes people say things without considering how hurtful it might be to someone else.

I’m not making excuses for the husband of course, and I am really sympathetic to how horrible this must be for the OP. I feel like most people on the thread are saying leave him, and wanted to offer an alternative perspective, particularly as the OP says she still loves him.

ohtheholidays · 12/11/2017 22:23

18 months in isn't that long,do you know why things started getting like this between you?

For instance you say you don't have much of a sex life is that because of him,you or both of you?

I'm a Christian and so were my parents and they hated the thought of divorce so I stayed in a very unhappy marriage for 7 years.
Honestly I get how terrifying the thought of telling your parents that the marriage isn't working is but I'm so glad I found the courage,it's a shame I hadn't found it sooner but for me it all worked out in the end and I'd had 2 sons with my ex Husband.

You can only make this marriage work if you both want the same things and you both equally want to be in this marriage but it has to be for yourselves not for anyone else.

At the end of the day as far as we know we only get one shot at this life,so don't throw away years of yours because your scared of what other people will think or because of a fear of the unknown. Flowers

Original poster
pieceofpietuesday · 12/11/2017 22:23

misslemon - how long were your friends together when that happened?

OP posts:
Misslemon01 · 12/11/2017 22:27

@pieceofpietuesday about a year. That was a couple of years ago now and they’re just fine

BoomBoomsCousin · 12/11/2017 22:30

What does he mean by "make it work"? What does that look like to him? How invested is he in the counselling and in trying to work out how to make things"work"?

When I was younger I would have said you should give it some time and see if the counselling works. But with more years under my belt I would say that someone telling you they aren't in love with you at 18 months in is a very big red flag. My gut reaction is: cut your losses because from what you're writing there's no obvious path to a great relationship from where you are.

Giraffey1 · 12/11/2017 22:30

Oh, OP, that must be so hard for you. I think going through the counselling is good, but I think you may need to be prepared to accept that the relationship may not work longer term. As previous posters have wisely said, there is no hierarchy of sin here. You try your best, but if it doesn’t work, you don’t get bonus points for sticky with something that isn’t working and makes you both unhappy.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 12/11/2017 22:32

Honestly, end it.move on,meet a man who’ll fall in love with you.dont waste time on this
I don’t mean to be blunt,but says he’s not in love with you. Don’t waste years trying to repair
Split up,date and meet someone to have a family with. Have some joy and happiness

ladybirdladybug · 12/11/2017 22:36

That was a couple of years ago now and they’re just fine

For one, you're not inside that relationship, you're looking at it from the outside. You have no idea what it's like to be in it. What people present to the outside world - even their good friends - can be very different to what's going on inside their heads.

Also, it's only a couple of years on. Come back in 5, 10, 15 years and ask them then. Right now, they may be still limping on, trying to put a brave face on and make the best of it but 5 years or whatever who's to say they won't realise they was flogging a dead horse?

lalliella · 12/11/2017 22:37

Friends of mine had this issue many years ago, they worked through it and are really happy now. Don’t give up on it too easily, give it a go. Don’t assume he’s having an affair, it isn’t always the case, not all men are the same. Maybe get away from day-to-day pressures and have a holiday? Spend a bit of quality time together. Good luck.

HermionesRightHook · 12/11/2017 22:38

I am extremely not fond of divorce, but I'm sure no one is. It's horrible. But it is ok. If that's what needs to happen.

And him saying that he loves you but isn't in love is not encouraging. FWIW, I would carry on with the counselling with him, but also do what you're doing with us - canvas a wide range of opinions as you are sensibly able to (as in, don't go bitching to his sister or mum about him, but do confide in friends you can trust and come here). But don't take anyone's opinion as gospel, use it as fuel for your own thinking. And I would seriously consider counselling on your own with a neutral party - not the same therapist as you share with your husband, and not anyone from your church or even your faith. A really neutral counsellor would be helpful for you here, who can hear you and reflect your concerns back at you rather than guiding you one way or another.

StefMay · 12/11/2017 22:56

What are things you did together that you enjoyed and had fun doing?
Try doing them again.

Have a week away together abroad - sometimes just being away from other stresses can enable you to have more open/free conversations.

A lot of couples make their decision about their futures whilst away from their normal daily routines.

Whatever happens, sometimes relationships work and sometimes they don't for many reasons in your control or out of your control.

Life is too short to be unhappy.

Sancerresanwine · 12/11/2017 22:57

Run for the hills. It's your life, it's supremely precious, why waste it being unloved? Get out while you still can, honestly.

EthelMerman · 12/11/2017 23:19

Could you try going on dates again? Use those dates to rediscover the spark that drew you together and build on that. Do things as a couple and separately so you're not utterly reliant on each other.

If you feel it's wrong to give up on your marriage, do it for yourself and your husband not because of what your respective parents might think. Staying because of other people's opinions will not help in the long term.

Weddings are stressful things when they should be celebrations, but people put so much pressure on themselves to have the perfect day, when really, it's one day at the beginning of a (hopefully) long marriage.

Lunde · 13/11/2017 11:20

Sorry - but I think it is over!

He is saying that he is not in love with you and you suspect he is having an affair and is leaving the house at odd times. It sounds as though he is not prepared to make the effort to make it work.

I went through this with my exh. Counselling was a con. He used it so that he could say that he had "even tried counselling" - but the truth was that he did not engage with the counselling and was having an affair with someone at the office. He had planned his 2nd wedding before we were even divorced!

peachgreen · 13/11/2017 11:54

Counselling works when you're in love and committed to each other but have other issues that need to be worked out. It can't make someone fall in love with someone. To be honest, given you don't look forward to seeing him etc, it doesn't really sound like you are in love with him, either... You both deserve more.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/11/2017 12:43

we dont chat properly and laugh, i dont particularly look forward to seeing him

It doesn't sound like either or you are particularly invested in the relationship to be honest.

I think you'd probably be happier if you split and met other people.

Offred · 13/11/2017 12:55

I agree re him saying he wants to ‘make it work’.

For both of you though you need to tease out what it ‘working’ actually looks like and decide whether it is possible to achieve both of your expectations.

If he is having an affair though this would just be skirting around the actual issue.

5BlueHydrangea · 13/11/2017 13:49

I think it's a bit early to give up. Similarly to the marriage weekend mentioned before, my dh and I did a marriage course a couple of years ago and it helped things. Lots of looking at different areas of your life, what you both think about things - small and large aspects of life, money, sex, kids, housework, parents, all sorts really. There is a good workbook that you go through in pairs which I do look back on sometimes.
A relationship takes work to keep it good. You sound as though you want it to work. Have some time away, a weekend, a week whatever. Focus on each other and having relaxing quality time without work/house etc in the way. It may help you define your feelings for each other better.

You can buy the workbooks online but I would recommend the course. Where we did it we had a meal, then it was a video then individually talking about the issue of the week with the workbook. A friend of mine has done it recently and her and her dh originally split for a while but are now trying again.

TheFaerieQueene · 13/11/2017 14:05

Do you want children in the future? If so, do you think children with your husband would be a good idea?

Howlonghasitbeen · 13/11/2017 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SPARKS17 · 13/11/2017 14:26

It sounds like there is a lot of internal and external pressures on you to make your marriage work. From what you have described your husband is doing the minimal, to be seen to be doing the right thing.

My thoughts are that he has checked out and is waiting for you to make the hard decision to end things, then its not his "fault" in the eyes of those external parties who would prefer you to stay married.

Being in a miserable relationship is not fun, yes all relationships go through good and bad patches. I think you need to decide the steps you are going to take to improve your marriage, see if things come around but ultimately have an end point when you will call it a day. Perhaps that day will never come in which case wonderful, but always have a back up plan. Good luck.

Hermonie2016 · 13/11/2017 14:58

You argue all the time? Has this been brought up in counselling? Do you feel he is now being unfair and starting rows?

I think you have to look at his actions not hear his words.Is he showing you he is committed?