Can it ever work when you despise his friends?

[Pombliboo123]

This might get long...

DO and I together for 4 years, met his friends a few times early on and we didn't get on straight from the bat. They were unhappy that their "boy" was in a relationship and not out every weekend anymore.

Pretty much hardly saw them after the first few months, he went out with them more often than I would have liked but I never saw them.

Various issues over the years... they've all been friends since school and DP is too afraid to stand up to them or say no to things. He will lie and say he has to work rather than just say he doesn't want to go and get pissed that weekend because they will also him off and call him a kissy, under the thumb, putting me over them etc etc

They encourage him to make bad choices. I know he is an adult with his own mind but he seems so constantly desperate for their approval that he just goes along with things. Pathetic really. In the past this has included drugs (before I came along), encouraging him to crash at their place rather than come home to me (they know how much I hate him not coming home), inviting him places when they know we have something on and slagging him off when he says he can't etc etc etc

They are vile towards women. Having seen their "lads group chat"... some of the things they say are just disgusting.

I hate them. I feel like DP has 2 personalities, the one he is with me who is cute and sweet and funny (and lazy!!!! - definitely not perfect by any stretch) and some dumb little sheep who laughs along with them.

Fast forward to now ... we broke up a few months ago. I moved out. Later found out they encouraged him too because they thought I wouldn't let him go on a lads holiday (honestly I would have not been happy about him going away with them yo magaluf anyway)

We continued to see each other, but he hasn't told them... turns off his location on Snapchat when hes at mine so they can't see, says he's at his mum's when they ask why he isn't going out etc... purely because they are going to be angry with him for spending time with me over them.

All they want to do is get drunk, every weekend and I know DP doesn't enjoy it (compared to what he used too several years ago) but goes anyway so they don't start their shit.

It can never ever work with them in the picture. If he wanted to propose (not staying he would or does) ... he wouldn't because he woukd never hear the end of it. One of the more sensible friends has just had a baby and they've been nothing but awful about it... complaining that he won't come out whilst his girlfriend is due to give birth in 3 weeks etc....

I don't know why I'm posting. I know the answer I guess. I love him, and wish that he had decent, grown up, mature friends who encouraged him to grow as a person instead of acting like an 18 years old at nearly 30.

He wanted to join the armed forces a while back and when he told them they shagged him off that too so he didn't apply in the end, so they are holding him back.

I do know that the problem is him not having the balls to stand up to them and tell them to fuck off but it's like he's scared of them or something.

Sigh.

can he really be just as much of an arsehole as them and been putting on a pretty good act for the last 4 years?!

Maybe not as much ... but pretty close. If he disapproved of their antics...he'd cut ties with them.

No sensible grown up adult doesn't apply for a job because of their immature friends.

You don't have a future with him. .... and funny make the mistake of having a child with him.

My DD is applying for 6th form schools/colleges at the moment. She's 15 .... despite missing friends... She's choosing not to stay on at her school...leaving some friends she's known since she was 4 years old..... She's looked at a place with better A level results... and you have a 29 year old who can't do the same.

Stop wasting your time with him.

Do you think if you could just find the right words to "tell" him he will understand and change his fundamental self ?

Not gonna happen

You don’t need to make any rash decisions about your future with him right now but keep talking and thinking on it.
Ask yourself what you’re prepared to accept / compromise on if you want to keep the relationship going. Ask yourself in 2/5/10 years where you want to be and if this guy is the one you want to be sharing that life with.
Good luck OP!

Sorry crossed over with your post - good, I’m glad you want to end it. Good luck x

Thanks all :)

We are still living apart - so right about not having to make a decision right now. We have a weekend away soon for an event - going to get that done with as it cost a lot of money and the tickets will go to waste and then make a decision before Christmas Ii think.

I just want him to know the reason why it'll never work. Now i'm being incredibly immature but I think I hope in 10 years time he will look back and say god I really let a good one go for the bunch of wankers.

In reality I will tell him my feelings and he will belittle them and tell me I just don't want him to have any friends and then he'll go on a week long bender with them and continue to do that every weekend forever. He'll probably start taking drugs with them again as well as he wont have my wrath to deal with anymore.

If we were to get married (HA) ... how would that work? It wouldn't... I wouldn't want any of those bastards there, my mum wouldnt come as she hates him so it would be his parents and that would be about it.

I would end up looking after a baby alone every weekend, whilst he carried on this behavior and I would resent him even more.

I think you are right about wanting the best of both worlds. Wants to be one of the lads, wants a sweet girl at home to cuddle with and go out for dinner with and I'm not prepared to put up with that forever I guess.

I think I've convinced myself that it will be the same with anyone, but I got on really well with my ex's friends who were normal adults.

He sounds like a wet blanket. You also deserve far more than being someone's secret girlfriend.

Hopefully you'll get away from this one and find someone who has decent friends and who can stand up for themselves.

He sounds weak-willed and immature. He needs to learn who he is and what he stands for before sorting his life out, and you can't be on hold until this happens. He might be a great guy at some point, but I'm afraid that the guy he is now, is not the guy for you.

I think people are being a bit harsh about the particulars, but ultimately their point is correct: your boyfriend isn’t going to change.

I don’t think it’s about faking some hugely different personality to keep you around. I think there’s the person your dp wants to be - the man he is around you - and the person it’s easy for him to be - who he is around his friends.

We all have those moments where we swear off drinking, or eating chocolates, or Facebook stalking and can go weeks working out every day and blow drying our hair. Then we just... stop. We lose energy. We all have moments (or at least I do) where we drink too much and forget our work passes three days in a row. I’m sure he’s the same. He’s trying to grow into the man he is with you, but it’s just so easy to hang out with his loser friends. He doesn’t have to work; he doesn’t have to try to be better.

But I always think, if you’re uncomfortable every time your dp goes out, that’s no way to live. If he’s dragging you down, you’ll hate yourself for putting up with it. You can’t make him like you - not as together, not as mature, not as ambitious. Maybe someday he’ll get there, but don’t put your own goals in jeapordy trying to drag him up with you.

I don't think he is faking, it's just that most people aren't wankers all of the time. People are usually as much of a wanker as they can get away with. With you, right now, that's not so much much. But once you're married with kids, watch the other side of him emerge.

It's a red flag, because usually our friends are people we like, meaning they have values we admire, or see as being like ourselves.

Hence one or all of those things are true for him about his friends, and that says something not very attractive about him really.

Never take on a man as a project. Seeing "potential" is also a red flag, because what it really means is that you've fallen for an imagined version of him rather than the person he really is right now. Of course everyone changes as they get older but a good rule of thumb is to imagine if he stayed exactly like he is now forever, would you be happy? Don't bank on future changes because there is no guarantee they will happen, and usually, they don't.

This is fantastic:

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/dropping-the-illusion-of-words-to-be-action-focused-in-your-relationships/

This too:

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/betting-on-potential-are-you-gambling-on-a-relationship-capacity-that-doesnt-exist/

LTB. Almost as bad as having no friends at all, in my opinion.

he’s not got two personalities.. he is one of those idiots. dump him and find someone who has grown up. the alternative is you end up the controlling old nag who doesn’t ‘let’ him behave like a knob. seriously, save yourself the grief.

Sounds like a boy I went out with when I was 16-17, he 17-18. I deeply regret putting up with that sh*t then, and there's no reason why a grown up woman should have to date a silly little overgrown baby. Hope you find someone nicer who has decent friends and who puts you first.

I knew my DH was a keeper when I met his university friends. Not a 'Men Behaving Badly' type lad among them, just a bunch of sweet polite geeky types who could bore for England when it came to Tomb Raider.

At some stage you have to accept that a DP's friends show you something about your DP.

in 10 years time he will look back and say god I really let a good one go for the bunch of wankers.

In ten years time you won’t care. Get rid now.

I had this with exh when I met him in his late 20s. They will all meet someone and settle down in the next few years and drop him then he will feel stupid for putting them before you.

n reality I will tell him my feelings and he will belittle them and tell me I just don't want him to have any friends and then he'll go on a week long bender with them and continue to do that every weekend forever. He'll probably start taking drugs with them again as well as he wont have my wrath to deal with anymore

In that case he's far more like his friends than you've ever wanted to admit.

It's interesting that your mum hates him, OP. Do you get on with your mum? Parents are often right about this sort of thing...

Oh, and, obviously, what everyone else said!

The hard part is telling him that
You don't need to.
He already knows!
He belittles your feelings
He doesn't respect your opinions
He puts vile friends before you
Your mum hate him.
Sounds like she's go the measure of him and you haven't.
Listen to your mother.
She's right - he's an asshole!
And YOU can do much much better.
And don't think for 1 second he isn't taking drugs with them!

Hes playing you off against each other so he can enjoy being the victim. He probably tells them what an unreasonable bitch you are, then tells you all bad things about them too. Enjoys having people fighting over him. You mark my words.

Id walk away. You can tell a man by the company he keeps

He does indeed sound like a total wet lettuce. I’m sure he can be lovely but he’s weak and immature and these are not good character traits in a partner.

Over the next 5-10 years many of his friends may start to settle down and have families, it doesn’t mean they will turn into good people though.

OP, if you want to give things one last try would it be worth encouraging him to get more friends (i.e. new ones), and also persue his dream of joining the armed forces (which would give him loads of new friends too)? Because it's not him having mates that's the issue, it's these wankers. Have you asked him why it is that he moans about them, doesn't want to spend much time with them, and has let them negatively influence his career choice? I'm just wondering what his answers would be. But then again I agree with PPs who've said you can judge a person on the company they keep, he's weak so why bother.

Riding has picked up exactly what I also think.

If you think he is likely to belittle your feelings, you have your answer..he will not change.

I actually think fake behaviour is very possible.My stbxh masked who he was until we married.The switching off his location is a warning sign of manipulative behaviour as he is very happy to be deceptive.

Big red flags there..not showing you and his friends who he really is is something my counsellor warned about as its predictive of problematic future behaviour.

I don't get some of these responses.

Thread like this few weeks back with genders reversed. Ops husband didn't approve of her friends actions on nights oit and the situations she gets them in. And is her husband being unreasonable too express his dislike for their next night out.

He was called controlling, none of his business, she's a grown adult and has a mind of her own and doesn't mean op will act like her friend.

Yet I've seen on her when it's post like yours OP, posters are quick to point out they couldn't be with a man who kept company like that and too leave him.

It's like different advice when it's different genders.