Jealousy- porn, women anything.Help?

[Hookeslaw]

I am very low right now. I need help. I need a new way of looking at things. It is not that I haven’t tried. I have but I still feel the same way.

I am so insanely jealous. I am sure my boyfriend will run out of patience with me eventually. We have been together three years.

I hate him looking at other women and even thinking they are pretty. I can’t stand the thought of him imagining someone else if he were to wank.

I hate porn we have had many discussions on this. He has been honest and said he used it early on in our relationship but since he knew it was important to me he hasn’t since. He said he doesn’t see it fundamentally as wrong but he would rather respect my feelings more and he hasn’t really missed it.

So I worry that because he thinks there is nothing wrong then he will do it anyway and not tell me.

I hear you should not police thoughts but I don’t think of anyone else is it too much to ask for the same.

I hear men are wired differently but surely we are evolved beings now and can control ourselves.

I don’t know what I am asking really. Has anyone been through this? Managed to change their thinking.

It’s not that my boyfriend really does anything to make me jealous, I have never seen him even check out another woman infront of me. He has said people are pretty in descriptions but he says that is just like saying someone has brown hair it doesn’t mean he fancies them. He says there is more to attraction than looks which I do get.

I am driving myself crazy and I am not young. I think getting old is destroying my confidence.

I don’t know what to do. I need help not telling I am stupid. I know this.

Thanks bit I don’t want to go down the route of spying on him.

Thanks everyone. I will get help. So hard

Op i can highly recommend CBT for this precise behaviour. It can be expensive but the benefit of not living your life like this will far outweigh the cost.

@christinarose

Are you serious!?
Surely that is incredibly illegal?
You can’t spy and hack someone that is absolutely disgusting and appalling.
I feel sorry for everyone one in your life because you feel you have the right to abuse and invalid their privacy like that.

I clocked him eyeing a woman up in a skimpy outfit which broke me in two

He's human, of course he's going to notice her!

But now if an attractive woman walks past I look at him to catch him

This is not okay if an attractive woman walks past of course he's gunna notice. I notice attractive men!

If he's being a sleaze about it and proper leering at them then yes I can see your point. But why not leave? If he's just glancing over because he's noticed an attractive woman in a 'skimpy' outfit he's not doing anything wrong? He can't walk around with his eyes on the floor...

to find it objectionable and ask their partner not to do it. Christ, you'd think men need porn like oxygen or something. They do not. If there was anything I did that my husband found so distressing I wouldn't do it. This general acceptance that we have to just let men do it since they don't care enough about our feelings on the matter not to do it is part of the problem

You're right they don't need porn. But it's their right to look at it if they want to! Who am I to ask my partner to stop watching it just because I'm feeling insecure? I mean, it doesn't bother me. But if it did, why should MY insecurities and my problems mean he should stop something?
Most women will say they dislike porn because of trafficking and exploitation etc yet will quite happily shop in primark and cheap clothing stores where far more women/children are exploited and abused to make the clothes! In reality most women who use that reason for disliking porn just simply aren't happy with their husband porn out of insecurity/jealousy.

OP it's great that your DP has stopped watching porn because it upsets you. You now need to trust that he will honour that promise otherwise your relationship is not worth pursuing. You need to trust him for your own sanity if nothing else.

With regards to him finding other women attractive, this is normal. Of course he will notice if someone is attractive or not. Do you expect him not to be attracted to women anymore because he is now in a relationship? If that were the case then he wouldn't be attracted to you either anymore. Simply noticing that a woman is attractive doesn't mean that he is a sleaze or a cheat or thinks less of you. It means he is human. A good honourable man is one that recognises when another woman is attractive to them but chooses not to act on it by becoming a sleaze or a cheat.

Are you afraid that he might leave you? Is that maybe why you feel that other women are a threat?

I am not scared of being alone.

I am scared of wasting any more years on someone who is a perv.

I do hate porn and Primark for exploitation. I also hate it as its looking at other woman and I don’t see a need. Just a want.

Do you count noticing an attractive woman as being a perv?

Have you caught him leering after other women in a pervy way or have any other evidence of pervy tendencies (not including porn which I agree if pervy, but he said he has stopped using it so need to give him benefit of the doubt there).

I have cycles of feeling like you. I relate it to my hormones now as sometimes I don’t give a Monkey if my partner looks at anyone else or spends time with anyone but other times I drive myself crazy. What keeps me in check is I imagine how jealously must look to him. It’s an unattractive trait. No one can stop someone leaving or fancying someone else but jealousy can drive him away much quicker. My partner is very friendly with women he works with, they send flirty texts and never know who he spends his time with but it’s exhausting to police everything as I’ve learnt. I make myself put these thoughts out my mind otherwise it takes too much time and worry. As for porn we sometimes watch a sexy film together and it’s a wonderful way of connecting sexually and keeping things from going stale. I never feel jealous of porn stars or people on tv as they’re not real and not a real threat.

"Surely we are evolved beings and can control ourselves"

This applies to jealousy too!

I have to say if my DP was like you then I would be tempted to leave you. Insecurity and jealousyis a very unattractive trait in a person.

I try to keep it to myself just torture myself with it.

Thoughts vs action

Just like your partner ...

Just look at other attractive men. Why is that so hard for you?

I get feelings like that a lot so totally sympathise OP it's horrible and like mental self harm l That said rationally I know it's crazy but doesn't stop it being hard. I have OCD and a lot of anxiety in general so am on various meds for that which says it all. But just wanted to offer hand to hold! Like you said I mostly keep it to myself but would love to have that part of my brain surgically removed as I know jealousy/insecurity is not attractive and try to keep a lid on it.

Thank you.

Would also love it surgically removed!

If only!! In the meantime I find sometimes meditation can help with anxiety type feelings and keep reminding myself that they're only thoughts in my own head. Any kind of obsessive worry like that is horrible so I understand

Thank you.

Thanks to all of you who have made me look for ways to see things a bit differently. So thank you.

You're welcome xxx Least it's not just me and it was brave of you to admit as I rationally can see I drive myself nuts at times by over thinking but keep most of it bottled up. Sometimes it helps just to know you're not alone and some of the advice on here is useful from those with a more practical brain than mine - I freely admit I worry over nothing at times so it's good to try looking at it from a different perspective.