Jealousy- porn, women anything.Help?

[Hookeslaw]

I am very low right now. I need help. I need a new way of looking at things. It is not that I haven’t tried. I have but I still feel the same way.

I am so insanely jealous. I am sure my boyfriend will run out of patience with me eventually. We have been together three years.

I hate him looking at other women and even thinking they are pretty. I can’t stand the thought of him imagining someone else if he were to wank.

I hate porn we have had many discussions on this. He has been honest and said he used it early on in our relationship but since he knew it was important to me he hasn’t since. He said he doesn’t see it fundamentally as wrong but he would rather respect my feelings more and he hasn’t really missed it.

So I worry that because he thinks there is nothing wrong then he will do it anyway and not tell me.

I hear you should not police thoughts but I don’t think of anyone else is it too much to ask for the same.

I hear men are wired differently but surely we are evolved beings now and can control ourselves.

I don’t know what I am asking really. Has anyone been through this? Managed to change their thinking.

It’s not that my boyfriend really does anything to make me jealous, I have never seen him even check out another woman infront of me. He has said people are pretty in descriptions but he says that is just like saying someone has brown hair it doesn’t mean he fancies them. He says there is more to attraction than looks which I do get.

I am driving myself crazy and I am not young. I think getting old is destroying my confidence.

I don’t know what to do. I need help not telling I am stupid. I know this.

Sorry to be blunt but if it is your weight that's the issue then go on a diet. Problem solved. It's not like you have a disproportionately large nose or lopsided breasts that can only be helped by expensive surgery. You only have to lose weight. Why do women make such a big issue out of losing weight? It is really the easiest physical transformation anyone can have without investing money and surgery into it.

Naz that's unfortunately not the case for many people, men and women. Weight is a far more complex issue than "just go on a diet" - if it weren't, why do you think people just wouldn't do that?

Perhaps OP's weight is a result of diet, perhaps is a result of illness (PCOS or thyroid to name just two off the top of my head), perhaps it's hormonal, perhaps she's recently had a baby. My weight is entirely dictated by my hormones. I've had a weight variation of five stone in the last decade (not including pregnancy) and it's been completely dictated by whichever hormone treatment I'm on at any one time. No change to diet or activity levels beyond actively reducing and increasing those things as my weight has changed. It's not just as simple as all that.

OP - sounds like your weight may be the crux of this. Do you think your partner has an issue with it? Most men don't really want excessively thin women, by the way!

Weight loss will not get rid of my saggy stretched out stomach. I have wonky eyes and a long nose too.

Maybe I believe in the Disney ideal too much. One woman , one man. Just wish I didn’t see it so black and white.

I think another thing that has sent me skyward is that I used to work at same place as my boyfriend at lunch we would hang out with two friends. One left so for about two years it has been me, boyfriend and our friend.

We see her and her husband outside of work. Were all good friends.

I left three months ago so now it is Just boyfriend and my friend at lunch. She has split with her husband. So boyfriend has been there for her as have I out of work. She is such a lovely person.

However I asked boyfriend if he thought she was pretty ( glutton for punishment) he said yes but she is just a friend he does not fancy her.

I asked ‘ what if I didn’t exist and she was single?’ He said maybe in a parallel universe but he doesn’t see her that way.

I have done this over other colleagues too.

Gosh I really am crazy. I don’t want to be this person.

It does sound like you are having intrusive thoughts and anxiety symptoms. I strongly urge you to look into CBT for ocd / anxiety. You do sound like someone who is suffering from a mental health problem that happens to be centred on anxiety about being abandoned by a romantic partner.

I would encourage you to expose yourself to your fears of being found wanting. When you start to obsess about him leaving you etc, instead of trying to comfort yourself that he won't, just embrace it. "Yep guess if he leaves I'll become a mad old woman who wears purple robes and roams the moors, screaming at the sky! Guess I'll become a local myth! Maybe I'll turn into the wizened old crone of fairy tales and women will come from miles away to have their love fortune told by me..." Let it become completely ridiculous and experiment with the idea that even if the worst happens, you will be ok. Because you will. Honestly.

And definitely speak to gp about medication options for anxiety/intrusive thoughts. Certain antidepressants work very well to help manage this specific type of obsessional anxious thinking. Xx

I'm sure he thinks you're gorgeous though - you should see the state of my stomach after twins! My husband doesn't care a bit, honestly. No problem with him still finding me attractive.

I can understand that making you feel insecure, since she's a real person that you know rather than just random body parts being vaguely attractive. He's told you straight up that he doesn't think of her that way - I know loads of guys that are conventionally attractive but I am not interested. I'm happy and in love with my husband, not bothered about anyone else. My husband is much the same really, I've never seen him so much as flirt with anyone else.

If he's giving you no reason to feel this way then I think you really need to get some help with your self esteem. It would be different if he were openly drooling over others but doesn't sound like he is.

Also op if the issue actually is that you are experiencing mental health problems of obsessional thoughts related to anxiety, please understand that when you seek reassurance from him or others, that actually feeds the anxiety and makes it worse and worse.

The only way to actually address things if it's a mental health issue, is medication AND exposure therapy / CBT type approaches. Reassurance will literally drive you crazy, no matter how good it feels in the moment.

I strongly urge you to get screened for OCD / pure O / anxiety before you continue to seek reassurance here. The more feedback you get that comforts you short term, the worse that will make you feel long term.

Without being rude if it was the other way round would you want to be with a guy a jealous/controlling/obsessive as you sound?
No way I could manage that.
You can’t expect your partner to not look or think about another woman, that is completely normal.
It’s sounds like you have serious issues, you need to sort these out and work on your insecurities and don’t sound like you are ready to be in a relationship at all.

I hear you on the ageing. I turned 25 a few months ago and god do I feel like a rotten old infirm.

Do you check out other men btw? There are gorgeous men out there, despite most men not making the effort with their looks or health.

This kind of sounds like a form of abuse towards your boyfriend. It's an awful lot to take on - sounds like he puts up with a lot. If this was a woman on here saying a man did this to her and punished her for making normal eye contact etc people would say ltb etc usual script.

OP everyone get's older - those 19 year olds won't be 19 forever. What's the alternative? Being dead? Get some perspective and some counselling.

Really really bizarre how some of you consider yourselves old at those ages. Be careful it is not a self fulfilling prophecy

@painting this exactly. Don't think Liz Hurley, J Lo, Penelope Cruz etc - natural older beauties spend their whole lives after 19 wanting to be 19.

OP, start looking for a counsellor at the BACP website
www.itsgoodtotalk.org.uk

I don't know what your definition of "expensive" is but what is the cost of losing your relationship and your own mental wellbeing? If you can't afford a weekly session, go fortnightly. If that's too much, then go monthly. Anything is better than nothing.

It sounds as if you're having intrusive thoughts as well as having a very negative self-image. It must be exhausting! You deserve to feel better about yourself.

Your partner probably does fancy a lot of women. And sorry to say, he probably does still wank to porn - most men that tell their partners they've stopped are usually lying, I've met so many men who admit this. Personally I think it's wrong to ask somebody to stop watching porn simply because you don't agree with it. I don't like boxing as I hate fighting and violence yet I wouldn't expect my partner to stop watching it simply because of how I feel.

But he probably does see a lot of women he finds attractive but ya know what? NONE of that matters! He is with YOU he loves YOU he respects YOU!

I see plenty of good looking men. I see guys who I find incredibly attractive, every time Tom Hardy comes on the tv my partner is forgotten about but I would never trade him for any of these men, I don't give them a second thought. I can't remember the man I found attractive last week in Tesco.

If you aren't happy with your weight, only you can do something about it. Unfortunately none of us can prevent getting older, but you have to remind yourself he too is ageing

Work on your self esteem. He sounds like a nice guy going off your posts.
I had an ex who was incredibly insecure and controlling. I left. It sounds like you have a wonderful man and apart from your insecurities I'm sure you have a wonderful relationship - don't let this get in the way

@Thetoothyteeth

Exactly what I thought, complete double standards! If this exact post was by a man about his girlfriend, he would get no sympathy and no one would be afraid to call out emotional abuse because that’s exactly what it is.

Op I feel so sorry for you and your partner but you need to leave him now before he leaves you, he is in an abusive controlling relationship right now whether you realise or not and that is not fair on either of you (especially him)

Comparison is the enemy of happiness. You are the woman he chose to share his life with and be intimate with. You.

Jealousy is natural, how you deal with it is the difference between mistrust/obsession/self destruction and honestly tackling the reasons, to improve self, life or relationship.

Even if he told you he doesnt find a single other woman attractive Im not sure you would believe him... Id echo the recommendations to look at CBT or other therapies to start to change your thinking patterns around these emotions.

Porn vs boxing. What a relevant comparison.

I mean, I don't like sprouts but I don't expect my husband to stop eating them!

Ridiculous.

I've seen so many threads on here about porn but i think the reality is that most men watch porn. I have never asked my dp about it but all my male friends have told me they do. Unless porn is banned i think most of them will watch it and unless you have surveillance on them 24/7 nothing you can do about it.
Also agree most of them will say they don't because quiet life etc.
Some people find it morally wrong but i just don't see the point in getting upset over it - you can never truly know what your dp does regarding porn in his own time so what's the point? It's not real. It't not like he's going to see marjoriemoo doing back flips in an orgy and arrange to meet her in pret for a coconut latte. I mean... come on.

Women are perfectly entitled to find it objectionable and ask their partner not to do it. Christ, you'd think men need porn like oxygen or something. They do not. If there was anything I did that my husband found so distressing I wouldn't do it. This general acceptance that we have to just let men do it since they don't care enough about our feelings on the matter not to do it is part of the problem.

I just wanted to give you OP I'm in the same boat as you.

Not only do I understand how much WE know this is wrong, I also understand how much it drives US up the wall as much as them.

I know EXACTLY how you feel, I know exactly what your going through. Your not alone ❤️

@tammy well that's personal opinion, some people are fine with it some not but it doesn't really matter what anyone thinks because at some stage most people are alone online and if they want to watch porn they will. That's what i meant - i don't even understand why women torture themselves by asking if it's something they personally get upset by. Lobby against the porn industry if you want but arguing with a man when you can never know anyway whether he watches it or not? Pointless no?

Thanks guys lots to think about.

I do keep a lot of it to myself so as not to affect him. Just drive myself crazy.

No I don’t check out other men. I just don’t but I can see that’s not normal.

Tammy - we all know how discussion on porn go on here. There is no way to agree for the two camps with different point of view.

But OP’s post is not about that. And yet another porn discussion won’t help her.
She is in a bad place as it is.

OP - you were asking how to get help - I think starting with GP is a first thing. And - given that your case is not technically - critical - it’ll take a while.
But i’d mention to the GP your symptoms of irrational anxiety, and depression and get on the list for counselling.

I can relate to this.

I am very jealous and notice things I probably shouldn't and become botheres over things which I probably shouldn't.
This also stems from previous relationships, dating a narcissist who lied about everything, and a man who beat me up and cheated on me.

My partner once asked me to watch porn which I was absolutely furious about I argued all day with him about it, saying its disrespectful towards me, and it made me feel not good enough to excite him. He apologised.

We once went away for night and went round some bars and I clocked him eyeing a woman up in a skimpy outfit which broke me in two, he totally denied it and then said he couldn't remember and was so sorry. Saying why would I do that when I have you. But now if an attractive woman walks past I look at him to catch him doing it again, I have accused him a few more times but I may have been wrong on those occasions.
Being hurt in the past does destroy you, I'm still trying to change my ways.

Keep strong