Are they just friends

[Icema]

Help me please as I feel I'm being paranoid. My boyfriend of nearly a year is causing me some concerns. He is separated from his wife now for 5 years but yet to get divorced. He still meets up with her for a drink. He goes to her home and just let's himself in. He spends every Christmas day with her and there 21 year old son. He cooks there dinner and then they sit with there son whilst he opens presents .he still provides money every week to. He also has a lady friend at the pub he drinks in daily. They have exchanged phone numbers. He gives her lifts home and they message and chat regularly. He flirts with her as does she with him. And he smacks her bum. But when I confront him he says they are both just his friends. His son and wife have both verbally attacked me and my boyfriend says he will always stand by them. Am I being paranoid or do I have a cause for concern. Please help.

No this is not a wind up or a moan. I've just simply asked for some advice on the situation as I have my doubts yet every one that I know says his a lovely guy. He says he only told me about all the things he does for his wife isto show me what a loving person he is because even though he is not with her. He is still willing to stand by her. Give her money each week still look out for her. This happens to be my bloody life and I don't want to be hurt anymore. I'm just feeling confused and vulnerable.

why aren't you actually reading and taking on board what the posters are telling you? Just burbling on and moaning is not going to sort this. He's an idiot. Tell him to do one. Head out of arse time OP. You don't want to be hurt??? so get rid of the one who's hurting you.

Why doesn’t he “show you what a loving person he is” by treating you with some respect and “standing by” you first and foremost? The people who seem to think he’s nice do not have the full picture.

Fucks sake OP.

Dump him now. By text. Saves your breath.

Then go live a normal fuckwit-free life.

Hi OP

You are obviously very confused. It might help to separate out what he says from what he does.

He says you are the one.

He prioritises other people over you. He makes you feel third or fourth best with his behaviour.

Words are cheap.
Action expresses priorities (think that was Gandhi)

OP..... you're not going to have a happy ending with this man.... his happy ending is with his Wife... this is why he spends every Christmas Day with her and their 21 year old child ... he doesn't need to be there.. he chooses to be there... he chooses the prioritise them over you ... and he is using you and yet you will not see it.... but that is your decision.... you have asked for advise ... you will not take any advise unless it is to appease your fears.... sadly your fears are not unfounded... he is not lovely and he is not your boyfriend.... he is someone who uses you and will continue to do so...

Regardless of their friendship status, I wouldn't be happy with anyone who "slapped" a woman on her arse. Says everything about his attitude towards women. Get rid. He's making a mug of you.

I don't understand why this creep's behaviour and the fact that he is clearly still mentally married to his wife while technically having the freedom to sleep with other women (that is you, the OW) isn't putting you off him anyway. I'm repulsed for you.

Dump, dump, dump.

Don't bother telling me that he's got his good points. Don't bother trying to defend him. You know he's a creep and that you deserve better - otherwise you wouldn't be posting on here.

Dump.

Would basically harm someone if she met a new partner herself
WTAF!!!???
This guy is controlling, nasty, manuplative asshole.
Just re-read your posts!!!
Jeeezzz.
Please find your self respect and get the hell away from him.
How old are you?
You sound very young and niaive and he fact you even to ask after what you've written, is pretty worrying.
Get in touch with Womens Aid and enrol on their Freedom Programme!

Thank you all again for your advice and understanding. I know what I've got to do. Life is to short to sit and wait on a relationship that means nothing to someone. I can't waste my time on someone who lives on having his male ego stroked by female attention. I've tried talking to him. But all I have thrown at me is the fact that they are just friends and I am friends with my ex partner. But like I have said to him I don't go on and on about my ex. And I don't flirt with other men. Anyway outside advice and support can definitely give you a kick up the backside you need. Thanks again all.

He smacks another woman on the arse? Tell him to fuck off, back to 1974. Twat.

Don't talk to him anymore - he will just tell more lies and mess with your head, just get rid of him.

He sounds vile, surely being on your own would be 100 times better than being with him. Are you afraid of being on your own?

Seriously you must be joking to put up with this....tell him to F off in no uncertain terms you are under valuing yourself here

I know this is late advice now but assuming you have dumped him (I’m actually assuming you probably haven’t) then be careful op - your comment that he’d harm the new partner of his ex wife suggests he’s dangerously controlling. He won’t like it that you’ve chosen to leave him , even despite the fact that he never really cared much about you (that much is obvious from his behaviour towards you). If he threatens you at all, take it seriously and report it to the police.

Thank you all again for your responses. No I'm not afraid to be on my own as there is less heart ache on your own. I just feel emotionally drained with it all. He said he would like to spend a couple of hours with me and my kids on Christmas day but I've told him not to bother as he is spending Christmas day with his wife and 21 year old child and I didn't want to get any abuse from them as it will be my first Christmas with out my father. But I'm telling him not to bother with me at all. I don't think he will be bothered by this because he still has his wife and his female attention with his lady friend from the pub so I know I will be no loss. I'm just sitting here beating myself up that I've been stupid enough to put up with all this but like I've said in previous threads I lost my dad this year and have felt a little lost. He does like to be in control as I've seen this. I don't understand why he still is married to his wife even though they have been seperated for nearly 6 years now. He always puts it across as he is a loving person as he would still protect his wife even though there not together as that is what real blokes do so he says. But I just feel so mixed up at the moment and suffering with depression isn't helping me. But I can't thank you all enough with your advice. ...

21 year old child
A 21 year old is an adult, not a child.

You're just going to drive yourself mad wondering why he does what he does...as someone upthread said - stop communicating with him, he's lying to you, gaslighting you, manipulating you. He will never change.

He's 'willing' to throw you a couple of hours of his time on Christmas Day and spend the majority of the day with his wife - he's using his son as an excuse, seriously, he wants to be with his wife.

My DP has an ex-wife...if he ever left me on my own to spend Christmas Day with her, I would be gone.

Please stop communicating with him, just cut him out, he doesn't deserve you and you deserve better, start believing that.

Lady.... you're doing the right thing for you and your Children... do not give this man the room to destroy your kind generous soul.... tell him to piss off and enjoy your time focusing on what is important to YOU.. and well done for seeing him for what he is and what he does....