DH throwing my mental health back in my face

[CarryOn051]

Lots of backstory to this so please bare with me.

I have a bit of history with mental health issues. As a teen, I suffered from bulimia. This carried on into my early 20’s (when I met DH). He’s never been the most understanding, he struggles to understand these things as he’s not a very deep person himself and struggles to empathise. Anyway, I was always honest with him about it and 6 years ago, I completely overcame it. To the point that I never weigh myself now and I’m not in the slightest bit bothered about what I eat yet I maintain a healthy weight.

Anyway, I’m a very positive thinker and I’ve always looked on the bright side of situations but a few months after the birth of my second child, something wasn’t quite right and I realised I was suffering from anxiety. I seemed to develop health anxiety and would be convinced I was going to develop cancer or some other life threatening condition. I went to the doctors about it. If there’s one thing I learned from overcoming bulimia, it’s to not bury my head in the sand with these things. I was again, very honest with DH about how I was feeling. I was feeling very happy on the whole but these intrusive thoughts were just there in the background, iyswim. One of the things I realised was that watching the news was a particular trigger for my downward spiral of thoughts. Also, it felt like every man and there dog was having a cancer scare. It seemed like loads of people around me just kept telling me these morbid stories about people I didn’t even know and that would send my thoughts spiralling. Anyway, I asked DH if he could try to not tell me these stories about “a colleagues, second cousins Mum being hit by a bus” etc etc and I also said I was going to stop watching the news (as it’s basically a round up of the worst things that are going on in the world. Anyway, he wasn’t very supportive. On about 4 or 5 occasions, he’s had a go at me about the fact that he can’t talk to me about these things and made me feel rubbish over it. Anyway, for the last few months, I’ve been feeling great (which I’ve told DH) and my anxieties have been much improved.

Now, on to the current issue. I’ve suffered from chronic hives for over 20 years and I’ve been suffering badly at the moment. If I don’t take my medication, I just become a swollen, blotchy mess. The doctors are clueless as to why this happens to me but this spell at the moment is the worst I’ve ever had. I’ve had a lot on (moving house, 2 small children) and we are trying to look at stress as a possible cause. Tonight DH kept harping on about all the stuff we need to do (as he often does). I told him I had to get some clothes washed and dried by tomorrow morning for DD1’s dance class (we just got back from holiday today). Cue the huffing and puffing and remarks like “For fuck’s sake” from DH about how it’s too constant, how we’ve too much on etc etc. Anyway, I explained to him that him huffing and puffing like that really does add to my stress levels and I’m trying to manage that right now, could he possibly try to be a little more positive about these things at the moment as the doctors have told me I need to de-stress as much as possible to see if that makes a difference to my poor health right now. He basically went off on one, saying that it’s a joke. Saying that I’ve not been myself for over a year and that this is getting ridiculous. He sat me down for about an hour and just went on about how unfair it is on him that there’s things he can’t talk to me about. He brought up my bulimia too. What has really upset me is that I genuinely never ask anything of him and I only asked him when my anxiety was very bad if he could try not to tell me these morbid stories about people I don’t even know. Anyway, that was months ago and I’ve followed all the doctors advice and he knows I’m much better. I know I’m a strong person because I’ve been through a lot in life and I always manage to overcome these things but somehow he always makes me seem weak and he says things like “it’s just not right that you have to focus on being happy” etc. That’s not even strictly true, I’ve just had to focus on getting better a couple of times. Why is that so wrong? I didn’t ask to have this chronic hives condition and I’m just trying to get myself back to full health. My DH is often very doom & gloom about stuff and at times it can wear me down so I feel like this is an area where he could really help me to reduce my stress levels to see if that helps my hives. As I said, the GPS are clueless as to why I’m suffering so badly with this just now and I’m just trying to follow their advice. I just feel like DH is really throwing it back in my face that I had anxiety for a while. It’s almost like he’s trying to drag me back down Aibu or is DH? Please help.

Sorry cross posted OP

I am not excusing his behaviour. He should not have ranted at you for an hour and thrown back your previous illness as a criticism. It wasn't right or fair. I can see that was not clear from my posts and I'm sorry about that. For absolute clarity, I don't condone his behaviour.

And from your last post it seems like he tends to get quite het up about little things and perhaps focuses on the negatives- whereas you try to be positive (not sure either is totally wrong). But clearly, you find it difficult to deal with his attitude to things- and it's fair enough to voice that and ask him to try to modify things to help you.

But I can also understand how being told to be more positive and that I can't do or say certain things, because if I do it will cause my partner to be stressed and unwell quite hard. I would want to help but I think I may also feel a bit defensive, especially with the potential implication being that my partner's illness is partly my "fault" (although appreciate that is not what you've said). I may also be a bit irritated/resentful at being told that I must act in a way that doesn't come easily to me. That's not to say I wouldn't try, and I would hope I wouldn't rant on about it.

I guess I'm trying to suggest that if you want things to change, you both need to understand where he other is coming from. It may be all about him and his behaviour/attitude. I don't know.

I'm interested in politics and current affairs. If my husband told me we could never discuss these and just talk about the weather and fictional TV programmes I would feel as though I was living with a small child who can't cope with reality and discuss serious issues not an equal. It sounds as though your relationship has problems any way though as you describe him as not very deep although I don't find deep a useful adjective as it often just seems to mean introspective and miserable. Discussing things that happened to people you don't know just sounds boring. You don't sound as though you are making each other happy.

2Rebecca I do watch/ read the news again now. I’m very up to date on current affairs. I only stopped watching for a while to get myself feeling better as there would be headlines about cancer for instance, which would trigger my anxiety. As I said, I’m better now and have been for the past few months. I hope you never have to suffer from something like this and to have someone compare you to a “small child” for having to avoid a trigger temporarily. It did seem to work though. Anyway, DH has always been welcome to watch the news.

Your post just came across as a list of things he shouldn't do to avoid upsetting you. It seemed a one way relationship with him treading on egg shells and avoiding a different trigger each week.

OP I wondered if you have considered seeing a herbalist about the hives - they would help with the anxiety too. I feel really sorry for you seeing that photo. It must be awful.

OP, I really feel for you. It's shit when you're dealing with managing stress and trying to stay positive... BUT (there's always a "but") having had counselling/therapy I've come to realise that no-one but me is responsible for my mental well-being. Asking people to do a & b to help is one thing, but asking them to do a,b,c,d,e & f and change who they are is a different matter.

It's not for other people to manage or fix, we have to do it ourselves.

Oh dear, your hives look terrible. I developed hives specifically in response to gold top milk, kind of random, all other milk was fine but I managed to figure it out eventually. I'm sure that you've done all kinds of tests but could it be something really specific like that?

Regarding your husband it just seems like you are two very different kinds of people (probably largely down to your different experiences). I'm a bit like your husband, I very much try to get on with it and want the same from others. I find interrupting the flow of life for whatever reason really irritating and just try to keep things ticking over while I deal with my own problems myself. I probably come across as a bit gloomy as well but thinking about negative things and discussing them is my way of processing them and feeling emotionally on top of it. I don't focus on them too much but I do need to acknowledge them every now and then. It is especially helpful if my husband listens to me and maybe even participates in these discussions because it feels like my feelings are acknowled and we are on the same page. I definitely find ignoring negative issues very counter productive and stressful in itself. Maybe he has something similar going on in his head?

At any rate it's clear that you are not getting what you need from each other. Have you considered some kind of counselling perhaps?

I totally sympathise with the hives. I was on prednisone for 17 years as it was the only thing that controlled my urticaria. I had norovirus about 10 months ago and stopped taking my meds. I haven't had any hives since.
Honestly I am not sure how much stress plays a part in urticaria. I hope you do manage to get your stress levels down though.

What I think some people on here are not really understanding is that it was months ago that I asked him not to talk about morbid stuff to me. It’s a small request surely? And something that would have big help to me sorting out my anxiety.

Sorry, I posted too soon.

At the moment, I really need to reduce my stress levels. I approached him in a nice way and explained that it would help me if he could try to be more positive about the stuff that I’ve got to do, rather than getting annoyed about it. I do so much for our kids. It’s me that takes them to their activities, sorts out new clothes when they’ve taken a stretch, make sure they have costumes for any fancy dress events or dancing displays, bake their birthday cakes, buy them all their gifts at birthdays and Xmas, pack their stuff whenever we go away for weekends etc. As I’m sure a lot of mums on here do. DH never does any of that kind of stuff. When I’ve got a lot to get done for the kids (on top of the stuff I’ve got going on in my own life), DH will complain about it and act all stressed, when in reality, it’s me who does it all. I simply asked him if he could try to be more positive (or just not complain), when I mention that I need to get something done. I’m not asking for his help, just for him to not put me on a downer because of it. In fairness to DH, he does share the housework, but when it comes to the kids, it’s me who makes sure they have everything they need. I’m happy with that arrangement, but I’d rather not have someone saying “for fucks sake!!!! It’s just constant!!” in quite an angry tone when I say I’ve got something I need to do. Yes it is constant, it’s called being a parent and it’s a full time job.

I'm no doctor but I'm pretty certain that if you left your husband your health would miraculously improve massively!

Your illnesses are taking over your relationship, dictating what he can talk about, how he has to behave. It must be exhausting for him, and I say that as someone who used to be your husband.l

Living with someone with MH issues, well, they are self indulgent. Life is all about them and their illness and how everyone else should facilitate them. They give very little thought to those around them.

That’s a ridiculous statement. Based perhaps on your personal experience but just not true for the majority. A lot of people don’t even tell their friends or immediate family about their illnesses. And we wonder why MH still has a stigma when there are sweeping statements like this made.

skarossink oh, it must be awful to be in a relationship where someone has asked you if you could try to do 2 things (yes 2 things!!!) over the course of a year, that would make them feel better. That must be so exhausting.

He doesn't sound at all supportive or understanding. I agree that if you leave him your health will probably improve!

OP, I too think you have had some poor advice from some posters and that you should move this to Relationships.

You're the one suffering from stress, bulimia and hives but apprently you should put your husband first, who makes a massive deal of everyday things like putting some clothes in the washing machine and taking DD to her class. What are his morbid stories? My husband loves horror movies and always tries to get me to watch them with him. I am very clear with him that I hate them and won't watch any.

I'm not surprised you're stressed and I wonder if he is partly the cause?

How much practical support does he give you day to day?

And on the hives - your pictures look like the urticaria my mum had. In her case, what helped her was cutting out wheat and dairy for 3 months. It went away completely. I remember how bad it was for her

I’d rather not have someone saying “for fucks sake!!!! It’s just constant!!” in quite an angry tone

Oh my goodness CarryOn051 I don't know what thread some posters are reading. This is what must be hard to live with, I certainly couldn't live with somebody who reacted in such a negative way to everyday situations like the bloody washing! You are completely fair to not want that, it must make you feel quite on edge and like you're swimming against the tide in terms of staying positive yourself.

Without anxiety and hives (poor you), somebody reacting negatively to every little thing would really take its toll on me! I think some people on this thread are perhaps deliberately missing the point.

This is absolutely unrelated to your primary issue but I used to suffer from chronic urticaria (hives):

It just happens. It's part of your immune system going a bit over-active. It isn't necessarily related to stress and it may clear up as mysteriously as it arrived. I had mine for about 2 years and then suddenly it went. Been back a few times but never as bad.

What is your GP treating you with? Because clearly it isn't working It's not unusual to need mega doses of more than one anti-histamine at once. I ended up on 4x dose of fexofenadine and 2x dose of desloratidine to get it under control. A GP wouldn't have done that, I was under a dermatologist.

Which brings me to my final point - you need referring to a specialist. Avoiding stress, or focussing on your mental health is not going to fix this (although both are v important things as well). It needs proper treatment of the condition. You need your GP to refer you to either a dermatologist or an immunologist for high dose treatment of antihistamines. If they don't work, there are more specialized treatments available which can only be given by a consultant.

Hulder, great that there is specialised treatment available.

My mum was forced to go to a homeopath because the GP only prescribed her the usual anti histamines and they did nothing to help. This was 15 years ago.

Luckily the homeopath's advice of cutting out wheat and dairy worked, but it sounds like she could have got treatment for it.

Thanks for all the advice. I’ve requested this be moved to relationships.

I think I can see both sides of this as someone who has had mental health problems (depression, anxiety and PTSD) who had a DH with mental health problems (depression and episodes of psychosis ) There have been times when DH has been less than supportive of me and made comments such as "what do you have to be anxious about" theres been times where I've been less than supportive of him like the time he quit his job when he was unwell because of the impact it was having on his mental health and I yelled at him about my stress levels (looking back it was 100% the right thing for him to do even his psychiatrist agreed that he wasnt well enough to be working) I'm also aware of how it feels to be struggling yourself but not feel able to ask you partner for support for fear of making them ill. DH really struggled to cope the last time I was ill and he is very anxious about it happening again, I'm confident that I'm better now and that I am generally good at self managing and will know when I need to seek help in the future, but he will sometimes bring it up as something that is worrying him and that he is finding hard to cope with. DH is also well again at the moment, but I am worried about him getting ill again and want to do some crisis planning with him for if he gets ill again. He finds this very frustrating and negative as he wants to concentrate on being well and not think about the times when he has been ill. There are a few things that have really helped us.

1. Working together with our respective CPNs to improve our communication. For example I realised that I would say I was fine meaning 'I'm no worse than yesterday when I felt really shit' and DH would hear '100% fine, back to normal, not ill anymore' and a similar thing in reverse. So we developed a number system to score our stress levels and mood out of 10 and made a point of checking in with each other about this daily for a while. Even now we are both well we check in with each other in this way at least once a week.

1. Family therapy (aranged by DHs MH team) where we explored our differing attitudes and beliefs around the illnesses and how they impacted on both of us. We realised the impact of our illnesses on each other (which with mental illness is often significant) and learned to see things from the other persons perspective much better. We both found this incredibly useful.

So yes I can understand your frustration at your DH bringing up your past illnesses when you are felling relitavely well. I can understand your frustration at him snapping at you about his stress levels when you feel that you are the one under stress. And I can understand where he is coming from too. For me and my DH improving our communication and learning how to support each other better so that the support flows both ways has made a huge difference. I think PPs suggestion of couples councelling is a good one.

We are moving this thread to Relationships soon.

You're the one suffering from stress, bulimia and hives but apprently you should put your husband first

Not one poster said that. Stop being a drama queen. What was said was possibly the husband is also suffering from stress, you take a house move, young kids, a sick partner and many people would be stressed and snap. Caring for one another, understanding one another is what’s required. It’s not a one way street, where he can’t be stressed or snap and he simply has to do everything to make sure she’s fine due to her issues. We all get issues at times.

My husband is most definitely not suffering from stress. He doesn’t understand why I’m stressed and says he can’t relate to it as it’s not something he has ever struggled with. If the posters who are saying he could be stressed could meet him, they’d understand what I’m saying. He’s most definitely not.

Why does he not do anything for the children and why are you happy with that?