Old Chestnut - DH does no housework

[boylovesmeerkats]

I'm so fed up of living with someone who does no cleaning. I love my husband very much, and I know in his head he thinks he does loads more than 'the average man' but the reality is that he does hardly anything. Yes he is quite good with the kids and does their bedtime, and drops my eldest off at school in the morning, but when he's doing bedtime I'm usually working (I work from home) and if he wasn't doing the school drop off he'd be sat in his pants drinking tea until 9am anyway.
He never hoovers, wipes, mops, never changes a sheet, cleans the bathroom, rarely washes clothes (and remembers to dry them) never buys food and he's gone from cooking regularly to maybe one decent home cooked meal a month.
How is this my life??! I bring it up now and again but he gets defensive and it never gets anywhere, his reaction is that I'm angling for an argument and we often have an argument and then I'm more exhausted from that than doing the housework.
I'm not getting a cleaner, for one we can't afford it, and for two I'm not paying another woman to clean the house when there is a perfectly fit and able man who could pull his weight.
Any advice? How do I bring this up for the millionth time without him going off on one.
I've tried not doing stuff, it doesn't really work. He would be willing to live in 'needing an obsessive compulsive cleaner tv programme' level of filth. Not only that but I'm in the house way more than him, so it's me that suffers. Tempting as it is to be out of the house all of the time, we have two boys that I'm pretty attached to.

Mine needs direct instruction also and it takes him hours to do a simple task (thanks to Twitter 🙄).

He doesn't respect you. He doesn't want to clean so he doesn't do it. This is a selfish attitude to have, is he selfish in other ways too? I really don't think it can easily be changed

For those who have to be given direct instructions are they the same at work, or are they more capable then?

Reanimated...even tried that. He didn't get the message! One of his saving graces is that he's not lazy or disinterested in the bedroom but I'm feeling completely nonsexual being Mrs Mop.

Maybe I'll just leave some of these articles open. I'm not getting anywhere, the dishes one is really good but I think he'll just read it and think 'I always load the dishwasher' what is she moaning about.

Think it'll have to be a list!

My dh has a high power job and probably constantly makes decisions. He doesn't talk much about it. I suspect he comes home and switches off. He tries but its all half done, unplanned and needs exact instructions. He does do the bins but everything else needs to be pointed out to him.

stop doing anything that relates just to him (cleaning/cooking etc)

Set up a list of chores for everyone (even your sons) set out to them as well that it is not a womans job.

Ineedaholidaynow he’s a manager for a pretty top company so does a lot at work all by himself (amazingly )

But he does come home and shut down, long hours and a ridiculous stuck in the 1930s mother means he just needs asking to help out.

His mother used to do everything, including ironing his socks until he was with me. You can imagine the state I got him in. He’s improved loads, but will always need to be asked I imagine.

I think it would be when he says “no I’ve been at work all day” that it would become an issue.

Just to make you all insanely jealous -

My Nan married a younger man, much younger, they’ve been together 20 years. He works, she’s retired. After every single shift, including all nighters the first thing he does is make her a cup of tea, and before he leaves for his next shift he’ll make sure everything is spotless so she has as little to do as possible.

He’s an angel

OldWitch00 - I have read some ridiculous posts on here over the years but yours on this thread deserve a special award!

You think it's acceptable for a woman to do all the housework in return for a man reseeding the lawn and changing the oil in the car???

I am gobsmacked that anyone still thinks like this!

How many hours do you both work in your jobs? That's key to the housework split and nothing to do with sex of the adult.

I would say we aren't going to be able to live in a happy house while you don't pull your weight, because it makes me miserable. If you're fine with me continually resenting you and being miserable at you thinking I'm the domestic slave it's not mich of a marriage anyway is it? So we are going to have non stop arguments, I am going to point out how lazy and selfush and entitled your behaviour is, your washing is not going to be done, your dishes are not going to be washed, I will definitely cook for you at least once a month though as you do cook once a month. When you pull your weight we may be happy again.

It's taken years but I started from the outset and we aren't doing so badly :)

I work in a high powered job, work very long hours, main bread winner, very able and competent at my job.

But can still do the washing, make beds, cook etc. Admittedly, it's more likely to be on a weekend than weekday, but you can be all those things and still pull your weight at home.

The weekly cleaner really helps. But my DH is perfectly capable of keeping the house running during the week, cooking for DC etc on top of his own full time job. I also work away during the week at times - he manages most stuff, although I'll pick up anything that can be done online (shopping, gifts, managing bills etc).

Some men are just lazy arses and have been enabled by their parents/partners.

He is an adult so doing his share of cleaning, shopping, cooking, laundry etc is non negotiable. 50:50

It’s not complicated - draw up a list of every task and divide it between you. If you don’t sort it out you will be enabling his behavior to continue and set a dreadful example to your DC’s and the next generation.

There is nothing that you can do
Yes you can try to make him suffer by not doing things which benefit him
But you will also suffer because the home will become full of his mess

But organising the car MOT is such a huge job, i did it this week. I had to leave the keys out in the morning so the mechanic could collect the car and then I had to collect the keys ,invoice and MOT certificate at night . AND carry these really heavy items ( keys and two pieces of paper ) all the way into the house from the driveway .

I was exhausted I can tell you. So I had to lie down for a nap while my husband collected the kids from school , ran them to football, collected them from football, picked up some shopping from Asad, made dinner, cleared up, loaded the dishwasher, supervised home work , made packed lunches, laid out uniforms, put on a load of washing and the put the clothes the drier.

I hope my husband apprieciates all the heavy and dirty jobs I do for him while he gets to stay inside in the warm and do work with the help of machines. I think he knows he’s lucky to have a wife like me who helps out at home.

Oh and did I mention that i also put petrol in the car this week without even being asked . Normally I can’t do this without my husband making a list for the fridge door and sending me a text to remind me.

I just find it too confusing when that little yellow petrol pump icon lights up on the car display, so I need him to explain what it means and what I need to do . But this week I worked it out all by myself

I’m wondering if there’s a Wife of the Year award I can apply for.

Marking a list isn't passive aggressive, we use lists in work of jobs that need doing and they are allocated and no point do I feel this is in anyway aggressive. It's sensible.

DH I've made a list of jobs, which do you think you could take on daily/weekly? Here's your choice.

Not a big deal.

And those saying they can be changed, yes they can

And for that matter it makes no difference if your a stay at home parent or not, your job is to look after the kids and get them dress fed and entertained (by all means thisbincludes sime house work)

But come tea time when you cook/feedwash up bath dress and read stories there's not reason why he can't step in and do his share

We chat to our kids (twins, 4 years old) about sharing the jobs that keep the house running. We say that we all share them, and are really careful to never say "you need to help your Mum out". We say we all need to do our bit to keep the house running smoothly, and Mummy might do more because shes in the house more (I work FT, shes a SAHM) but wheb were all here we share equally, and they'll do more as they get older and learn. They already help with bed changing (take dirty sheets to basket) and also do their own tidying of their toys with help from us.

Also this. And bear in mind it was written OVER FORTY YEARS AGO and entitled men are still refusing to pull their weight.

I'd go with GreenTulips list idea. It will show him in black and white what jobs are being done by you and will highlight how much he isn't doing. Make sure he understands exactly what's involved though, so "put dirty washing in machine and switch on", "empty washing machine and hang wet clothes up", "take dry washing off line/airer and put away in drawers/wardrobe", "iron clothes", instead of "do laundry". I've read so many stories of men who think they "do laundry" when actually they only do the first part. You really shouldn't have to explain any of this to him though, he's not a child, just a lazy git.

I'd also make it very clear that every time you do more than your fair share of the chores you feel less loving towards him and that if it continues long term you may find you lose all love for him. That even having to go as far as writing a list of housework makes you see him in a far less attractive light. He needs a wake up call that many wives divorce their husbands over this sort of shit.

i just give him tasks now, changing bed sheets for example, with clear instructions. I have to actually hand him all the bed sheets, tell him whose is who’s and then send him on his way.*

You see this just makes my vagina wither and dry up just reading it.

This whole "I'm a man and I'm domestically useless and helpless" thing is just such a turn off.

Do people have to follow him around at work telling him what to do? I get that you might do this once for someone completely clueless, but seriously no one needs to be shown how to do this more than once.

Love is a verb. With domestic cohabitation comes domestic responsibilities. Shirking basic responsibilities and expecting your P to do it all for you is the opposite of love.

Make a list.
And a checklist he can tick off each activity.
And maybe a sheet setting out exactly what he needs to do for each task.

OP is not her DH manager or trainer FFS. He is a grown up.

Yes to be specific - I had to tell my dh that bathing the toddler included draining the bath ,putting the bath toys away, putting the bath rack back, hanging his towels up, putting his shampoo on the shelf, checking his clothes and either folding them or putting them in the wsh and I did all of these every time and would be mad if he didn't bother.

Is he more middle class than you OP?

Well even grown ups need training!!

Me and DH took turns to wash up rather than days - so Monday o washed up and put away - Tuesday he didn't bother but it was still his turn, Wednesday comes and its getting bigger, thursday we are struggling for cups....

It didn't take him long to relalise that 'his turn' was much easier to do on the next day rather than saving it up ....