Worrying about old age if DH dies before me

[MascaraGirl]

I'm 48, DH is 56 (so 8 years between us) but I'm worrying dreadfully about how I'll cope in old age if he dies years before me. His family generally live til they're about 90, whereas mine don't (Mum died at 54, bio father died at 60) so in theory it could well be me that goes first.

We don't have children (DH has a son from his first marriage) and this makes me worry more about being lonely and isolated. Obviously in my family, Mum died young and she was the same age as her husband (my step father) so I do realise that it's not always men who die young, and also that having a partner the same age is no guarantee against disaster.

I had some counselling earlier in the year, I tend to suffer from anxiety, and I discussed this with the counsellor. She gave me some very good strategies for dealing with negative thoughts like this, and these strategies generally work, but the the worries reappear and I have to work to make them go away again.

The counsellor did point out that life and old age never bring certainties, my late mum is a case in point, and that whilst statistically women outlive men, DH would only need to do a bit better than average, and me a little worse, and there's every likelihood the gap between our deaths could actually be quite close, but there is no point in speculating because no one knows what the future holds.

If, like his father and grand father, DH makes it to 90, I'd be 82, and unlikely to have decades ahead of me. I keep trying to hold this thought.

I wonder if I need more counselling sessions, and does anyone else worry about this?

PS - if I could go out today, and buy such a property "just in case", I'd feel so much better. I wouldn't spare me from the heartache that losing DH would cause, but to be "insured" against loneliness and isolation would be wonderful.

It depends where you live and where you move to. My aunt's retirement flat cost a fraction of their house - it was a large 4 bed near London - and they moved to Oxfordshire so the pricing was on their side.

But you do pay service charges for the pool and event etc. And later you pay care fees.

Yes, I understand emotional attachment and bereavement; but the idea that you can't go on by yourself is nonsense. Plenty of us don't have a 'significant other' and manage

Xpost with OP - honestly you don't need to buy a flat 'in case', the very nature of those retirement homes is that vacancies are always coming up ifyswim. You can cross that bridge when you come to it. Your husband is so young. Realistically it's not likely to be an issue for at least another twenty years. And you may decide to move together.

And you may decide to move together - yes, lets hope so. Because as much as I worry about being alone, if it does end being me who dies first, I'd like to think DH is in the best possible environment too.

Ps OP.
I think it is so lovely to read on Relationships about someone in a happy marriage!
There are so many awful sad tales about women feeling trapped in terrible marriages/relationships, that your problem makes a lovely change if that makes any sense!

Susannah - I definitely think myself lucky. Although after my first dreadful marriage, which dissolved just after both my parents died, I think I deserve some luck!

Op, can I ask you very gently - do you know anyone who is 68 or 78? Because I know many people that age and none of them are in a retirement home with a cat flap.

They are busy with hobbies, travelling, voluntarty work, sport, socialising and work.

They use their time and cheap travel passes to go all over the country and sometimes abroad, visiting friends and family. They go on special interest holidays alone or with friends.

They play golf or run at parkrun every week. Go to classes at the gym or sports centre or swim. Sing in choirs.

Many voluntary organisations are held together by the unpaid labour of retirees . They run soup kitchens , do accounts , sit on committees or raise funds.

If you are lonely then only you can do something about it. Find a charity that is close to your heart and see how you can support it. You don’t need to spend your Sundays at home worrying and lonely. You could be

helping in a local animal shelter( I see you are a cat owner )

teaching an asylum seeking family English

Supporting a family with a disabled child

going to a football match with a first Aid team

Running in a 10k

Helping at your local hospice

At the gym with your new friends

Teaching computing to a homeless person

People do these things because they get something back. New skills, company, a sense of fulfilment and satisfaction, a new perspective on life.

Don’t waste years of your life being unhappy and worrying about things you can’t control. Neither you nor your husband deserve that.

He will be reassured to know that you WILL be able to cope if he goes first. Not just cope but have a happy and fulfilling life.

Which is what we all want for our loved ones after we have gone.

Life has given you a lot - a happy marriage to a good man, a job and enough to live on, health and strength . Be grateful and make the most of it now.

They're all great ideas Kristina. I'm continuing to feel brighter and the gloom is lifting. We've got tickets for an event this coming weekend, and I'm focussing on that. This thread has been incredibly helpful.

I'm really glad OP. Enjoy that event.

I’m glad everyone has helped you OP. Please do take the first step and try a new hobby and some volunteering. It may take a few attempts to find the right place for you but don’t give up. Contact half a dozen organisations and see which ones work out.

Have a lovely weekend.