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Original poster

Are a few TEXT messages the same as cheating?

31 replies

mairimac · 16/04/2007 15:41

My DP had some a short lived relationship with another women by SMS. I found out one day when I used his phone. I was shocked to the core. He said he felt left out after the birth of the baby and that I was always tired etc etc etc....
He says that nothing happened physically between them, it was just a couple of silly Text messages. However he broke my heart and I'm not sure I can forgive him.
Our DS is 18 months and I don't know what to do, he is begging for forgiveness and I'm miserable.

OP posts:
Carmenere · 16/04/2007 15:42

Why do you believe that it was restricted to texts?

Original poster
mairimac · 16/04/2007 15:43

Because this other person lives 3 hrs drive away from us and he hasn't been away alone. Although am suspicious.

OP posts:
lulumama · 16/04/2007 15:44

he felt left out after the birth...so instead of growing up and getting involved, and helping you out so you were not as tired , he had some sort of relationship with another woman

up to you what yo do, but need to establish openly and honestly how far things went, and how you aim to move on

Original poster
mairimac · 16/04/2007 15:46

I have tried so many times, always ends up as him being the injured party as he didn't know IT would be this bad after a child. He just insists it was all via TEXT and nothing else. I don't know if can trust him though. Been together 10 years. Yeah he didn't help very much at all with the baby, so obvioulsy I was tired. I'm not about to apologise for giving the baby everything I had.

OP posts:
singingmum · 16/04/2007 15:46

Text her if worried it went further maybe pretend to be him.
If your sure it went no further though then maybe get some counciling or at least talk to him about it calmly.I promise even though it's hard to stay calm it's worth it

singingmum · 16/04/2007 15:47

Sorry xposted.
Tell him that maybe if he'd helped instead of being an ass then he wouldn't have had to feel left out

Original poster
mairimac · 16/04/2007 15:49

We have talked Calmly about it and he does insist it was nothing more, he's even told me to phone her and ask her if I don't believe him. It's me, I just still feel so devastated, upset, angry and I can't believe he would do it especially at such a special time in our lives. It's me who's having the problem deciding what to do. Everything he does makes me angry. Am I being too strong about this?

OP posts:
Carmenere · 16/04/2007 15:50

Damn right you are not. He has fucked up here, in answer to your original question, a few texts are not the same as a full affair BUT for me, he would have to prove it was nothing more. I probably would want to speak to her and normally I never suggest speaking to the 'other' woman but in this case, he should do everything he can to appease you.

Cashncarry · 16/04/2007 15:53

Don't let him let you think it's not cheating - it definitely is. Ask him how he would feel if you did the same - would he be able to write it off as "silly"?

I think that the first thing you need to do is make sure that it went no further than he says. He will need to allow you to have a dig around - his email, his phone etc. He's betrayed your trust so if he has a problem with this then he must be prepared for the fact that you will never trust him again.

The second thing I think you need to do is talk about why it happened - no blame, no recriminations just reasons. This'll be a long process but you've obviously lost your ability to communicate with each other somewhere along the way and need to find that reconnection.

If he's begging for forgiveness, all well and good but he needs to go a little further. You're miserable and he made that happen - it's his responsibility to try to put a smile on your face again!

I went through a very similar experience with my DH after the birth of our DD. Still coming to terms with things really but can't recommend talking enough - talk talk talk - talk each others ears off!

mylittlestar · 16/04/2007 15:54

Don't get me started on text messages!

Whether it's as bad as cheating (physically) or not, isn't the issue. He has hurt you badly and mentally played away to get a bit of an ego boost whilst you were left exhaused caring for your new baby.

Cashncarry are you around??

There's a few of us on here that have dealt with this fairly recently. I think you just need to remember that he hurt you and he now needs to do whatever it takes to put things right.
Would letting you see his phone and phone bills help you, so that you know it's definitely over?

Him begging for forgiveness is a good sign. Hopefully if he's truly remorseful he will do whatever it takes to regain your trust.

As for forgiving him and getting over it. Only you can decide that, and only time will tell if you can get over it. I'm still trying...

{{{hugs}}}

mylittlestar · 16/04/2007 15:54

cnc I hoped you'd see this xx

Original poster
mairimac · 16/04/2007 15:54

Yes that's what I say, that he has to prove to me that he wants to be with us and that it's over and literally beg forgivness. He says he doesn't know how to do that! So 8 months later we are no futher forward, we live together but are miserable. I can't go on like this either.

OP posts:
Original poster
mairimac · 16/04/2007 15:58

He has let me see his phone. My only other worry is that he went on a Cycling tour in France for 5 Days with a very good family friend, however this women was the "car driver". He insist nothing happened between them there because of OUR FRIEND, but that it was when they got friendly and the Text Started upon their return. I feel like an idiot.

OP posts:
mylittlestar · 16/04/2007 15:58

Is he going out of his way to reassure you? Does he plan nice things for you both to do? Does he compliment you? Is he completely open and honest when it comes to phone bills, e-mails etc? Does he make you feel loved and special? Does he talk openly and honestly about how he feels?

There's plenty he can do and he doesn't have to be a genius to work it out! He just has to accept the mistake he's made and actually make an effort to put things right.

Cashncarry · 16/04/2007 16:00

8 months is still such a short time Mairimac. DD's 2 yrs and 4 mths and I'm not over it!!

The difference for me came when I started to make changes in my own life and ignore him I lost some weight (all of which I put back on!), I got a job I really enjoy, started to go out with my mates more etc.

I think DH then started to realise he might lose me over this "trivial" thing and we started to talk more. He opened up about how he felt when I got pregnant, when I had the baby, me giving up work, me guarding the baby like a lionness!! It all came out in the end....

saythatagain · 16/04/2007 16:06

Sorry to hijack this thread but hi Cash!

I had something similar happen to me (as Cash will testify); to me it's the same thing as cheating, maybe an affair of the emotional kind but it hurts like hell to find out. I'm a couple of months down the line from finding out and we're doing really well. I can't reiterate Cash's advice about talking, talking and more talking. Yes, it takes time; a lot of time but the more you talk the better it is. Good luck to you.

Cashncarry · 16/04/2007 16:22

Sorry for the hijack but as you can see mairimac - we have a little club here! There are many of us who have experienced this type of betrayal - Carmenere is right, it's not as bad as a full on affair but still extremely painful and hard to get past.

Keep posting and you'll find the strength to get through

October · 16/04/2007 17:42

Message withdrawn

October · 16/04/2007 17:44

Message withdrawn

Original poster
mairimac · 16/04/2007 19:17

I agree with the talking part, but it always ends up that I do all the talking and he just nods all the time. When I ask for input he just says "what do you want me to say, I've said I'm sorry". He's not very good at communicating full stop. Making things even more difficult. And NO he isn't making any effort to make me feel any better or compliment me, or do anything nice at all. Then again maybe I'm not willing, I feel like ice sometimes.

OP posts:
Ponce · 16/04/2007 19:19

what di dhtye say

Ponce · 16/04/2007 19:19

the messages
what did htey say

NadineBaggott · 16/04/2007 19:21

god you're soooooooooo nosey

Original poster
mairimac · 16/04/2007 19:24

Not so much as what they said as to what they showed!

OP posts:
bananabump · 16/04/2007 19:30

Cheating is anything you would do involving a person or persons outside of the relationship which you would NOT be happy to do in front of your partner, be it texts, emails, cybersex or even meaningful yet "harmless" chats on the phone or in person.

No wonder you feel so angry. To my mind he didn't play his part, so then he got bored not being the focus of your attention. It doesn't matter how far it went, he obviously intended for it to be more or what's the point in texting in the first place?

Sorry for the sweeping generalistation but I've heard this soooo many times. Men can be such shits.