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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have no one in life except my DC

36 replies

RogerThatOver · 10/11/2017 22:16

Feeling really lonely tonight. I have no family - I went NC with my abusive parents years ago. I have a brother but I only hear from him a handful of times per year. I separated from my partner a few months back when I was heavily pregnant. I have five DC and he's decided he doesn't want any involvement in their lives whatsoever. He was an awful parent and as a result I have literally never had time away from them. They've come to hairdressers appointments, smear tests etc with me and I had to have a home birth because he refused/was incapable of looking after the others. His family are backing his decision and abandoning the children too.

I have people I can chat to at the school gates and toddler group, but no actual proper friends. It's me and my DC 24/7 and while I love and adore them, I can't help feeling lonely. If I died tomorrow it'd mean nothing to anyone but them. I have no one to leave them with to go out and do anything for me or to meet anyone and by the time they're in bed I'm so shattered that I go to bed too. Then I'm up multiple times with the baby and one DC has additional needs and wakes frequently.

Ex DP is also evading maintenance and I'm absolutely broke. I had to use a credit card to get the funds to move out as he was abusive and I'm left with debt, no friends, no family and no life. I'm so grateful to have healthy and happy children but I feel sad that this is my lot in life. I so badly wanted to travel, have a great career and marriage. I can't see any of that ever happening. I live for and through my DC and feel like I've failed them by picking a father for them that was inadequate and has subsequently abandoned them. I don't know how I can get past feeling like this.

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 10/11/2017 22:24

I'm so sorry you feel like this. I really felt your pain. No one should have to feel like this. I know what it's like to be lonely.

I am here if you'd like a chat

TalkinBoutWhat · 10/11/2017 22:32

Oh Gosh, that's really awful. I'm so sorry.

I'm guessing you were pretty lonely in the marriage, but at least it was someone physically there to at least talk to sometimes.

Are there any school mums that have potential to become friends? Sometimes it's the ones you haven't noticed, because they're hanging back a bit and not involved in the crowds.

The best mum friends' I've made generally have been through the my DS's sporting activities. Standing around the sidelines leaves a lot of time for chatting. Cricket is by far the most civilised and enjoyable of them all.

pallasathena · 10/11/2017 22:35

And yet...you come over as intelligent, articulate, decisive, capable, dependable and altogether someone who is just a very, very impressive individual.
Sometimes, people are truly not worthy of us and it sounds as if unfortunately, your life has been dominated by that particular type. I would suggest that you are entirely capable of absolutely anything that you set your sights on.
You haven't met your tribe yet simply because you are not yet in a position to actively engage. But you will be.
Give it time, patience and belief in yourself. You are amazing OP. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Original poster
RogerThatOver · 10/11/2017 22:36

We wasn't even married so I wasted all those years and don't even have the prospect of a divorce settlement from it. Meanwhile I've been providing free childcare and housekeeping so he can do as he likes, fill up his pension pot and save thousands of pounds while keeping it all away from us.

I'm always busy occupying the younger ones/DC with additional needs so barely get time to chat.

OP posts:
Original poster
RogerThatOver · 10/11/2017 22:41

Thank you, pallasathena Flowers

I know things will get easier with time and that I must be patient but it's difficult not to dwell. He's walked away free of responsibilities, with a prosperous career, money in the bank and his pension pot, a blossoming social life. I'm left picking up the pieces. Thankfully he was so useless that the DC don't miss or ask about him. I know I am so lucky to have them and I fully appreciate them.

OP posts:
cafenoirbiscuit · 10/11/2017 22:43

Things will get better, they absolutely will. This period of life is very labour-intensive and caring for little ones is relentless. But it won't last forever, and you will discover pockets of free time where you can do stuff for yourself.
Mumsnet is amazing because there is always someone on to chat to. You'll find lots of support on here in the meantime Wine

hamburgers · 10/11/2017 22:47

Nothing to add really except I’m so sorry to read this and that you find yourself in this situation Flowers You sound like an amazing mum and your DC must love you very much and I’m sure all of them are proud of you.

Please don’t feel lonely. We are all here to chat Smile

dantdmistedious · 10/11/2017 22:48

My goodness that sounds awful. I’m not surprised you’re lonely Flowers

KanyeWesticle · 10/11/2017 22:49

This sounds awful. I'm so sorry. It must be really tough.

For the money side of things, please contact CAP. I did a money course with them and it was so helpful!

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 10/11/2017 22:50

Firstly, get on to the correct authorities and get him paying maintenance for his kids.

Have you checked all the benefits you are entitled to?

On the social side, I know where you are coming from, but try taking a little plunge...next time you chat at the playground ask someone you like if they want to join you for a coffee?

I had a few of these offers and it was always a nice thought and I made some firm friends.

In the long term you are going to be the head of a big lovely lively family of grown children that will adore you for all the hard work you put in as a single mother to keep, feed and nurture them when their deadbeat a hole of a father walked away.

And who knows maybe one day in the future you’ll be ready to share your life with someone special who really deserves you.

Flowers
Original poster
RogerThatOver · 10/11/2017 22:52

I can't even have the Wine because I'm breastfeeding Grin

Literally the only tiny break I get is when I'm driving. And it looks like my car is on the way out so even that might disappear! I've been really upbeat about the separation until tonight, believe it or not. It's just been a long week with little sleep, lots of ferrying around and barely a word spoken to anyone but my DC.

OP posts:
Original poster
RogerThatOver · 10/11/2017 22:56

I think it makes it worse that only a few people know about the separation. I bumped into someone from his work today and they were clearly unaware and speaking like he's a doting father Angry I don't know whether telling everyone might open up more avenues of getting to know people? But at the same time, I don't want a pity party.

OP posts:
youchangeyourusername · 10/11/2017 22:57

Oh, OP! That sounds really hard. But it won’t be like that forever, and one day you will have 5 x what he will never have - the love and respect of your children. (I’m sure you have it now, but you know what I mean!)

As for his thriving social life, he obviously socialises with complete deadbeats if they turn a blind eye to his behaviour.

cafenoirbiscuit · 10/11/2017 22:57

Brew Cake

cafenoirbiscuit · 10/11/2017 22:58

You can have extra calories when breastfeeding

Original poster
RogerThatOver · 10/11/2017 23:01

Thank you Flowers

I'm sure he'll follow the typical pattern of telling people that I deny him access.

I worry that I'll do all the hard work and he'll try and walk back in in a few years and they'll be impressed by his money and attention.

OP posts:
Gertieandme · 10/11/2017 23:09

Oh OP I’m in exactly the same situation except for the maintenance bit. I can go days without a text or phone call. It occurred to me the other day that when the DC are on holiday with ex I could die and nobody would realise for at least two weeks. That’s not a poor me thought, it’s the truth.

Then I started wondering how I ended up in the position that not one person other than my DC cares about me. It’s a horrible thing to know.

I’m sorry you are feeling the same way, I don’t think I am a bad or horrible person, I just thing circumstances have gone against me when it comes to making long term friends and my family was awful from the start. I’m sure the same could be said for you. It always seems worse at Xmas, I can’t wait for it to be over

May09Bump · 10/11/2017 23:12

First of all - you have been really brave and left a bad situation with your ex, that takes guts with 5 kids. You are stronger than you think.

My first thought is what about surestart - ask your midwife, I'm sure they have people to help you connect with financial help, classes for kids & babies. You need to get out and chatting with other adults.

DaenerysismyQueen · 10/11/2017 23:13

It's very fresh at the moment, allow yourself time to move on. Also looking after small kids is enough to drive anybody bananas!
Have you googled single parent support groups? I think a lot of children's centres run them. Also I think children's centres can offer help at home? I've forgotten what the scheme is called but it might give you a bit of a break? Also tab credits can cover child care if you want to go back to work?

Original poster
RogerThatOver · 10/11/2017 23:17

I just feel awful when the DC have friends over and they chat about their families and friends and my DC have literally only me. If I died tomorrow they'd have no one and nothing.

ExDPs family have been all over him because I'm the one that left. I've told his mum some of the reasons and still she abandons us and supports him. I just don't understand it.

OP posts:
Hellohellorain · 10/11/2017 23:23

They are not small for long. Soon they will be at nusery/school and you will get that time to find yourself again.
You will get through this Flowers

youchangeyourusername · 10/11/2017 23:23

What ages are your DC, OP?

Mummyoftwo91 · 10/11/2017 23:26

You sound like you are doing amazing, your children are very lucky to have you. In similar situation and I feel the same as you sometimes, it am be very isolating and lonely

Original poster
RogerThatOver · 10/11/2017 23:28

New born, 3, 4, 6 and 10.

OP posts:
CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 10/11/2017 23:30

I was in a similar position when I left my marriage about four years ago. And that loneliness and feeling of only mattering to your DCs, I'd had that for years by that point, even within the marriage.

It's been hard. I have 4DCs quite close together so I know what you mean about having no time to chat - someone's always interrupting or just needing you for something!

I have made one friend who's been through similar stuff. We meet once a fortnight and that's a lifeline. But I have no time or energy for friendships beyond that! However, going back to work has helped. And even though I haven't made friends at the school gates, the faces are familiar, so we can exchange pleasantries, and that helps with feeling human and grounded.

Hang on in there. Flowers