Has your partner ever put his hands on you

[Inezmacbeth]

Last night my husband got mad st something I said, walked up to me, grabbed me hard by my wrists and shook me and then threw me on the bed and grabbed my throat. I can't really remember what he was saying cause I was so shocked ..at one point I was coughing and struggling cause he put pressure on my windpipe.
I remember he yelled at me for doing one of my OCD rituals in the bathroom (it's something I struggle with, and I'm sensitive about). I wanted to chuck the bottle of moisturizer at his head but I took a few breathes and instead said something really stupid like "go put your head in the toilet and flush it" or smthg equally as mature and witty.
And he friggin attacked me.

I'm just shook and shocked and angry. At first I thought he was joking because this is SO out of character for him.

He tried apologizing this morning, but I'm really angry still. I grew up in a home prone to violence and I've done a lot of work on myself and I don't wanna go back to being afraid of speaking for fear someone will assault me like it was as a kid.
I don't even know what to think. Here I thought I'd married a man who would never hurt me, and I guess I was wrong?

Call womens aid or the police. Tell him to move out. He could have killed you, still could. This is serious.

Really sorry you had to go through that and your childhood. You should go and speak to the police, although I know how hard that will be. Do you have anyone you can stay with for a while to get away from him?

I. So so sorry that happened OP but I or he would be gone. You don't want that life. You know you don't. So please choose not to. Someone else will have better advice but did t want to read and run.

I'm so sorry. You need to leave or get him to leave. That is extreme violence, not a one off split second lashing out in anger. If this really is completely out of character for him (how long have you been together?) then he should realise the enormity of what he's done and want to seek help. Also he was mocking your illness - doesn't sound like a great guy to me?

If he's defensive or minimising then what you've just seen is the real him, no question.

You're really not safe with this man, really. Get some advice from Women's Aid on how best to get away from him. I'm so sorry to read this.

Gosh, really sorry that happened. I think you need to sit and have a proper think about the future of your relationship. Do you want to feel scared he raises his voice? Do you want to flinch when he comes near you? Because that could really happen. He is unpredictable and violent and dangerous. Can you stay with a friend if you are scared of asking him to leave?

That is NOT acceptable behaviour in the slightest.

GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT - NOW!!!!
Chocking a partner is the the BIGGEST red flag there is for violent abusers.
He literally could have killed you.
Call Womens Aid and get the hell out of there as far and as fast as you can!
Report to the police as well on 101. Get it on file.
You don't have to press charges.
But if a stranger did this to you, you would be down the police station.
This is WORSE.
This is someone who is supposed to love and support you.
Not try to kill you.
Please understand the gravity of the situation.
You can stop the abuse cycle.
Do it!

Yea I wanted to leave last night but our two kids were asleep
So many men think that as long as it's not a punch or a slap or a "hit" that it's ok, but choking is a felony where I am. I don't think he realizes it's that big of a deal, he's never had to live with anyone far stronger who can just snap and attack
Anyways, thank you for the support, have not told anyone yet

Yes I'm still here as he told me he can take the children back to his non eu home country and solicitor confirmed he can so here I stay. If you are not stuck as I please get support to leave.

Once, years ago. I became violent after a huge row where I lost my shit, and he slapped me - it was the only way he could stop me from strangling him. It was a huge wake up call and I went to see a therapist about my anger issues and went on medication, which really helped. DH has never so much as thought about hitting me since.

I was in an abusive relationship before meeting DH and I was used to being beaten, raped and on eggshells all the time, so I reacted in a similar way with DH which I now see was unfair and unwarranted. He wouldn't have ever raised a hand to me if I wasn't trying to injure him.

Not so many men think that, abusive men think that

Please leave him before he does it again

Get out of there. We're all being serious. Do it.
Life is too short to spend any more time treading on eggshells and living in fear. You can do something. Either talk to him and work something out along the lines of counselling etc, or your safest bet is to run. Women's Aid is good, or call your mum/dad/sibling etc and stay with them if they're near enough. Gather up the kids ("Impromptu holiday!") and sufficient luggage, then please leave. Good luck, OP, we're all rooting for you!

Yes on many occasions during an argument. I have had dinner plates thrown directly at my face a couple of time (good job I have quick reactions). She is my ex wife now (for being a lying cheating dick) but never saw it as a reason to leave at the time. Her being violet and lashing out physically was sort of just normal to me. Maybe being male your just normalised to violence and arrgetion towards you growing up so it's like water of a ducks back. So i used to just suck it up as i knew she was a handful with problems when i married her, but i loved her dispite her faults. Doesn't make it right. No one should fear violence from their other half. But tempers can get the better of people. We all are humans and make errors. If this is out of character for him and you love him don't hit the distruct button yet. But it is a masive deal and you need to make sure he knows that. It needs to be clear this can't be tolerated and there is no 2nd chance.

Choking a partner is the the BIGGEST red flag there is for violent abusers. THAT'S why it's a felony.

Call the police if you can. Get out and stay out. He could kill you next time. And to answer the question, DH has never ever put a hostile hand on me. Ever.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners just read your post after I posted. Thanks for sharing as it takes a lot to say what you said. I wish my ex wife could have battled her demons like you did, she had a simular background to you (ironicly she left me and moved back in with the old man who did that to her as a teenager). Life is not black and white. But you can't be with someone who can't reform.

1DAD i look back now and am horrified in myself. We rarely argue these days, we bicker like most couples do but the big screaming rows we had in the early days are thankfully a thing of the past. I was conditioned to react that way by my ex, but that is no excuse and I am lucky DH was willing to give me another chance. He's not a violent man, and it genuinely upset him to slap me - but it was the right thing at the time because I had lost all reason. The slap shocked me and stopped me, and he didn't do any more than one slap. It isn't healthy to be like that all the time.

My ex wife would go nuclear over the most ridiculous things. It was amazing how angry she would get. I would never lay a finger on here and maybe that's why she would just start laying into me. I'm six foot and know how to handle my self. She half my size. I think we both know if I had ever turned on her it would be a different story, it's scary. I guess she trust that I would never hit back or maybe she wouldn't have done it. I am so happy that your story had a happy ending and you tackle your demons. Abuse can be an infectious circle of destruction. You are lucky to have your DH but also that you had the strength and intelligence to identify and fix your problems. You owned it and took responsibility for it. I wish my ex did, even if it didn't work out for us still in the end it breaks my heart that she is back in a circle of abuse.

Sorry 1Dad, I should have made my post more gender neutral , sorry for your experience, that’s so messed up.

mrspear I’m sorry, what a horrendous situation!

andnoneforgretchen

Same here , two years ago I lost my shit , I didn’t choke him but I’m still ashamed of my behaviour. it was a BIG wake up call for me that violence was so normalized for me and I had issues that couldn’t continue..I behaved like a piece of crap , and I refuse to add another abuser to my long family line. I got some help and it’ll never happen again. So if he realizes the severity, I want to be able to give him another chance, especially for the kids sake. But he really needs to realize and make SURE it doesn’t happen again.

I have to admit it added a layer of resentment because he is probably three times as strong as I am. I know it’s not ok to hit anybody , but it’s scary to realize just how vulnerable I am. So I’m torn.
When the kids go to sleep we will talk.

Inezmacbeth no need to be gender neutral. Your experience is different from mine and this is a prodemenatly female site (as per the name). It's just as a man I can only really share my experience and support. We are all capable of being beasts I guess, women can like men. But that doesn't mean you have to be gender neutral. Sex can have a part to play in how things pan out in a lot things probably both in terms of biology and socialisation. I am perfectly happy this is a woman's space.

OP - it's been said on here a hundred times; it's not the threat of choking/strangulation/cutting off the air that is the danger with hands-round-the-neck.

It's the very real threat that one of the tiny bones in the throat can be broken, and that is instant death. That is the reason why the armed forces (SAS and the like) are trained in it - silent, quick, deadly.

Don't give him the chance to do it again. You don't know how lucky you have been.

I actually didn’t know that, I thought it was just lack of air and brain damage

Oh op that's dreadful.

As I started to read your op, I thought to myself I bet he put his hands around her throat. It will only get worse but you can't imagine that now.

The first thing my ex husband did to me was lift me out of a chair with his hands around my neck. I'll never forget it.

He will start on the children eventually.

All the best.

Choking a partner is the the BIGGEST red flag there is for violent abusers.

Just repeating this. It’s so serious because it’s lethal force.

Assuming you actually have OCD, I can understand how that might cause frustrations, but I promise you, there is absolutely no excuse for violence against anyone, let alone a partner whom you should be able to trust.

It's ok to be angry and frightened. Can you speak to women's aid?

An ex boyfriend did this to me once, both drunk, stupid argument, he pinned me down and choked me, left bruises on my neck and wrists. Luckily one of my housemates heard me scream and threw him out of the house. He was very contrite the next day, we split up and then I started secretly seeing him behind my friends' backs because I didn't want them to know what an idiot I was staying with him. In the end I left him because he lied about giving up smoking! Ridiculous that my line in the sand wasn't the choking, but the smoking!

If I had known that it was such a strong indicator of further abuse I would never have got back with him. Please leave Inez, this man is dangerous, to you and your DCs. At the very least you need some space and he needs some professional help before you consider whether you can have a future with him