DH throwing my mental health back in my face

[CarryOn051]

Lots of backstory to this so please bare with me.

I have a bit of history with mental health issues. As a teen, I suffered from bulimia. This carried on into my early 20’s (when I met DH). He’s never been the most understanding, he struggles to understand these things as he’s not a very deep person himself and struggles to empathise. Anyway, I was always honest with him about it and 6 years ago, I completely overcame it. To the point that I never weigh myself now and I’m not in the slightest bit bothered about what I eat yet I maintain a healthy weight.

Anyway, I’m a very positive thinker and I’ve always looked on the bright side of situations but a few months after the birth of my second child, something wasn’t quite right and I realised I was suffering from anxiety. I seemed to develop health anxiety and would be convinced I was going to develop cancer or some other life threatening condition. I went to the doctors about it. If there’s one thing I learned from overcoming bulimia, it’s to not bury my head in the sand with these things. I was again, very honest with DH about how I was feeling. I was feeling very happy on the whole but these intrusive thoughts were just there in the background, iyswim. One of the things I realised was that watching the news was a particular trigger for my downward spiral of thoughts. Also, it felt like every man and there dog was having a cancer scare. It seemed like loads of people around me just kept telling me these morbid stories about people I didn’t even know and that would send my thoughts spiralling. Anyway, I asked DH if he could try to not tell me these stories about “a colleagues, second cousins Mum being hit by a bus” etc etc and I also said I was going to stop watching the news (as it’s basically a round up of the worst things that are going on in the world. Anyway, he wasn’t very supportive. On about 4 or 5 occasions, he’s had a go at me about the fact that he can’t talk to me about these things and made me feel rubbish over it. Anyway, for the last few months, I’ve been feeling great (which I’ve told DH) and my anxieties have been much improved.

Now, on to the current issue. I’ve suffered from chronic hives for over 20 years and I’ve been suffering badly at the moment. If I don’t take my medication, I just become a swollen, blotchy mess. The doctors are clueless as to why this happens to me but this spell at the moment is the worst I’ve ever had. I’ve had a lot on (moving house, 2 small children) and we are trying to look at stress as a possible cause. Tonight DH kept harping on about all the stuff we need to do (as he often does). I told him I had to get some clothes washed and dried by tomorrow morning for DD1’s dance class (we just got back from holiday today). Cue the huffing and puffing and remarks like “For fuck’s sake” from DH about how it’s too constant, how we’ve too much on etc etc. Anyway, I explained to him that him huffing and puffing like that really does add to my stress levels and I’m trying to manage that right now, could he possibly try to be a little more positive about these things at the moment as the doctors have told me I need to de-stress as much as possible to see if that makes a difference to my poor health right now. He basically went off on one, saying that it’s a joke. Saying that I’ve not been myself for over a year and that this is getting ridiculous. He sat me down for about an hour and just went on about how unfair it is on him that there’s things he can’t talk to me about. He brought up my bulimia too. What has really upset me is that I genuinely never ask anything of him and I only asked him when my anxiety was very bad if he could try not to tell me these morbid stories about people I don’t even know. Anyway, that was months ago and I’ve followed all the doctors advice and he knows I’m much better. I know I’m a strong person because I’ve been through a lot in life and I always manage to overcome these things but somehow he always makes me seem weak and he says things like “it’s just not right that you have to focus on being happy” etc. That’s not even strictly true, I’ve just had to focus on getting better a couple of times. Why is that so wrong? I didn’t ask to have this chronic hives condition and I’m just trying to get myself back to full health. My DH is often very doom & gloom about stuff and at times it can wear me down so I feel like this is an area where he could really help me to reduce my stress levels to see if that helps my hives. As I said, the GPS are clueless as to why I’m suffering so badly with this just now and I’m just trying to follow their advice. I just feel like DH is really throwing it back in my face that I had anxiety for a while. It’s almost like he’s trying to drag me back down Aibu or is DH? Please help.

He plays with them and gives them lots of attention, reads to them, cuddles them. But all of the other stuff, any of the activities/dance classes etc, it’s all me. That’s just the way it’s always been. He works away for long spells at a time but can also be home for long spells. I do all the household admin such as sorting bills and managing our finances. That’s just the pattern we’ve fallen into.

I hate the newspeak way of talking about mental health whe we really mean mental ill health or psychiatric illness.

I believe it's an anti-stigma thing to normalise discussion about mental health and mental health problems - we all have mental health just like we all have physical health.

I don't see much difference between saying "I have mental health problems" and "I have a mental illness", the same as I could say "I've had some health problems in the last year" or I could say "I've been ill quite a bit in the last year".

Just because someone claims they don't suffer from stress doesn't mean that it's actually true (perhaps particularly if you are socialised as a man.)

piglover yes, that’s right. I’ve known him for a decade though and know him inside out. He doesn’t suffer from stress.

“For fuck’s sake” from DH about how it’s too constant, how we’ve too much on etc

By 'we' like most men he means you!

Hi sorry you’re having a hard time and also coping with chronic urticaria. Can I second a pp who suggested dermatology/immunology? Also google chronic urticaria as there are a lot of sites which have helpful suggestions eg low histamine diet and the ways different antihistamines can help. 🌹

The fact you don't feel someone to be "deep" is concerning. You feel you have not been suffering issues but you need to listen to the person closest to you. Maybe he has seen something you are refusing to acknowledge? People with MH issues are not always the first to recognise them. Everybody suffers from stress at times and you do sound rather self centred and unkind.

redsrule you are right. I wrote my post in the heat of the moment when I was deeply hurt by how he had treated me. If I asked him for any examples of me being different he had none and like I’ve said upthread, he actually said that I seem no different to him, with or without my anxiety. I’ve also explained that I’m actually much better now and have been for months. Im just hurt that he used the stuff I had confided in him about against me, purely because he didn’t like the fact I had asked him if he could possibly try to be a little more positive about the stuff I’ve got to get done, rather than making out like it’s all a complete nightmare. He didn’t like what I asked him so he turned it into a big thing about my anxiety when it had absolutely nothing to do with that. I’m merely trying to see if reducing my stress levels will help me to get better and I hoped I’d have his support with that.

Sorry that was me. name change fail!!

I think my dislike of the phrase "mental health" is that people talk about it when they mean mental il health or mental illness, it's like mental illness is still so stigmatised that we can't talk about "my mental illness" or more daring still, actually give the mental illness a name.
People with physical illnesses don't talk about "my physical health problem" unless they're deliberately being vague. They say "my arthritis" "my angina" "my asthma". It's only with psychiatric illnesses that the coyness and Newspeak appears.

Do you need to get angry with him and tell him to get off his bum and help you sort out the washing rather than moaning. If this was my husband I wouldn't tell him to stop being negative I'd tell him to start pulling his weight. Are you mistaking anxiety for anger?

Have you had any CBT for the anxiety?

In general, avoiding triggers doesn't help with anxiety disorders. It just makes them seem bigger and bigger until a full-blown phobia develops. It locates the control outside yourself - if only the news didn't mention cancer, or your husband only talked about nice things, you'd be fine. Unfortunately you can never control the world to that extent.

CBT would give you a chance to talk through your triggers with a therapist and to face them gently in a supportive environment, which is the only way to make them less triggering.