Can it ever work when you despise his friends?

[Pombliboo123]

This might get long...

DO and I together for 4 years, met his friends a few times early on and we didn't get on straight from the bat. They were unhappy that their "boy" was in a relationship and not out every weekend anymore.

Pretty much hardly saw them after the first few months, he went out with them more often than I would have liked but I never saw them.

Various issues over the years... they've all been friends since school and DP is too afraid to stand up to them or say no to things. He will lie and say he has to work rather than just say he doesn't want to go and get pissed that weekend because they will also him off and call him a kissy, under the thumb, putting me over them etc etc

They encourage him to make bad choices. I know he is an adult with his own mind but he seems so constantly desperate for their approval that he just goes along with things. Pathetic really. In the past this has included drugs (before I came along), encouraging him to crash at their place rather than come home to me (they know how much I hate him not coming home), inviting him places when they know we have something on and slagging him off when he says he can't etc etc etc

They are vile towards women. Having seen their "lads group chat"... some of the things they say are just disgusting.

I hate them. I feel like DP has 2 personalities, the one he is with me who is cute and sweet and funny (and lazy!!!! - definitely not perfect by any stretch) and some dumb little sheep who laughs along with them.

Fast forward to now ... we broke up a few months ago. I moved out. Later found out they encouraged him too because they thought I wouldn't let him go on a lads holiday (honestly I would have not been happy about him going away with them yo magaluf anyway)

We continued to see each other, but he hasn't told them... turns off his location on Snapchat when hes at mine so they can't see, says he's at his mum's when they ask why he isn't going out etc... purely because they are going to be angry with him for spending time with me over them.

All they want to do is get drunk, every weekend and I know DP doesn't enjoy it (compared to what he used too several years ago) but goes anyway so they don't start their shit.

It can never ever work with them in the picture. If he wanted to propose (not staying he would or does) ... he wouldn't because he woukd never hear the end of it. One of the more sensible friends has just had a baby and they've been nothing but awful about it... complaining that he won't come out whilst his girlfriend is due to give birth in 3 weeks etc....

I don't know why I'm posting. I know the answer I guess. I love him, and wish that he had decent, grown up, mature friends who encouraged him to grow as a person instead of acting like an 18 years old at nearly 30.

He wanted to join the armed forces a while back and when he told them they shagged him off that too so he didn't apply in the end, so they are holding him back.

I do know that the problem is him not having the balls to stand up to them and tell them to fuck off but it's like he's scared of them or something.

Sigh.

Your BF is still a boy, he's still a lad and hasnt grown up.

Right or wrong you shouldnt make a person chose between the relationship and his friends. It will come across as controlling. If you dont like his friends then leave him to find a poor girl that will put up with it.
You dont sound happy and he doesnt either, it's a non starter.

Your an optimist.
You're not actually in love with the man you have. You're in love with the man he could be.
You've given him the opportunity to step up to bring that person over and over, and he didn't. He stepped away from you instead. He has actually made a choice, you just haven't accepted it is who he is and that he doesn't value your relationship enough to change.
Move on. Don't look for a fixer up, look for someone who is already that person.

Thread like this few weeks back with genders reversed. Ops husband didn't approve of her friends actions on nights oit and the situations she gets them in. And is her husband being unreasonable too express his dislike for their next night out.

He was called controlling, none of his business, she's a grown adult and has a mind of her own and doesn't mean op will act like her friend.

Isn't it sad that people are so quick to slate the man.....even when it's clear as day that his GF/DW is wrong.

Such a double standard...

I agree with Kungfu and Sandy. You sound controlling. Maybe that's why they don't like you.

It isn't a problem that you don't like his friends, it's a problem that you don't want him to see them, spend time with them, socialise with them or talk to them. That's the problem.

I don't believe the BS of 'show me your friends and I'll show you the real you' what a load of bollocks. I've got friends who do things I absolutely wouldn't, just because I'm friend with them doesn't mean I'm the exact same person, it just means I see the good in them and whilst u don't agree with some of the things they do, it isn't my place to tell them what they can and can't say or do.

Blokes take the piss, all the blokes I know take the piss out of their friends if they don't go out and usually play the line of being under the thumb because it's an easy wind up, they don't actually mean it.

I think you need to let him find someone who will accept his friends are a part of his life and let him be who is when he is with them.

I agree with Kungfu and Sandy. You sound controlling. Maybe that's why they don't like you

To clarify.... I don't think the OP is wrong in this scenario.... I wouldn't want a man with friends like this....a man who won't apply for a job because his friends will miss him. Not a chance.

I just meant the double standard in general on MN where men are concerned.

Wow. This took a turn... as things on mumsnet often do

Please do tell where you think I'm controlling?

In regards to all the other advice... I'm going to cool off and really think about what I want... go to the event together since I have been looking forward to it since February and regardless of anything else, do enjoy his company and then I think it's time for a big chat when we get back.

Also to clarify, I would never make him choose... I get that friends are incredible important and he's admitted that things would probably be different if they were all settled down but they aren't. If he wants to pretend to be 18 for another few years then so be it

I have said to him that he can;t go on forever seeking their approval or he'll end up 50, still going out clubbing every weekend, probably a borderline alcoholic with nothing left but them

^^
You can't go on forever otherwise YOU will be 50 tied to a clubbing borderline alcoholic.

Get out now, while you still have time.

Unless it’s a like for like comparison and OP was being a twat with her friends, I don’t think people can compare it being a gender thing. (But then you’d hardly post on here that you were a twat when you’re with your mates)
In this instance, in my opinion, OP has every right to be upset and angry. And also to have received the support and advice that she has.

In reality I will tell him my feelings and he will belittle them

I'm afraid this sentance alone is enough to make him a bad long term prospect