Are a few TEXT messages the same as cheating?

[mairimac]

My DP had some a short lived relationship with another women by SMS. I found out one day when I used his phone. I was shocked to the core. He said he felt left out after the birth of the baby and that I was always tired etc etc etc....
He says that nothing happened physically between them, it was just a couple of silly Text messages. However he broke my heart and I'm not sure I can forgive him.
Our DS is 18 months and I don't know what to do, he is begging for forgiveness and I'm miserable.

yes I agree with the fact that it's cheating, because it's cheating on our relationship no matter what angle the spin is put on it. The hardest part for me is that my life has fallen apart, I'm finding things very difficult and am very miserable indeed. I've gone from being the happiest Mum alive to someone who is just plain unhappy.

Mairimac, I have also been in a very similar situations although I came across emails; there was nothing particularly damning but they were still very very flirty and inappropriate and he was saying things to her he never spoke to me about. I confronted DH (DP at the time) and went mad as he claimed nothing had happened (he met her travelling in India, mmm, right!) but refused show me his inbox to back it up. I also got the email address of the other woman and emailed her to find out WTF was going on (nothing she claimed althought I didn't believe it). I moved out for a few days but we ended up getting back together and then getting married although I still don't trust him 100% and do question whether we should now be TTC. I'm ok now but i was completely devastated at the time and that was over just flirting so I can imagine how upset you are. Bloody men. x

mairimac it really sounds as though you are truly unhappy and not sure if you want your relationship to work anymore? am i right? i say this because it sounds like your dp is, in his own way, trying to put things right. but you say you're not really letting him...

i think you need to ask yourself do you actually want to forgive him and get past this? if the answer is yes i think you may need some counselling to help you through.

but if you think your relationship is damaged beyond repair then sadly, no matter what dp does from now on, it will never be good enough

before you talk to him, try to have a good think yourself about what you actually want. would some time apart make you feel better? would you be happier without him? would you be happy to move on and you both to find new partners? xx

Yes in a way I think you may be right, I'm stopping him putting it right, but to be honest there hasn't been any significant changes at all, he hasn't even tried to make things right. His idea is that if he just sticks his head in the sand like an ostrich then it will all go away. I tell him he needs to make it up and nothing happens and he thinks because I don't mention anything for two weeks that I'm over it and moving on. His big thing is that the ball is in my court and I have to forgive him or we can't move on, it's nothing to do with him.!

I know he buries his head and how frustrating that can be. And also how you get to the point where you're sick of trying to start a conversation as you know it'll end up with bad feeling and not getting anywhere anyway.

Whatever happens I think you need to make some time for a serious talk. Sooner rather than later. Perhaps get ds looked after so that you can go somewhere neutral like a pub (so you can't shout either!) and that way he'll clearly get the message that he needs to listen.

I'd start by saying that unless he really listens, and starts looking at ways of putting things right, you don't think your relationship can continue. I'd really spell it out.

Write things down if it helps to clarify your thoughts. Decide if you want to go to relationship counselling. Decide if you really want to try and what he will need to do to make things better. And also what you would then need to do in order to let him!

But please make some time to have a serious discussion, not a slanging match, about how you're going to move forward one way or another. Living this way can't be doing any of you any good

Have to go shortly but will catch up tomorrow

{{{hugs}}}

FWIW I really do think you should decide if you can forgive him and if you want to? You can't really move on until you know that for certain xx