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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner has kicked me

53 replies

BringMeSunshinePlease · 08/11/2017 18:12

DP and I have a fairly volatile relationship. I love him and can't stay angry for long but we do row a lot.

I'm sorry this post may be a bit vague or bitty, not intentional but my head is all over the place at the moment.

He has two children and I don't find the step relationship very easy. I have mild mental health issues and I'm trying to work through without drugs.

He lost his temper during a row about the eldest child. He kicked me as I was walking away, full pelt on my hip. He's a big, strong man and it really hurt. He then went crazy, yelling and ranting.

I'm so confused and hurt. I don't have a clue what to do. I cannot move out of our home as my finances are tied up here and he can't move out either.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 08/11/2017 19:12

People don’t just behave violently once. This will happen again. You have to get out.

Have you got friends or family who could help? Women’s aid are brilliant too.

PurpleDaisies · 08/11/2017 19:13

Do you think he’s sorry? From what you’ve said it doesn’t sound like it

MrsHathaway · 08/11/2017 19:29

I agree. If he hasn't even tried to ring or text you, then:

  1. He doesn't care about you.
  2. He isn't sorry.
  3. It won't be the last time.

Ducks in a row time. Even if he is perfectly lovely from now on (Hmm unlikely) it's prudent not to be too enmeshed.

Justlovingbeingamum · 08/11/2017 20:22

So sorry to hear youre in this situation OP. Its definitely domestic abuse, and you likely will be much better off without this man in your life.

Just because your money is there with him doesn't mean that it can't be regained. Even if you never get it back, you can find ways to make your money back up. Please don't feel like you are trapped, there is so much help out there. Definitely contact Women's Aid as other posters have suggested.

He has no right to treat you this way, he is supposed to love and respect him, and this is not how that is done xx

Justlovingbeingamum · 08/11/2017 20:23

supposed to love and respect you that should say, not him!!

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 08/11/2017 20:29

Sweet, next time he'll hurt you worse, because you are a weak target.
Please call the Police, do it now.

Mxyzptlk · 08/11/2017 20:47

he lashed out and somehow kicked my hip.

Somehow = lifting his leg up and giving you a massive thump. It was completely deliberate and he's not sorry.

If you mean that you are joint owners of the house, you are entitled to insist on the house being sold to get your money back.

Please speak to Women's Aid about what happened and what to do.

Ohdearducks · 08/11/2017 20:56

Call the police please and have him removed, there must be some law that can keep him out of the house even if he has a legal right to be there, they can’t expect you to live with someone you’ve reported for domestic abuse surely?
This is not love, would you ever kick someone you love? That would be abhorrent wouldn’t it? This is no different.

PortiaCastis · 08/11/2017 21:14

Look OP please take this advice from one who managed to just about get away.
The first kick or punch yes you think it'll never happen again if he comes back he'll be sorry until the next time and time again so please don't be me just leave or ring for advice before anything else happens.
I forgave ex so many times until I suffered a broken arm and facial injuries and had to grab dd and run from him in the night. So no don't let things happen like that, get rid or phone Womens Aid as they can help you they did me and I'm now safe so do it now please and don't be me

Pollydonia · 08/11/2017 21:16

Police or leave and don't look back. The first time is NEVER the last time Flowers

MorrisZapp · 08/11/2017 21:19

It wasn't the first time. OP says it's happened before.

Dragongirl10 · 08/11/2017 21:20

It is abuse op however it may feel and if you stay one day you may have children and then you will find it much harder to leave....go now, find someone who treats you with love and kindness.

Pollydonia · 08/11/2017 21:29

So he is already normalizing the behaviour- I say again police or leave.

BlackeyedSusan · 08/11/2017 23:16

not surprised it does not feel like a domestic violence relationship. but it is. you are used to it. it is your normal. your brain gangs up on you to make it seem not that bad. been there done that.

work on leaving. leave soon.

CaledonianQueen · 09/11/2017 03:22

I bet you would feel a lot less anxious away from your violent partner! As someone who suffers from anxiety and is on a pretty high dose of anti anxiety meds I find that the things I would normally worry about are numbed. I still feel joy, happiness, love and other emotions. It may be trial and error in finding the right medication. One thing is for sure, no amount of natural remedies will stop the building fear and anxiety when you are waiting for your abusive partner to walk through the door!

There are places you can go, call woman's aid, there will be a woman's refuge and yes you are in an abusive relationship! You have just as much right to use a woman's refuge, as any other victim of domestic abuse! I bet he is also financially, emotionally and psychologically abusive! Perhaps even sexually abusive! Coercive control and emotional abuse are a crime now! Please contact the police! Or at least go to your g.p and have him/her document the bruising, or even just confide about your abusive relationship! There is help out there! You just have to take the next step! Call woman's aid, make an appointment with your g.p, call the police! You are stronger than you know, you can do this!!!

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 09/11/2017 04:29

What handbag says ++

It may not 'feel' like domestic violence... Often many women think this/are made to think this by their abusers .. at the beginning..

This is vile... AND domestic violence...

He hasn't made ANY attempt to apologise.. Therfore he THINKS THIS ACCEPTABLE.

It's not a mild lashing out.... And you accidentally got caught up(still unacceptable) ...

He followed you and intentionally raised his whole leg up to assault you..

This will not get better....

It will worsen...

I've worked with survivors... It's such a common start to a lifetime of scary domestic violence.

You are worth so much more
Please speak to women's aid /local women's refuge.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 09/11/2017 04:33

PS I'd be amazed if your anxiety.doesnt in a large part stem from living with a violent man....

Many women don't make the link.... It's in their abusers' best interest to attribute the blame for anxiety as something 'within' the women... The women are 'faulty', in some way... Not as a result of their abuse...

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/11/2017 04:42

The black eyes you see in DV posters do happen but are a tiny tiny minority of injuries by abusers. Because if abusive men hit your face, someone would say something or do something. No one can see your hip so unless you tell someone, he gets away with it.

You were walking away. He wasn’t feeling threatened or scared or anything that would remotely explain this. He was angry and wanted to hurt you.

SandyY2K · 09/11/2017 06:14

End the relationship. His violence will only make your condition worse.

Only weak pathetic men hit and attack women.... It's not acceptable and continuing the relationship will make him feel it's okay.

Original poster
BringMeSunshinePlease · 10/11/2017 08:47

Thanks all so much. I've read all of your messages and there's some amazing support.

I know the best thing to do is to leave, I knew this immediately. My finances are complicated so I need to untangle myself first and that will take some time.

His reaction is very strange. He's not in the least bit bothered and typically he's blaming me for making him do it. He's said he's never felt angry like he does with me and in his 40+ years he's never done anything like this before. From all i've read this is typical abusers behaviour. What a bloody mess!

OP posts:
corythatwas · 10/11/2017 08:53

"He's not in the least bit bothered and typically he's blaming me for making him do it. He's said he's never felt angry like he does with me and in his 40+ years he's never done anything like this before,"

If being around you "makes" him commit assault, there is only one solution to that problem.

Pacificly · 10/11/2017 09:59

Agree with pp if he 'blames you' for his abusive actions he should be at least horrified with himself and realise its unhealthy to stay in this relationship if that's the type of behaviour he displays. He should be too scared to continue seeing you as that isn't the type of man he'd want to be.

Of course if he's not bothered and is just using 'blaming you' as an excuse to ignore and minimize abuse to perfectly set up for further incidents of abuse. Like an immature man sized toddler blaming a sibling " it was her fault she made made me do it mammy'

ptumbi · 10/11/2017 10:39

It doesn't 'feel' like DV? Because you don't have a black eye and split lip? But you do have a black hip and mental scars from the previous times?

Yes, it's DV. Angry

He's said he's never felt angry like he does with me and in his 40+ years he's never done anything like this before. - he's blaming you. It's your fault for making him angry. Angry

And in any case, if he feels that way, it's best if you split, right?

FGS run. Now. Before he gets worse.

See a solicitor about your finances.

HerOtherHalf · 10/11/2017 10:49

I know the best thing to do is to leave, I knew this immediately. My finances are complicated so I need to untangle myself first and that will take some time.

The thing to do immediately is report the assaults to the police and seek to have him removed from the house and legally restrained from any contact with you.The you can sort yourself out for the longer term safe in the knowledge you won't be attacked in your own home at the drop of a hat.

KarenW · 10/11/2017 13:13

agree with HerOtherHalf completely! well said.

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