Living with someone who constantly whinges and moans

[draggeddownbythemiserablegit]

My DH is the most miserable git at home (to everyone else he's the life and soul of the party). From the minute he walks in from work he is on at the DC or me about one thing or another (insignificant things). He can't just have a bit of a tidy up without it turning into world war three. We can't have a meal together as a family without an atmosphere at the table. We never go anywhere as a whole family - I take the DC on trips without him because I can't get him to go anywhere. He wants to go abroad on holiday, something we haven't done for around 10 years, but I can't face the thought of having to spend so much time around him so I keep avoiding the subject and making excuses.

To put it simply, he sucks the joy out of everything.

We're ignoring each other this evening because, after cooking dinner, sorting washing, overseeing homework, all while he watched TV, he had a moan at me because he had to clear the kitchen table which apparently was full of my stuff (2 things - the rest belonged to the DC and him!).

I spend as much time as I possibly can away from him because the constant moaning gets me down and I don't know how much longer I can take it.

Does anyone else have or had a partner like this and how do/did you cope?

I'm hopeless with confrontation. I'm far better writing things down, I can think rationally. My brain seems to freeze in arguments. I end up crying, he changes for a bit, then things gradually go back to as they are now.

Like a previous poster said, after so many years, 21 in my case, it's a scary thought to be on my own. In the back of my mind, I know I'll be a lot happier on my own with the DC, but there are so many things to consider that it frightens me. I work from home and everything I need for my work is there (not easily portable). I don't know if I could afford the house on my own. I also work evenings which means I'm not around to taxi the DC to their activities and some of them are too far away for walking.

Maybe write down your thoughts on paper first it helps.

It sounds as if you want to leave, that's always going to be scary. Maybe discuss that with him, it could be he will move out of the house (and sometimes men act like this as they want to split but want wife to initiate) and that solves the wfh. Activities you can move to weekends, work around, not the end of the world if they can't do them.

OP: writing a list will help. Atleast one year before I left I wrote a lists of good and bad points and I showed it to a very trusted friend. She was gobsmacked at everything and said its clear the bad far outweigh the good.

I then wrote down all my fears: kids reaction, being alone, emotional fall out form him which i knew was inevitable, finances. And I worked through each one one by one, until i realised it was all FEAR, and I had to take it on the chin and think......Yes, there will be issues, yes there will be challenges, but it was better than living a life in misery.

I have tried to remain amicable with my ex because we have kids, still have a house to sell etc. My eldest asked if we could go for dinner with their dad yesterday so I agreed. Withing 90 minutes I counted he put me down over 10 times. I am patronizing, my head is so far up my arse, I have had a sense of humour bypass. All said in "jest" in a very passive way. i have no idea how I have any degree of self esteem left, but now I can accept it for him just trying to make himself feel better, and he cannot control me anymore. He ooozes negativity from every pore. Everything is too expensive or too much like hard work. Its draining, I realised last night he depletes me. He is definatly a drain (not a radiator).

You already said you are doing most things yourself (as I was) as its easier because he will just moan about it. Funny, my ex sees this as me being pig headed, alpha female and uber independent. I am not, it was over the years (21 same as you), it was easier to just get on with it myself.

If you really want to leave, if that desire is higher than the one to stay, you will.

dragged

re your comment:-
"Like a previous poster said, after so many years, 21 in my case, it's a scary thought to be on my own"

But you're pretty much alone now within your marriage aren't you?. Robin Williams once said that the worst thing in life is not to end up alone but to end up with people who make you feel alone. Also the above does smack of the "sunken costs fallacy" in relationships and that causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions. They get hung up on their sunk costs.There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.”
This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

Just marking my place......

If you're good at writing things down then write all this down - for yourself, not him. Write down your worries if you should split. Write down what stops you taking the step to leave him.

I have to agree that the kids are suffering and miserable. You have to protect them.

Make an appointment with a solicitor (first half hour free) to bash out what you can expect should you split. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Do the Freedom Programme.

Read Lundy's book

Contact Womens Aid.

You may or may not be with an abuser but the above three links should clarify that. The fact that he is the life and soul to everyone else but puts a cloud over you and the kids would suggest he may be an abuser.

Save your kids op. You may think you can put up with it but they are dependent on you to save them, they can't save themselves.

I felt like I was reading my own post , been married since 1999 but together since 1992 separated two times I gave moved out , he then brought a flat came back two years later. I am at my wits end constant complaining and moaning every night put downs etc the kids can’t bare him too . We have had no holidays in ten years , no friends together , he lies , is egotistical, moans If I buy myself anything with money I earn have always worked just is nasty towards me .

I feel like my husband just wants to make me miserable as I feel he is deeply inside. I am a very happy person but as soon as he gets on the drive it fades away thinking what sort of night am I in for , put down , my cooking not good enough or washing , I’ve been told I’m a bad mum , he doesn’t like any of my family. When we did go on holiday I never got to choose where I went I was told it’s all the same wherever you go. I helped him to where he is today with his own business which was starred by me but I get zero benefits from the business I just get treated like I don’t exist. I have tried sitting with him down to talk I have served divorce proceedings on him before but he ignored it and I didn’t follow through as I had just lost my mum to brain cancer 3 months before .
He always to other people seems to be a charmer yet I know the real him. I’ve been told I’m a taker yet I have worked full time throughout our marriage and me sorting kids too so that I am able to work as I like to be independent. He never has said he loves, me hold my hand or cuddle me he is emotionally detached. He likes people to admire him and boasts to strangers to get attention.

@Rompers71 no-one will see your posts here, you need to start your own thread. This is someone else's thread from 3 years ago.

I had one like this. I left him. I could not face the thought of retirement with him.

ZOMBIE THREAD. OP, you should start your own its much better....

Living with a whingeing presently .often negative .

Has his moments. My daughters birthdays coming up soon and mosning about it because he says she will want money .

He is negative off and on but mainly on

@Caro321

This thread is from 2017

Most people will only read the OP and reply to that.

If you need some support/advice then it would be better to start your own thread.

This feels like everything I'm thinking about at the moment. My partner has been relentlessly, grindingly negative for years. I'm a very stressful line of work, which he uses to be in and is how we met. We argue all the time because he sees the negative in everything, dislikes everyone, bickers about every opinion I ever have. Please, run. Leave. I need to do the same. Our lives mter more than some determinedly negative man's selfishness.

I have the same problem of my own boyfriend i keep get ayoning by him and he keeps moaning to i get so crazy at night that i rlly want to let him shut up his mounth

it like every night he even awake me to for no reason he everytime put his dick on me like he didnt do anything but he do i also heard my boyfriend saying girls names and he dont respect me i dont rlly line him no more he looks at other girls whille i be his girlfriend he smiles at the tv to when i said to him she might be get so many boys he smiles and act like he didnt do anything and i dont know what to do he still like me but anways he keeps moaning i told him to stop but he said no

i just want someone to be quit at night😭😭😭😭

Zombie thread from 2017