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Original poster

Can you ever really forgive and trust someone who has lied to you numerous times?

55 replies

Tillydog2003 · 07/11/2017 19:52

Just that really!
My OH has betrayed me so many times and I’ve let it slide.....to a certain extent!
This time it has really hit me hard as I thought we’d turned a corner, I asked him to leave as I just couldn’t bear to face him.
We have an almost 2yr old and all I want is a good, decent family for him and I feel guilty that his dad has turned out to be such a let down.
I can can never trust him, I don’t respect him and I feel like shit.

OP posts:
Battleax · 08/11/2017 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MNHQ
YetAnotherHelenMumsnet · 08/11/2017 20:15

Hi all,
Just to say that we have made several deletions, not because people were seeking to offend (or so we believe) but just because one of the words used has been discussed on MN before and we concluded that it's one to avoid because its origins are disablist.

mustbemad17 · 08/11/2017 20:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Justlovingbeingamum · 08/11/2017 20:27

Once can be viewed as a mistake, anything after that becomes a choice! Its so hard when you love someone to walk away, and theres always that hope that itll be the last time, but sadly I don't think this man is going to change :(

mustbemad17 · 08/11/2017 20:32

OP has he ever said why he feels the need to lie to you or do you just assume it's the 'nagging partner' scenario? My ex told me that he lied because he 'couldn't be bothered to tell me the truth' - not really sure what that actually means tbh! He never really lied about anything major, it was always pathetic little lies!!

Original poster
Tillydog2003 · 09/11/2017 06:42

He lies about finances, we’ve had a really hard year, there’s been problems with his jobs, his boss never paid him on time so we had to borrow money each month to pay mortgages etc then he lost his job, he’s lied about smoking numerous times, I’m not fussed about him smoking but he kept denying it even though I could smell it on him all the time, the smoking didn’t bother me but I asked him to buy tobacco and make it last rather than spending £10 on a packet of fags....he continued to buy fags whilst I was borrowing money off my parents to keep up with the bills. The reason I kicked him out was that I found out he’d basically stolen money off me to buy fags, not once but 5 times! Over the space of a month, it just crushed me. He said he was going to pay it back and he was in a bad place with the work stuff and he just didn’t think.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tillydog2003 · 09/11/2017 06:44

When I say he stole money it wasn’t like out of a joint bank account, he took one of my contactless credit cards that I always leave on the side, it wasn’t a joint credit card, it was mine.

OP posts:
AutumnTreesThroughTheWindow · 09/11/2017 07:02

Can you ever really forgive and trust someone who has lied to you numerous times?

No.

And, more importantly, why would you want to?

Original poster
Tillydog2003 · 09/11/2017 07:15

Because I’m too nice and I always want to give him the benefit of the doubt that he will never do it again.

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 09/11/2017 07:20

@Tillydog2003

This:

www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-unified-theory-of-cake/

BackInTheRoom · 09/11/2017 07:22

I think you've got this round the wrong way. The question isn't why does he lie (because he can) it's why do you put up with it? 🤔

namechange2222 · 09/11/2017 07:32

I think lying is a characteristic from a very young age. Ex lied when he had no need to. It was a result of low self esteem I believe ( he came across as narcissistic in a lot of behaviours though)
I honestly think it made him feel more powerful to know something that I didn't. When found out, it almost gave him a buzz, he used to have this horrible little smirk. I used to act as if I believed him when he lied and he hated that.
Forty years from meeting him, No they don't change imo.
Look around you at other people you know, Do you know any who you just don't always believe when they tell you something? And do you know others who you automatically believe will be telling you the truth? Neither really change in a lifetime ( except of course to answer does my bum look big in this!)
I think dishonesty is part of someones's personality

Original poster
Tillydog2003 · 09/11/2017 07:49

He’s messed up, grew up in a violent, manipulative, lying environment. He’s been put on medication for anxiety/depression as he was feeling so low about the work situation/us not being in a particularly good place, he has very low self esteem, low self worth but then why make yourself feel even lower by hurting your family?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tillydog2003 · 09/11/2017 07:51

He was also examined for adhd when he was in his teens but apparently nothing much came from it.
I’m no doctor but I’d say he’s got some personality disorder or maybe he’s just narcissistic

OP posts:
mustbemad17 · 09/11/2017 08:24

Yikes okay, they are pretty big lies. And to take a card that isn't his is just petty theft!! He's basically prioritising his fags over his family. Nice. Yeah boot him

BackInTheRoom · 09/11/2017 08:34

@Tillydog2003 Until you stop making excuses for him, you'll be stuck in this mindset of putting up with shit. He lies and cheats because you allow it because you're convinced his problems are to blame. Fundamental he knows the difference between right and wrong? He knows what vows he made? So why does he do this? Because he can. Op I feel for you, it's a hideous state to be in 💐

Original poster
Tillydog2003 · 09/11/2017 09:06

I feel like crap and I know I’m minimising the situation because for some reason I’m scared to do the inevitable

OP posts:
BackInTheRoom · 09/11/2017 18:49

@Tillydog2003 How's your day been?

Original poster
Tillydog2003 · 10/11/2017 08:13

Hi bibbidee,

I’m alright thanks, at the end of the day I can only blame myself for being unhappy, I have a choice, I’m not stuck in any sense.
Feel like I’m just biding my time at the moment.
I’ve basically told him that I see him in a completely different light now, my feelings have changed and I’m not sure I can work through things this time. He’s said he doesn’t care if I have bad feelings towards him as he ‘knows’ he can ‘prove’ himself and make me like him again, he just wants to be with me Hmm

OP posts:
TalkinBoutWhat · 10/11/2017 08:30

'Prove' himself? How the hell does he do that? He's got to really want to change, and not just for you, but for himself as well. He needs to want to be a reliable, truthful partner and a reliable, truthful dad. He needs to seek therapy to dig out why he's doing these behaviours. He's got to REALLY look at himself, and it will be fucking painful for him. If he's willing to do THAT, then there is a small chance that he can come good.

If he just wants to 'be good' to 'prove' it to you, then basically he's just going to lie that little bit better, be on slightly better behaviour long enough until he's got you back and then will revert back to the lying arse that he has been.

mrsreynolds · 10/11/2017 08:57

Oh fgs!
Get some self respect and tell him it's over.
I wonder what he will have to do to make you come to your senses?
Steal from your child?
Commit a crime?

And yes I do have experience of this with a family member and no they don't change!

I feel sorry for your child. You have a choice. She doesn't.

BackInTheRoom · 10/11/2017 09:22

He’s said he doesn’t care if I have bad feelings towards him as he ‘knows’ he can ‘prove’ himself and make me like him again, he just wants to be with me 

So he is basically minimised your feelings and is saying he can control you. Mmmm that's naice.

He really is 'spesh'!

Original poster
Tillydog2003 · 10/11/2017 09:35

I really don’t think there’s any reason to feel sorry my child! He’s a good dad.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/11/2017 09:53

How is this person ever a good dad?. Women in poor relationships (and this person did target you really and saw something within you that he can and has indeed exploited to his own ends) often write such denying guff when they themselves can say nothing positive about him.

You wrote initially that "I can never trust him, I don’t respect him and I feel like shit". How does that square now with him being a good dad; simply put it does not. You have a choice re this man; your child does not.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up? Think on that as well.

Justbreathing · 10/11/2017 10:39

just from the point of view of someone who themselves struggled with not owning up to the truth. I did a lot of therapy and discussed this as an issue and why I did it. very deep seated reasons. If he is willing to admit it's a deep problem with himself and seek help for it then it might get better. but you really have to want to change.