Worrying about old age if DH dies before me

[MascaraGirl]

I'm 48, DH is 56 (so 8 years between us) but I'm worrying dreadfully about how I'll cope in old age if he dies years before me. His family generally live til they're about 90, whereas mine don't (Mum died at 54, bio father died at 60) so in theory it could well be me that goes first.

We don't have children (DH has a son from his first marriage) and this makes me worry more about being lonely and isolated. Obviously in my family, Mum died young and she was the same age as her husband (my step father) so I do realise that it's not always men who die young, and also that having a partner the same age is no guarantee against disaster.

I had some counselling earlier in the year, I tend to suffer from anxiety, and I discussed this with the counsellor. She gave me some very good strategies for dealing with negative thoughts like this, and these strategies generally work, but the the worries reappear and I have to work to make them go away again.

The counsellor did point out that life and old age never bring certainties, my late mum is a case in point, and that whilst statistically women outlive men, DH would only need to do a bit better than average, and me a little worse, and there's every likelihood the gap between our deaths could actually be quite close, but there is no point in speculating because no one knows what the future holds.

If, like his father and grand father, DH makes it to 90, I'd be 82, and unlikely to have decades ahead of me. I keep trying to hold this thought.

I wonder if I need more counselling sessions, and does anyone else worry about this?

There is no way to predict who will die first. The eldest people dont necessarily go first. A good thing to do is to prepare as best you can for either eventuality. You should become acquainted with the tools and what they are for and DH should learn about cooking and housework.
All the worst things have already happened to me. All my elders have died, my husband has died and now there have been a few deaths younger than me. I was all stressy run around doing what I could for people and I thought once they have all gone I will be able to live my own life. Somethings I manage some I dont but I am doing OK and still alive and getting on with life.
I noticed you said you had no children. I dont think having children is going to improve old age. I am a worrier so I worry but it is not actually doing anything useful so relaxing is my airm now.
Dont worry enjoy your life as it is now and know that whatever happens in the future you have done your best..

Floralnomad when I'm old a McCarthy Stone would be fab - your own space when you need it, with the back up of company/support too. It's personal preference I suppose. Just hoping they have a decent broadband speed !!

Oh my goodness OP, just make the most of everyday, life is way to short to worry about things you can’t do anything about.

Since I posted this thread, I've tried to use one of the techniques the counsellor taught me - and I feel a bit better now. It comes and goes, but I'm glad I've got on top of it this evening.

As it's Monday and I'm now back into the working week, ie I'm busy - I'm feeling a bit more rational. I've realised that everyone who has a partner is in the same boat as me, one half of the partnership (in 99% of cases) will die before the other.

Pleased to hear you are feeling a little better today. You honestly can’t plan for things like this in life. But we all let our fears run riot at times. Mindfulness can be helpful, I dip in and out of it depending on my mood and level of anxiety. Wishing you all the very best.

I love my husband.
It's unlikely we will die at the same time.
All we can do is eat well, exercise and try and avoid things like drinking to excess.
Focus on now. Enjoying today.
Live a happy life.

You honestly can’t plan for things like this in life.

Indeed, and that’s half the problem with me. By nature, I like to plan for every eventuality (and then I can relax) but this is one thing I just can’t predict. I suppose you take all reasonable precautions, ie sort out your finances, do your best to ensure some sort of social/support network of hobbies and interests, and after that it’s down to fate.

But we all let our fears run riot at times

In my case, particularly on Sundays ……

I used to worry about this. Then, after 21 years marriage, my husband announced he wasn't happy. He packed a bag and left without a second thought, so I'm on my own and trust me- it's worse than grief. You have to deal with seeing your husband off having fun while you are left alone, in shock and facing a future full of fear and uncertainty. I am on my own for the first time in my entire life and it isn't easy. Only solution is not to allow your life to revolve around someone else as it can come crashing down around you all too quickly.

Does sound like anxiety to me. Have you tried writing down when it is that you tend to worry most? If you can find a pattern, e.g. menstrual, then it helps if you know that the worries are likely to wane a bit after a day or two. And keep an eye out for food/alcohol that might make you especially worry-prone.

Personally I found that medication worked for me, not just in the short run but also because I discovered what it is like not to feel anxious, so now (off medication) I can recognise it better for what it is and actually believe in my heart of hearts that it is excessive :)

I''m at my worst on Sundays, probably because it's my least busy day. I'm always better when distracted.

A previous poster mentioned it's good to have a plan - and today I've been checking out U3A, which seems like a great way for retired people to get out, meet people and stay busy. I will definitely be pursuing this when I retire.

Not sure how I feel about medication, I fear I'd never get off it if I started.

If my h died, I’d get to live in my house, have the mortgage paid off and I’d have his pension.
^ (note the absence of a “d”)

He’s tough as an old boot and will probably see me down

Try find a way to get past this & enjoy what you’ve got whilst you’ve got it OP

I don't have a partner, nor kids and few real friends, if any. I hope I die before my parents as can't imagine life without them (although I live alone In disabled so get quite a bit of support from them), I have every intention of killing myself when they die if I don't die first. I get really panicky and upset thinking about it, so just try to block it out as much as possible so do t get overwhelmed, had CBT for other reasons but dont find it in least bit helpful for either thing though

Retirement villages are all the rage now, some are gorgeous. My uncle and aunt moved to one, lovely people there, lots to do. There's no need to reserve a place now as there are so many of them.

McCarthy and Stone are the bottom end of the market. Checkout Richmond Villages and Audley. There's also a very smart one in Battersea, nice ones in Hampshire. There are more springing up all the time. (Bearing in mind you're so young!)

Btw a friend of mine's mum developed anxiety on exactly this subject when she retired and she's got three children. It may be some kind of abandonment anxiety as much as being childless and worried about being alone.

I know OP has anxiety and I sympathise with that. But mental health issues aside, will you all get a grip. I'm astounded by the reliance of so many on another person, for company, happiness, self-worth, entertainment, ability to cope, ability to live

Well today’s a new day, and I can feel positivity rising up through my earlier anxiety. The train was on time, I managed to get a seat, and it’s a bright autumn day. If I can get through this latest blip without any medication, I will be pleased. I’ve had a few positive thoughts about Christmas today, rather than worrying about how many we’ve got left together. I’m not sure where these clouds come from, but at least it’s starting to lift today.

Ravenmum - writing all this stuff down really helps, even if people tut and shake their heads as they read it.

RidingWindhorses - I’m encouraged by your comments about retirement villages, and hope they’re commonplace by the time I may need one. As we’re an aging population, I think this is likely. And you’re spot on with your theory about having some sort of abandonment issue – my parents separated when I was small, then they both died before I was 30, within 2 years of each other, and then my first husband left me. The counsellor picked up on this straight away.

Adara - I’m so sorry you feel this way, but understand your anxiety. I don’t know how old you are, but is there any sort of communal living arrangement you could consider if your parents die?

Sensimilla - I think relying on your significant other in your old age is slightly different to a reliance in your younger years, when you’re more likely to be active, healthy, working and busy. However I maintain that most of us have a deep emotional attachment to our partners, and that’s what makes us fearful, particularly in old age when we’re less likely to be busy, healthy and have support networks. You could, in theory, have a huge range of friends in your 40s, only to find there’s not many of them left by the time you’re 80!

I think you can plan actually.
My parents are early 70s and have moved into flats with a concierge.
No more worrying about the garden or big house maintenance. No worrying about what happens if they can no longer manage the stairs.
Everything in walking distance so even though they have a car now it’ll be fine without one later.
They’re making friends now in the new block/street while they’re still active and sprightly.

My mum worked in care homes so knows what a stress it can all be for those in denial until it’s too late and they have a massive house in an isolated area and lose their sight or break a leg.

I'm astounded by the reliance of so many on another person, for company, happiness, self-worth, entertainment, ability to cope, ability to live
I think that in many cases the problem is not being reliant one one person, but fearing that you will not have any people around you. So many are relatively friendless and find it hard to make friends.

I know that the mantra on MN is often that we should all be super self-reliant, but having no social contact at all can be very hard. If you're socially anxious or introverted, it can feel easier to say "I'm fine just with my partner" or "I prefer an evening in anyway", but in old age, when you can't get out much? A bit different. Since I broke up with my ex and had help with my social anxiety I've put a lot more effort into getting out and doing stuff, and even though it is hard work I can see that it's something I should have been doing all those years.

Adara, I'd urge you not to be permanently put off by setbacks, and just keep slogging away it trying to make your situation better. Speak to your doctor again. Be constantly on the lookout for things you could do to improve your social contact, without having huge expectations. Start your own thread, if you haven't.

Ravenmum I agree entirely with your comments. Obviously I don’t want to lose DH, I love him dearly and he’s my ‘main person’ but you’re so right that it’s the fear of complete isolation that’s so scary. The thought of being alone at Christmas terrifies me (which is why some sort of communal/retirement living arrangement with other people in the same boat would be ideal), not being able to get to the shops, going days without talking to anyone etc etc. And if I were to die alone, what would happen to the cat???? A

Museumum - your parents’ arrangement sounds ideal.

I know we should, in theory, be completely independent and self sufficient, but in reality, we’re not.

There is a flip side if this... My exh was an emotionally abusive arse hole.. All the men in his family died in their early 50s. On some subconscious level I believe I put up with his behaviour as long as I did because I didn't expect it to be "forever". Anyway I left him and he's still going strong at 59!!

Family history is an unreliable benchmark

True - Mum died at 54, and if I thought I was going the same way, I wouldn't be posting like this.

While you are FAR too young to be worrying about old age OP, fear isn't rational is it, so your fears are completely real to you.

I think you are right about retirement villages being the way to go.
Our elderly neighbour sold up last year and moved into a wonderful penthouse flat in a lovely retirement village near here. She's got her own privacy when she wants it, and company if she feels lonely.
There are several acres of grounds to walk around, indoor pool, and apparently a very active social life - theatre trips, NT properties etc.

She loves it there, BUT i's not cheap. Her new flat cost almost as much as her 4 bed detached house, and the ongoing fees soon mount up. She feels it's worth it though.

Thank you for understanding Susannah. Your neighbour's arrangements are exactly what I want (except I'd need a ground floor apartment, with a cat flap ..... ) and if they also provided a communal Christmas lunch for anyone on their own, that would be just perfect. We've currently got a 4 bed detached, so hopefully that would cover the cost.