DAILY MAIL Headline, 16 April 2007
BRITAIN OVERWHELMED BY MANHOOD CRISIS!!!
It's penis-nomenal!!
Yesterday the government held a news conference to "tackle" Britain's newest burgeoning problem: supersize tadgers!
Dept. of Health spokesperson, Finn Zover said "This is has major repercussions for all of society. Birth rates are plummeting because women are put off of the growing size of the average Englishman's penis. Illegal immigration is soaring as women from around the world want to see for themselves. Male foreign nationals sneak into our country, too, in the misguided hope that their sons will develop big organs just from something in the local environment."
The problem has existed among the Afro-Carribean community for decades. African men just laughed at AIDS campaigners who gave them eeny-weeny condoms -- "Is this what the average American man wears? This wouldn't fit on my baby son!" many commented.
The mother of one sufferer spoke. "When he was a baby", Zoe Blowy said, "my son had a normal size dinky. But when he was ten it was already man-size. Now he's 16 and has to take his bits everywhere in a wheelbarrow. My husband is only ordinary sized and he's so embarassed to have a son who looks 'different' from him". At this point Zoe broke down in tears and had to be led from the room.
The cause of the growing number of oversized willies is unclear. Some blame the water, others say it's Fruitshoots. However, THE MAIL can exclusively reveal a historical and genetic cause that health officials have shockingly overlooked. We all know about the reputation the Welsh have for relations with sheep, right? WELL, what do you think drove them to such desperate measures, eh? EH??!!
Religious leaders are divided on the crisis. Jewish Rabbis say: "A man must not spill his seed in vain. So if these men cannot find a partner, they may violate God's law. We think maybe infant circumcisions need to be more brutal".
But the Catholic church welcomed the news. Cardinal Redbottom said "We welcome such brothers into the priesthood. Very endowed men should not see themselves as afflicted but designated by God for a life of celibacy".
The Army also sees this development as a benefit. General Harry Brickchest said "We all know that the Army with the biggest cojones wins the battle".