I have no one in life except my DC

[RogerThatOver]

Feeling really lonely tonight. I have no family - I went NC with my abusive parents years ago. I have a brother but I only hear from him a handful of times per year. I separated from my partner a few months back when I was heavily pregnant. I have five DC and he's decided he doesn't want any involvement in their lives whatsoever. He was an awful parent and as a result I have literally never had time away from them. They've come to hairdressers appointments, smear tests etc with me and I had to have a home birth because he refused/was incapable of looking after the others. His family are backing his decision and abandoning the children too.

I have people I can chat to at the school gates and toddler group, but no actual proper friends. It's me and my DC 24/7 and while I love and adore them, I can't help feeling lonely. If I died tomorrow it'd mean nothing to anyone but them. I have no one to leave them with to go out and do anything for me or to meet anyone and by the time they're in bed I'm so shattered that I go to bed too. Then I'm up multiple times with the baby and one DC has additional needs and wakes frequently.

Ex DP is also evading maintenance and I'm absolutely broke. I had to use a credit card to get the funds to move out as he was abusive and I'm left with debt, no friends, no family and no life. I'm so grateful to have healthy and happy children but I feel sad that this is my lot in life. I so badly wanted to travel, have a great career and marriage. I can't see any of that ever happening. I live for and through my DC and feel like I've failed them by picking a father for them that was inadequate and has subsequently abandoned them. I don't know how I can get past feeling like this.

Oh, and yes, do tell people you've separated. Preempt the pity party by saying, as I did, "Don't feel sorry for me, it's a good thing." You don't need to say any more - that gets the message across without any sort of fuel for gossip.

And you may be surprised by people's reactions. The number of people who told me how much happier I seemed in the first few months... Incredible.

With a newborn and DC with additional needs, getting back to work feels unachievable. I don't have enough hours in the day to do everything and spend quality time with the DC now when I'm on the go from 6 am until 10 pm. How I would squeeze a job in as well, I have no idea.

That's for the future! The first year my youngest was alive was the hardest year of my life.

And I had it easy, with only 4 5 if you include worse than useless XH and no additional needs to contend with!

Strong women like you are an inspiration, I know you don’t feel that way but honestly you are wonderful to be doing all you are, there are so many weak, dishonest men and it’s times like this I think thank God for single mums (was one myself, children now grown up) because we don’t turn our backs on our kids, we do the right thing and struggle on in all kinds of difficult circumstances, you have a huge heart and I know there will be better times ahead

I meant a job in the future, when your littlest is a b

Opps a bit bigger. Honestly it'll feel like a holiday given how much you're doing now!

Hi OP, I hear you too. It’s lonely being a mum sometimes. Do you manage to get to any toddler groups? I found these friendlier than the School gates, Miss them now my youngest DC is at school.

If you ever need a chat there’s always us lot. We’ve nothing better to do either! 😁

I can't believe you had to have a home birth so that you could look after your DCs aswell. This had really struck a cord with me. I feel for you, I really do.
But what a strong woman you are having been through all of this. The next 3 years or so are going to be tough on you, but after that and you're entitled to a but of free childcare, I've no doubt that a strong lady like you will be achieving all sorts of things. You can do this.

I get it.

I felt that way after having dc2.

It was pre-social media and I had no one. I had a few friends but the friendships consisted of a monthly chat by text.

No one would have noticed if I'd dropped dead.

But my message to you is it does get better.

Use MN and FB etc to communicate and make new friends.

The kids will grow out of being tiny and needy. You will have more time for you in years to come.

I think 5 dcs would be hard under any circumstances. You are doing great.

First of all You sound amazing op and your ex may have walked away with his career and bank balance but he will know deep down he's a disgusting human being he cannot take any pride in that.
Definitely try the baby/toddler groups have you got any surestarts near you? Their stay and plays are perfect for babies and toddlers too.
Church groups or local play schemes are normally good and cheap too the ones I go to are 50p - £1 plus tea and biscuits 👍
You might need to try a couple I used to find one might be better for the toddler but not great for baby and vise versa but found some nice ones in the end.
I've met some lovely people at groups I think that would be a good option for you socialise Also when it's tea/coffee time someone might offer to hold baby so you can enjoy a cuppa in peace.
Definitely keep trying with the school mums I would open up to people if it comes up.
You sound like a lovely mum op and a lovely person I'm sure you'll have no trouble making friends just put yourself out there a bit :)