Feel estranged from my adult son

[maybeimjustashitmum]

My eldest son is almost 30. He got married about a year ago to a woman he's been with more than 10 years. He doesn't respond to text messages and never initiates contact. If I phone, or call around to his home (they only live a couple of miles away) he seems to be pleased to see me and is very chatty. This appears to have started when he got married, although they have been living together for a few years. It's really starting to get to me. I've tried talking to him about it, but haven't managed to get any real insight. We barely saw them last christmas - I had a bit of a family do and they were invited, but phoned a couple of hours before to say he couldn't come.
I wonder if he thinks we didn't help enough with the wedding? His wife's family were heavily involved and I think contributed financially. They sat at the top table at the wedding, whereas I and my exH (DS's dad) were at separate tables with our own families. This was my fault, as I said I didn't care where I sat, so long as I didn't have to sit with exH, and I'm not upset about it, it just seems to illustrate how we've been distanced since the wedding, and I wonder if me saying that about the seating upst them? We were not able to contribute financially (I have a lot of debt that I'm trying to clear), but did help in other ways. I miss the relationship we had. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect to speak to him every day, but every week, or couple of weeks for a catch up would be nice. I have asked him if it's something I've done. He said, 'What could you have done, mum?' At the time I thought he meant I hadn't done anything, but now I am wracking my brains for something I did, thinking that he might have been being sarcastic (he often is!).... How do I get him to talk to me?

Autumndays - I disagree with this. When me and ex were together visits over Xmas were always split equally. In laws still want to see their child whether it's a din or daughter and my ex wanted to spend time with his parents as much as I did.
Op - set definite times to see them, once a fortnight take them for lunch or coffee to catch up. Be proactive about it without smothering them.

Son, not din!

I have not read all the advice but what is your relationship like with his wife? It might be more productive if you work on building this as well as it sounds like he likes you but is busy and is not as a good as prioritising you.

If youve changed a few details to protect identity then you might be my mil. Dh "made the effort" for the first ten years- then stopped in the last three. That's from mils perspective.

From mine - I'm done with micro managing his relationships. Im done telling him to text or phone his mother back. Done making sure we see his family as much as mine. They are his family, his relationships to maintain. So I stopped. It's wife work that I don't want.

Unfortunately dh didn't pick it up. It's just not that important to him. He likes it when she visits and the times when he does answer her calls they chat happily. But without me doing the mental
Load of it, it doesn't get done

I know there are example of great MIL / DIL relationships, but not to the extent of MiL being put first for Xmas visits etc unless their is a bad relationship between mum and daughter

And you think that's ok? No one family should be put first for visits surely, why wouldn't both sets of parents be treated equally? We love our sons and daughters equally, that doesn't change when they grow up.

I think that rhyme is a rubbish excuse for sexist bollocks. I’m female, I love my parents, and call my mum several times a week etc. But DH’s mum is widowed and since his dad passed he calls her every single day. She has made an active life for herself and sees friends etc, but I know she loves even a brief 5 min convo with him. I don’t “encourage or facilitate” this in any way. It’s not my job. But he’s a fully grown adult who decides how he wants to maintain relationships.

OP talk to your son and ask for a once a month catchup. It isn’t your DILs job to facilitate contact. It’s just up to your son and yourself. How often do you see your other children?

I could say exactly the same, my son is late 30’s and I can’t tell you the last time I saw him. We spoke last week on the phone but they have busy lives and been renovating their house. I don’t think it has anything to do with his other half because she has asked if she can come on holiday with us in January.

Charlie no it's not okay, but it's a result of the fact that wives usually take responsibility for arranging visits and keeping up contact. We need to teach our sons that they're equally responsible and then this issue goes away!

My in laws don’t make much of an effort and never invite us for Xmas and Easter which is why we don’t go there. We have invited them to us but they don’t come as they don’t want to drive or get a train at Xmas as it might be busy on the trains / roads. We see my family because they bend over backwards to make things work for everyone - even drove over with a whole cooked Xmas dinner so we could have Xmas in our own home with the new baby!
I make lots of effort to text MIL and tell her news, see how they are. Far more than DH does.

I know people don't like the rhyme but ime it's true.

On visits being spilt equally ime that is just not true. Personally we have always been fair but I have friends who have never once gone to their in laws at Christmas - in fact I would say the majority of them - it isn’t even a question and I do feel sorry for their partners families. I think they must feel bewildered by it,especially when these happy family occasions are splashed on social media and they don’t get a look in.

OP, the top table thing...I reckon this peed them off but I know you regret it so I'm not going to bash you. Why don't you invite them over or pop in to see them on their turf? I would. Men aren't so good at keeping in touch with their families so please don't take it personally 💐

I don't agree with the rhyme either. My two brothers are always round visiting my parents, on the phone asking for advice.etc. while I see them every few years due to distance. Also DP will phone his mum during the week and go see her about fortnightly ,out of duty sometimes. It's a 40 min journey. I think you should just organise things like my MIlL does. She suggests a place and time or even comes over with something homemade to eat if we're busy, who would say no to dinner cooked? Could you do that?

My DH and his parents or sibling don't phone/arrange visits or keep in touch in equal amounts.
Few years ago I stopped micromanaging also. I don't remind him of birthdays or how long its been since last visit.
PILs make no effort to visit us but we do visit them once every 6-8weeks with zero contact in between (we live 20 min drive away) MIL is in touch with other grandkids & SIL (dhSis) sees them almost 7 days a week due to childcare /school runs /ad hoc drop offs.

This actually makes Dh pull away even further tbh as MIl also quotes that son is a son...nonsense.
Yes I am envious we are lucky to have one night off every 3 months. Dh hates to even ask them for help because they are so busy with other gdc
But I do feel they are both equally responsible for lack of contact. Dh just doesn't include them because they also keep him at a distance he feels he has somewhat disappointed them over his choice of nonreligious wife & kids.

Your son may have lingering feelings over his relationship with shouty father etc...

but it's a result of the fact that wives usually take responsibility for arranging visits and keeping up contact. We need to teach our sons that they're equally responsible and then this issue goes away

So the son insists on the new family unit maintaining equal contact with his parents as hers and then the DIL is on here saying she doesn't want her in laws round for x number of weeks after the baby is born and gets told he needs to support her exclusively now, fuck his parent and is he a mummy's boy!

OK thanks everyone for your input. I think there may be an element of his DW used to make him keep in touch, and has now decided it isn't her responsibility. Agree 100% with this BTW. He's a grown up. Worried this might be outing, but sod it... They also went vegan a couple of years ago, which makes inviting them for meals etc. a bit more difficult. I still do, and when I do see them, it's usually because I invite them over for a meal. I don't think it helps that my DH is a bit sneery about veganism...

Vegan, ah ok. Yes this can be a difficult one. Just go to theirs, problem solved 👍

Bibbidee I would love to Just go to theirs, but I don't get invited

@maybeimjustashitmum Invite yourself! Be assertive! Ring him and DW and say you're nearby on such a day and have found some tasty vegan food for them to try (trust me, they'll love that you found vegan food to try) and this will show them you're taking an interest in their lifestyle! If you do get to eat with them, please don't say anything negative about the vegan food, just Incase they're sensitive? Tbh I bloody love Vegan food so embrace it when I'm around vegans, who's numbers are increasing every day.

@maybeimjustashitmum Go google the shit out of local vegan restaurants and meet at one for lunch?

Go find a vegan Facebook page and see what food discoveries people make and message your son?

I think you guys need a shared interest and maybe their passion for no animal cruelty and interest in Veganism might help? Hell, you might learn something on the way and be like 'I never knew that?!'

@Bibbidee on the one occassion they invited us for food since they've become vegan - they made chicken (!) because they said they didn't want to impose their choices on others. I was looking forward to some interesting vegan food ...
I am just starting to feel as though he doesn't want to see me tbh. I do make efforts...he actually ignores me though sometimes. I feel a bit like I should stop, and wait for him to come around when he's ready, but am worried this will end up in us losing touch even more.

I was a son a bit like the OP's until I turned about 35. In the 15 years since then I've grown steadily closer to both my parents, particularly mum. I now Skype them at least every few days although they live far away, and we've often had great holidays together. I think a lot of guys become more caring as they get a bit older and less egotistic, and at 30 he may well still be self absorbed.

The OP's son may well have his resentments against his parents, but these may recede with time anyway so addressing them directly may not be the best approach. If she wants to see more of him she should just say she misses him and would like to spend time together more regularly.

I agree, the rhyme is crap, and manages to insult both sexes at the same time.

lots going on here, I would tell your DH to stop commenting on your son's food choices, why does this even has to be discussed
not that long ago most people could afford meat once a week if that
if meals are awkward - then invite them for coffee and buy vegan cake or biscuits or like someone said - meet outside of home