Ending a relationship by text

[Happy2018]

Hi all.
Just wanted to know people’s thoughts on the situation when you are dumped by text. It’s recently happened to me. Is it a common way to end a relationship by text nowadays? I find it difficult to understand that because there is no closure? What is the best way to cope with that so that one could move on? Thanks in advance.

AutumnTreesThroughTheWindow, i hope not!!

I can’t do it again! I am just worried that I won’t be able to trust a man again after this. I don’t have a huge experience in dating people ( I was married for 15 years, divorced). He seemed to be a good match and I just hope that I will meet somebody better one day :)

KingMortificadosMistress, thanks. You are right- it could have been worse!! It’s good in a way that it all happened now. Thank you.
I really appreciate that you all take time to answer. Really thankful xx

Like Been, I have also been there... Oh and I also think I'm more 'serial monogamist'. I don't even know if I want to find 'The One'!

Happy, don't let it put you off. I'm going to assume you met him online. I didn't bother with that beyond using it as a tool to 'practise' dating and to discover what my non negotiables were.

My situation sounds very similar to yours, so I would suggest you do similar. Make sure you really know yourself - hobbies, values, interests. Make sure you're self sufficient - home, work. Make sure you are the best version of you that you can be and then be very discerning about who you allow into your amazing life.

When the focus shifts from "Does he like me?" to "Does he deserve to be in my life?" then you will start to find it gets better.

My marriage ended 5 years ago. I have dated a bit here and there but nothing serious. I'm seeing someone now. There have been a couple of blips along the way but they are understandable and resolveable. I have no idea where it will go. I like him a lot. I care about him. I believe that he cares about me. It's still early days... if it ended tomorrow I'd be fine.

I used to read people on here saying similar and wonder who on earth these self possessed, happy to be single women were until one day, earlier this year, I realised I was one of them.

And then I met someone, so typical!

AutumnTreesThroughTheWindow, thank you.

I am not a big fan of OLD but I decided to give it a go and met him online and he asked me out for a drink just after two or three initial messages (another red flag?).

I divorced about 3 years ago and was on my own all this time focusing on rebuilding my life and being me again. I am very independent and self- sufficient (good job/career, own my house etc); have a good circle of friend and I look after myself. I do like to develop myself all the time and have recently taken on a new hobby. I know there is always room for improvement but I thought that I was the best version of what I can be and I was happy to be on own for the last three years. Then something clicked and I went online... Here I am now - writing on MN!!

Maybe I shouldn’t take it close to heart and treat it as “practising dating”.

AutumnTreesThroughTheWindow, can I ask you a question ? How do you stop yourself from getting invested too much/bonding quickly with people when there are still early days? I think that was my mistake and, like some people have pointed it out, maybe that’s why I am finding quite difficult to stop thinking about somebody who I’ve only known for two months.

Happy meeting quickly with OLD is a good thing. Definitely not a red flag.

Have you ever read a novel and imagined the hero in your head? Then you see the film and think WTF was the casting director doing? Well if you message and message and message you build up a picture that often disappoints. You also find some guys want a pen pal and never meet so you don't want to get invested in one of those. There are crazy stories on MN where people message for months and months and think they're living the romantic dream then he vanishes (probably married and alleviating boredom) or they meet and have dull sex and never meet again.

I exchange a few messages to establish facts, shared interests and his use of grammar then I need to meet. I never sext or exchange more pics. There are enough on my profile!

As for avoiding over-investing it's hard especially as I like to establish sexual compatibility early on. I set my store by his actions and pretty much much ignore the words. I don't sext - flirty and complimentary are good but I won't sext. I won't plan too far ahead. I don't join in with the future-planning. So if he talks about whisking me to Bora Bora next year I'll say how lovely that will be but I don't believe it. I also refer to us as dating rather than being in a relationship and I don't introduce him to friends and family until about six months in. This has all been learnt the hard way!

I was dumped by text while I was at work after 2 years, living together, dog together etc. He then completely ghosted me for 2 weeks while I was in a panic trying to get my belongings from our house (I had accidentally lost my key!)

With regards to closure... Maybe you never will get the course you deserve. But that's okay. At least he has shown you who he is. Someone capable of that is not somebody you will want to spend your life with, it is better to find out sooner rather than later. You will move on and find someone who treats you with respect. He is a coward. I found it hard not saying goodbye and giving him a hug, to wish each other well and end it on good terms. But... He has to live with his own actions and dumping someone by text is just cruel and unnecessary. He doesn't deserve your well wishes, he could have easily phoned you or met with you.

I think he’s actually handled this well. Making you get ready to meet him face to face, only to be binned off would have been way harsher.
2 months in, forget about him & move on

I think - as he generally was nice nefore this - his reason to ending it is awkward, that's why he refused to meet and talk. For example maybe it's as simple as 'had enough waiting for sex!' - he's npt going to tell you that knowing that you wanted to wait and he may have lied about being comfortable with that, hoping it will be sooner.
So wanting a reason is futile - people tend to either lie to spare your feelings (i.e. metsomeone else) or some may be blunt with personal criticism but surely that's even worse and can knock your confidence. It's best to see it as 'whatever his reason, he's not the man for me'.

Agree with pp that next time try not go along with full-on texting/meeting immediately and try to pace it a bit. Then if he's the type who gets overexcited and then cools down, you are protecting yourself.

Comparison is the enemy of happiness. You are the woman he chose to share his life with and be intimate with. You.

Jealousy is natural, how you deal with it is the difference between mistrust/obsession/self destruction and honestly tackling the reasons, to improve self, life or relationship.

Even if he told you he doesnt find a single other woman attractive Im not sure you would believe him... Id echo the recommendations to look at CBT or other therapies to start to change your thinking patterns around these emotions.

Oops wrong post! Bugger

How do you stop yourself from getting invested too much/bonding quickly with people when there are still early days?

Honestly? You learn the hard way. You cry a bit. You wonder if you'll ever get over it. In fact all the things that you're doing.

You become very discerning when it comes to who you do and don't respond to. You cut them off as soon as they show signs of being a twat and ignore their pleas for a second chance. You become hardened to it and you take control of the situation. I was chatting to a man once - ticked a lot of my boxes, seemed like a decent bloke. Then, one evening, he'd been out and messaged me when he got back. I forget now what he said, and it wasn't particularly bad, just a bit of "hmm" - some rambling comments about "women" and how they never treated him right and such nonsense - more self pitying than anything. Anyway, I read them, and he knew. I think he'd realised when he was sober and tried apologising and blaming it on the beer. But I blocked him. See, I don't want someone who moans and whines, I don't want someone who drinks and then starts having a go about "women".

You meet them quickly. Been is right - that's not a red flag. It's a good thing. And you become ruthless at not ignoring the red flags. As you already know, you ignored a few standard ones early on. The next time you won't.

The problem then can be that you develop such a thick skin, when it comes to online dating, that you can no longer do it.

I met the man I'm seeing in the pub; we just got talking. Had I been doing online dating, he wouldn't ever have come up in my search results due to my parameters. Even when I was desperate and widened them, he wouldn't have come up. He's not at all what I thought I wanted but he is exactly what I need. He's lovely.

Happy also meant to say that the more you post, the more I recognise myself in you.

I suspect that's because most of us are in a similar position at a similar age and/or point in our lives.

Your experience is like most other women's from what I can make out.

I think it's interesting that a lot of men on dating sites will target women who have newly joined. There's a reason for this. It's because they're less discerning; more likely easily wooed into bed; more likely to buy the crap. Just a bit naive to the ways of online dating really.

I would like to thank everybody again for taking time to answer. You’ve really helped me a lot!!!
I know it sucks at the moment but after reading all your comments, I actually feel much more positive and optimistic.

I think that whatever happened , it’s a reflection on him , not me. I will keep on telling myself that it was all “practise” and hopefully next time I will be much wiser. Just hope that I will meet the right one one day.

Thank you sooo much again for your responses, support, advice and kind words xx

Happy good luck x

3 years and the B**ch did it by txt out the blue, caused a lot of resentment and some getting even.

A text after 3 years is unacceptable but why would you bother "getting even"?

Surely you'd just accept you were better off without someone like that and get on with your life?

Hope you're feeling a bit better today OP!

The idea of meeting (even just phoning) for "closure" sounds awful to me. Who wants that awkwardness?! Either person.

I dumped someone (OLD) by text after 2 months.
Bottom line - just no spark.
I said that (using an in joke we had) and acknowledged that he might find a text quite abrupt - but that I personally would rather receive a text than meet in person, so thought he might too. And that if he wanted to talk, that was fine (whilst hoping he wouldn't!)

He replied that he also had spent the last date "not feeling it". Which I don't think was the case at all, but texting allowed him to retain some pride.

What could I have said if we'd met? Would it have been closure to know he was the worst kisser I'd ever met, a hypochondriac, and worst of all left all organisation of dates to me?

Kind, if blunt, texts are fine.

My last boyfriend dumped me by text after 15 months! I actually called him to check that he had, in case it was a joke! We ended up having a nice chit chat about other things. End of the day - what's there to say when a relationship ends? Sometimes, the spark just isn't there.

He may have been "love bombing" - but more likely he was just throwing himself into th fun of dating someone new, until he realised it didn't have legs.

Don't let it put you off - sometimes it'll be you that is backing off!

It's hard to say how not to invest too early. But I would say this - take everything said with a massive pinch of salt.

The truth is after eight weeks it was still in the very early stages when being on his best behaviour wasn’t a chore. It sounds like, he got bored and wasn’t prepared to continue making the effort. Unfortunately, for some, love bombing and future faking are dating strategies and they intentionally fast track ‘relationships’ to see see what’s in it for them whilst neglecting the feelings of the other party. You had the misfortune to come across and get attached to a chancer, next time you will me cautious.

Be thankful for small mercies, he could have strung you along for longer.

In some ways I think a text is a good way to end a relationship but only a short one. If someone has decided you are not for them do you really want a detailed description of why you're not up to scratch.

When I was dumped by text it was actually great, because it straight away confirmed that the person I had still been in love with up to that point was not a person of very great worth after all. He had done me a favour in fact.