Living with someone who constantly whinges and moans

[draggeddownbythemiserablegit]

My DH is the most miserable git at home (to everyone else he's the life and soul of the party). From the minute he walks in from work he is on at the DC or me about one thing or another (insignificant things). He can't just have a bit of a tidy up without it turning into world war three. We can't have a meal together as a family without an atmosphere at the table. We never go anywhere as a whole family - I take the DC on trips without him because I can't get him to go anywhere. He wants to go abroad on holiday, something we haven't done for around 10 years, but I can't face the thought of having to spend so much time around him so I keep avoiding the subject and making excuses.

To put it simply, he sucks the joy out of everything.

We're ignoring each other this evening because, after cooking dinner, sorting washing, overseeing homework, all while he watched TV, he had a moan at me because he had to clear the kitchen table which apparently was full of my stuff (2 things - the rest belonged to the DC and him!).

I spend as much time as I possibly can away from him because the constant moaning gets me down and I don't know how much longer I can take it.

Does anyone else have or had a partner like this and how do/did you cope?

What are you planning to say to your kids when they ask you why you allowed them to be emotionally abused (because this is what you are describing) for years?

Oh, and in answer to your original question yes, but it was my dad. My mum finally separated from him 2 years ago, age 73.

Lily2007 I think I'm in a similar situation. I work 4-8pm weekdays and although I prepare the evening meal, it's down to him to dish up, do chips/rice/pasta to go with it. He never actually moans about this (oddly), it's just everything else.

We're lucky in that we have two reception rooms and we spend the evenings separately. "His" room has always got his dirty plates, cups, glasses etc. which he walks straight past on his way to bed, but then he is constantly on at the DC about the state of their rooms. I've got to the point now that I don't clear up after him (there's currently a polystyrene tray on the floor from his kebab on Sunday night). I told him years ago that he can't expect them to tidy up after themselves when he doesn't bother.

SevenStones - at least you managed to get him to go somewhere for the day. Mine won't go anywhere. I suggested a family trip to the cinema last week. He didn't want to go that night (God knows why not!) but said we'd go on Saturday. We ended up not going at all.

We do have a few money worries at the moment. Nothing major, just need to tighten our belts for a few months. But he's been like this for years, even when times are good.

BarbarianMum I keep asking myself these questions. Maybe the fact that I've written it all down here is a turning point. I can't take much more and I know it's not fair on the kids. It just seems like being grumpy is not much of a reason to leave. But, if I think of it as emotional abuse (which I agree it is because it's making me fucking depressed and obviously having an effect on the kids) then it seems more... I don't know... real? serious?

For some people I think it's a pattern of behaviour they get in to and being negative and grumpy just turns in to a habit. I couldn't live with someone like that. I presume these men haven't always been like that or you wouldn't have married them. Perhaps you have got in to the habit of always being the cheerful one whilst they are miserable.
The only way to change this is to tell them their grumpiness is no longer acceptable and that you don't want to spend the rest of your life with a misery guts.
This is completely different to someone with a depressive illness who becomes very unhappy and improves with antidepressants and reverts to normal, it's more a gradual increase in grumpy miserable behaviour.

He sounds like a disgusting slob and he doesn't moan about doing his token task because he knows in reality he is getting off lightly.

Do not sacrifice years of your children's lives to this. You spend the evenings separately - this sounds utterly miserable and will teach them nothing about good relationships.

Did you grow up seeing your parents behave similarly towards each other?.

This is both a very real and very serious situation and the way forward ultimately for your children and you is to leave this man.

You have become conditioned to his abuses of you over the years. You are in an abusive relationship and in turn your children are all too clearly seeing the effects of his abuse also. Your youngest is beginning to act like his father does as well and no, this is not down to hormones. He is basically repeating what his father shows him and will treat you the same.

Your H's behaviours are about power and control; he wants absolute over you all. Such men as well do not change.

Womens Aid are well worth contacting on 0808 2000 247.

My EX was like this... not the emphasis on ex 😂 Don’t put up with it, do you want to spend the rest of your life miserable?!

My youngest is 12 and at the back of my mind when he leaves home I will too.

Right oh, so having given your kids the "gift" of a miserable childhood you are going to leave him anyway?

Exactly this.

My dh is a bit like this. He used to be worse but one day, I just stopped accepting it. I’d got to the point you are and then I thought it’s either make or break.
I told him I was sick of it and his kids were sick of it and we didn’t want to live a miserable life with s miserable sod.
Thankfully, he accepted that he was in the wrong and slowly slowly has changed.
We still don’t go out much as a family except for meals but we do manage some weekend breaks and holidays which have been ok.

Just don’t accept it any more. Pull him up on it every time. Tell him it’s crap, biting and miserable listening to his moaning like he’s an old miserable bastard.

Biting = boring

It does sound a bit similar to my husband, I suspect mine has Aspergers (and son is suspected Aspergers). No possibility of Aspergers is there?

We also have the separate rooms thing in the week though at weekends he comes out with us as a family. I used to get so worried about him but my doctor advised me to ignore his moaning and that does help. Anti depressants have improved him a lot though there is nothing wrong with him, he is just taking them to please me. He's perfect.

I can reiterate:

Right oh, so having given your kids the "gift" of a miserable childhood you are going to leave him anyway?

This 10000 times

My ex was like this, still is but I don't have to live with it every day anymore (amongst other not so nice traits). Christmas was always accompanied by moans of how much shit the children got (they don't honestly get that much). Birthdays same. Trips were always stressful until we reached our destination (leaving the house was always hell).

Some things I didn't even know I did until I left: not washing my things as often as I would like as he would complain about the amount of washing (even though I did the washing AND ironing). This included insisting the kids wear the same clothes 3 days in a row for school if they weren't visably dirty.

Tidying up like a loon half an hour before he arrived home.

Asking my parents to stop buying the kids gifts when they come to visit because it would always cause a row about them spoiling them.

Changing over program I liked to watch cos I knew he didn't like them. He wouldn't take himself off into a different room or like me to do so, so I would change it over.

Many many more examples, but these are things I realised I did when I left to make my life easier. I hate confrontation. I hate moaners.

I lived with him for 18 years!

ASD does not automatically equate to being abusive or displaying abusive behaviours towards only family members whilst being "lovely" to people in the outside world.

I doubt very much that OPs DH is anywhere on any ASD spectrum to be honest with you. This individual is very much a "street angel house devil" kind of person.

My DH is like this and it’s making me miserable. I’m too scared to split as we’ve been together 16 years

Why are you too scared to split; what is preventing you from making that leap?. If you could break it down then perhaps others could advise you and perhaps allay some of your very real and understandable fears.

@FedUpOfMyselfAgain
16 years is nothing in a lifetime
Look up the sunk cost fallacy

Even if you were 70 I would say you have another 20 years of life left to live happily

You only have one life and I don't understand why some people choose to spend it with someone who makes them miserable.

My ex was like this. I walked on eggshells. At worst he would ruin events with tantrums, at best his moaning and negativity would pervade everything we did. I couldn’t handle it any more. The last straw was when he called me from the car to scream at me that it was my fault he had fallen asleep and was late to take the cat to the vet

He's being as nice as anything tonight. Even the dog is looking at him with suspicion.

Going to wait until the kids are in bed then going to have to talk with him.

Aperolspritzer123 - My life is the same as yours was, and I left my ex in April. I hated that walking on eggshells thing, where I knew as soon as he'd walk through the door I wouldn't be able to relax. I'd have to be doing things the whole evening and he'd still find something to complain about.

draggeddownbythemiserablegit - I left mine. To be honest, there wasn't really any way I could discuss it with him and he wouldn't argue/minimise his behaviour/turn it around on me. I just had enough. One of the defining moments of me leaving was when he'd rejected doing anything 'family' related for so long, and one day I said 'let's go out for lunch, i'll pay' - he had the day off, DC and I were all ready to go and he just refused to come. He was in such a bad mood, and just wouldn't come out with us, and I just in that moment realised I don't need him. I don't need someone who doesn't want to be a part of my family any more.
That dreaded feeling of them coming home, it's just awful. I live alone with my DC now and I can breathe, I have no one to answer to and I can do exactly what I want and it's the best feeling ever. I also remember putting off a holiday he wanted to go on because I knew it would be a nightmare to go away with him - he was just too miserable. I know at work he would have been the lovely fun happy guy each day, but as soon as he got home he loved taking everything out on me. He definitely was suffering from depression, but I find that if they aren't willing to change themselves then you just have to leave them to it. I didn't want my DC growing up to think it's okay to treat someone like that, or live in such an awful atmosphere.

pudding21 "Tidying up like a loon half an hour before he arrived home. " - wow that reminds me of that utter dread i'd have knowing if the house wasn't perfect before he got home I was in trouble. Even if everything was tidy, there was always something to complain about. Do not miss that at all.

Good on you, dragged

I didn't speak to him

The kids went to bed, I walked the dog and by the time I got back he'd gone to bed.

What do you think about sending him a text message saying how negatively his mood/attitude/negativity is affecting everyone in the family and that if we are to move forward he needs to get help/change?

It feels a bit cowardly but I know if I bring it up he'll deny it and turn it all around so that it's my behaviour is making him like that. Or that's my suspicion anyway.

Honestly, texting - its really not the way to go. If you cannot sit down and talk to your DH that does not augur well.

It feels a bit cowardly but I know if I bring it up he'll deny it and turn it all around so that it's my behaviour is making him like that - so you are feeling attacked and on the defensive about his bad behaviour, before you even begin . This is why I tried to make the point earlier to try and avoid a discussion or argument. Just say a few words (as you would in a text, funnily enough). Then watch his response closely. Watch how he justifies or blames. Try not to respond - just observe. In the event of a miracle, he could try and engage in some self-reflection and hopefully change on this (what is, after all, needed). But if he doesn't and goes on attack, you have your answer.

Another thing - if you do the "text" thing you will miss out on "information" you need re. response. As well as opening yourself up to more confused communication.

I would chat to him but try to get a time where kids are in bed and he's in a reasonable mood rather than after an argument.

An initial text might work but not the whole thing by text. Something short like I've noticed you seem to be depressed lately and thought it would be worth us having a chat tonight after the kids have gone to bed. This might give him chance to have a think about it rather than just getting the I'm perfect default reaction when confronted. But don't reply to further texts other than to say will discuss tonight. If he quibbles depressed change to stressed in discussions later at home.

Then have discussion in the evening after kids are in bed. I would say you feel you and the kids can't do anything right. Think about what you would like as the outcome and adjust what you say based on that like do you want him to go to the doctors or do you want to split. Do you want a relationship counsellor. If it does appear straight abuse a counsellor is not recommended. For stress / depression can help a lot. Good luck!