Ending a relationship by text

[Happy2018]

Hi all.
Just wanted to know people’s thoughts on the situation when you are dumped by text. It’s recently happened to me. Is it a common way to end a relationship by text nowadays? I find it difficult to understand that because there is no closure? What is the best way to cope with that so that one could move on? Thanks in advance.

It's never acceptable to dump someone by to text It's cowardly, cold and rude!

It's a disgusting and cowardly way to end a relationship. if he doesn't have the balls to come and tell you face to face then just be thankful you are rid of him.

I was once dumped by email a week after he'd asked me to move in with him. He refused to answer my calls or reply to my texts. I was totally blindsided. Didn't see it coming at all and was utterly bereft at the time. I struggled with the lack of closure, I questioned everything he'd said and done and wondered for how long he'd been feeling like that for. It made our entire relationship feel like a lie, which actually helped me with getting over it.

Years later he started texting me, trying to go down memory lane and apologising for how he'd behaved. I could have probably got answers, but in honesty I just wasn't interested in anything he had to say. We met briefly when he finally agreed to hand back my things and again whilst I was civil I very much wanted to just grab my things and run whilst he tried to catch up like old friends. Just knowing he no longer had a hold over me more than made up for the lack of closure (plus he looked like shit when I saw him!).

Whilst it feels raw now, the fact you were only together a couple of months will make it easier, coupled with knowing he clearly wasn't the guy you thought you were falling for to treat you this way. Create your own closure, throw yourself into hobbies or seeing friends and before you know it he'll barely figure in your mind.

I'm on the fence here.. in some ways it is better because you can save face by dealing with your upset in private. But I agree it smacks a bit of 'they never actually cared'.

I think after two months a phone call would've been better. Not necessarily a big meet-up.

AutumnTrees, it happened about a week ago. It’s just difficult to believe that a person who seemed lovely, caring, kind, genuine, gentle and totally into me would end it so abruptly and unemotionally by text. I would never ever do that to anybody. I ended relationships before and always did it in the nicest possible way. Break ups are always difficult and painful especially for a person who is being dumped. And they are especially difficult is they are abrupt and sudden and done by text. You can’t possible convey everything in a text message. I always think if you cared even once about that person, end it with them nicely - tell them in person. Think about their feelings too even if you don’t want a relationship with them.

Thank you so much again to all the posters who took time to respond to my post. I really appreciate it xx

Call him? Try to get the reason why. I'm sure you will get the reason why if you call him. Then move on

Is it cold and cowardly? I dumped a guy by text after five or six dates. He was rubbish at being in touch and away frequently for longish periods, we just weren’t connecting.

I ended it with a very polite uncritical text, he never replied, now that’s rude 😂

It's never acceptable to dump someone by to text It's cowardly, cold and rude!

Nonsense.

Who wants to go on a few dates with someone over a month or so and get ready for a night out with the person they're dating only to be told that they don't want to take it any further?

Unless it's an established relationship, there's not going to be a reason beyond - "I didn't like what you said about women who wear burqas"; "I don't believe in UFOs and don't want to be with someone who is a member of a society that does"; "I think you're a bit of a twat"; "You chew too noisily"; "I just don't fancy you as much as I thought I did"; "I didn't like the way you talked about your ex loudly in public"; "I just don't think your lifestyle would be compatible with mine long term"; "I have been seeing a couple of other people at the same time and have really connected with one of them" (all except the last are reasons I've stopped seeing someone after a few dates).

After a couple of months dating, it's going to boil down to chemistry or compatiblity. Not a great misunderstanding or something that someone has done that needs talking through or understanding.

It would seem like a huge over reaction to meet to tell someone. As long you tell someone and don't ghost them, a text is fine.

I was once dumped by email a week after he'd asked me to move in with him.

It's unacceptable in these circumstances though!

Happy two months really is early days to be thinking of yourself as being in a relationship. If he was constantly telling you how fab you were and talking about all these amazing plans then it's so easy to get sucked in to his fantasy relationship (which seemed very real to you as he painted the picture). I have a rule of thumb which helps me to keep things in perspective during the heady early days. Don't hang too much on his words but take heed of his actions. It's easy to say we'll do this we'll do that when in reality you hang out together at each other's places watching telly with little other effort being made. Plenty of people are happy to rub along with someone for a while who's pleasant enough if they're getting laid and it's easy enough to get together with not too much effort. They say what they think is 'kind' which comes across as committed, because they're not trying to hurt you (oh the irony) and they probably believe it when they say it.

The other thing I try and do is not plan too far in advance with booking or planning stuff like trips away or buying tickets. So roughly I don't plan ahead more than we've been together. I know life can't be run by rules but keeping these notions in mind in the early days helps me to keep perspective. I wouldn't think of myself as being in a committed relationship until about the six month mark but that's just me.

In the meantime treat yourself as you would a friend. Do something lovely for yourself each day. The shock is very jarring when you're not expecting it.

Break ups are always difficult and painful especially for a person who is being dumped

I would disagree. I think that someone ending it after a few weeks (which is the same as 2 months), then it isn't necessarily difficult and painful. In fact, it only really is when it has been built up into something more than it really was.

Because after 2 months, it isn't really any more than 'dating'.

Tbh, I wouldn't want to be told in person. I am absolutely fine with a text/email.

I think that the problem in your situation, Happy is that he love bombed you; you believed him and became emotionally attached as a result; he ended a few weeks of dating in a perfectly acceptable way; it felt like it was worse than it was to you because in your head it had become a 'relationship' when, really, it wasn't.

Be kind to yourself and make the next one work a bit harder for your affections. Actions and time speak louder than words.

He was the driving force behind it all - showering me with love and attention and making plans for the future

This struck me as well. I reckon anyone who is full on at the beginning of a relationship is more likely than the average person to be a ghoster.

Some people love the excitement of a new relationship, utterly throw themselves into it and then get bored pretty quickly and on the lookout for the next exciting new relationship. It hurts but better to find this out relatively quickly, I reckon.

The "full on then ghost" types can also have a habit of trying to reel you back in afterwards. Part of the game innit? So perhaps be a bit wary of the "So sorry for treating you badly. I was under so much pressure at work/was confused because I love you so much/was hospitalised with ebola/wanted to protect you" move that might come next when you've ignored him for a couple of weeks.

I don't plan ahead more than we've been together

Was just going to add this and then saw Been's post.

I think this is the crucial one.

I tend to think that men who try to push with planning ahead are either a) full of shit or b) emotionally unstable.

Autumntrees you chew too noisily 😄so true. Sometimes I've waved away a niggle at the beginning but then it just builds up into an intolerable habit by date five.

Hi I'm really sorry if this is totally inappropriate and you don't have to answer my question in here I'm just going to say what happened to me . I had met this person twice at my friends house party . We clicked straight away . Both times didn't do anything at all . Just sat there all talking and enjoying the night . We would all fall asleep on the sofa wake up and go home then I'd have messages off him all day nice messages like he had a good night he would like to see me again . I was wary so just kept in contact through texts for a good few months then finally I agreed to meet up . We would go out for meals and to his house to watch films he was the most caring person I had ever met. Always showering me with compliments constantly texting me everyday all day this went in for months . I still hasn't slept with him at this point because I wasn't ready at all I just had a bad feeling for some reason . Then one night we went out for dinner and back to his and it happened . He was still his really caring lovely self up until I left and that's the 1st time I didn't hear off him at all . I text after a few hours because we were supposed to go for a meal and stay in a hotel
That night . Instead I see on Facebook that he is out with his friends getting drunk 😂 the next day I have a short reply only now seeing this I'm so hungover. I tried making conversation but it was practically a few words being replied and you could tell they were forced . So Iv come to the conclusion that he made me think we were in a really good relationship and he was even planning the future 😂 just to bed me ! Obviously before me if he wanted a girl he could have them no problem and I think that when he realised he couldn't with me I was like some kind of mission to him . Iv learnt my lesson big time . We still talk occasionally because I don't hate him I just have lost all respect for him . He was taught me a lot aswell as to not be that naive again . X

Exactly, Been!

I'd also say that I give myself a lot longer than maybe I used to before deciding if I actually want to be in a relationship with a person to give chance for those things to become apparent!

I'm monogamous from the first date (don't do multidating at all), but wouldn't consider myself to be in a 'relationship' until around the 6 month mark at least. Until then, it's dating, where there is no expectation and no commitment.

@Popchyk hospitalised with Ebola 😂😂😂 I'm gone !

Nope. It is rude and disrespectful ending any relationship with a text! Wth are we if we cannot be respectful of each other? I rang a guy up the other day to end, well not even a relationship, just two dates because he deserved a bit of honestly and respect. Jeez, 'go to the foot of our stairs'! The world has gone mad!

AutumnTrees and Been, regarding planning ahead. Date 2 - he said that he wanted to take me abroad to some country - apparently a romantic place . I was just laughing thinking it was a joke. Date 3 - he said that he trusted me ALREADY! Date 4 - invited me to his work do which was two and a half months away. Wanted me to meet his parents (never happened) and friends (met some).

I can see it now that it was all going way too fast. I know that two months can hardly be called “being in a relationship” but it really felt like that tbh. The contact was daily (messages, phone calls and hours of conversation). He was definitely full on and seemed enthusiastic. It really helps to read your posts because you can pick up and point some red flags that I wasn’t noticing at the time.

I think dumping somebody by text after a few dates (5-6) is acceptable but we probably had about 20 dates plus daily phone calls. I think it’s enough time to get to know somebody at least a little but and to develop some connection.

Is it balls nonsense.

You'd ring your dentist to cancel wouldn't you let alone someone you were seeing for months.

Bibbidee, this is my point exactly!!!

Other people have hearts and feelings too. If you’ve made an effort to go on dates with them, gave them your time and attention, surely you deserve at least a phone call and not just a blunt text message.

I understand that nobody wants to get all dressed up and go out thinking they will have a great time but then be told that a relationship is over. But phoning the other person and suggesting to meet up for coffee “we need to talk” kind of thing - I would find it easier tbh. That’s what I would be if I had more than let’s say 10 dates with that person or if i could feel that we’ve already developed some kind of connection.
Maybe it’s good to show your emotions (not in hysterical way) instead of bottling them up. At least, when you talk you can see body/face expressions and you can possibly work out if that person actually cared about you at all.

My ex finished with me by text (on my 21st), we'd known each other for 7/8 months. It hurt. It was like he didn't have the guts to do it to my face.
But in the end I did move on. I tried to focus on other things. It's not easy but it's doable.

I know that two months can hardly be called “being in a relationship” but it really felt like that tbh

I can absolutely see this, it's the main reason why people make a conscious effort to take things slowly.

See the timeline you have given...

I think of myself as having a mental blackboard. Each of those things you describe would have been recorded on my mental blackboard. These are things that, in and of themselves might not be a huge problem - could be overenthusiasm or genuine even. But, if at the end of 3 dates, there were 3 things on my blackboard, then I wouldn't have seen him again.

You won't get caught out by someone like this again though, will you

lou8719, so sorry it happened to you.

We didn’t become intimate. I wanted to wait and build up emotional intimacy first. He was prepared to wait. I am actually glad now that it didn’t happen.

I've been there Happy and really fell for the fantasy so I'm very much the braking system now in the early days even when all I want to do is rush at him full on and smother him in love hopeless romantic here.

To address your original question I do think you deserved to be told in person but these days it's all so easy to avoid awkward scenes from behind an app.

AutumnTrees I'm monogamous from a successful first date as I'm psychologically incapable of multidating. I think my relationship status is best described as serial monogamist!

It’s just difficult to believe that a person who seemed lovely, caring, kind, genuine, gentle and totally into me would end it so abruptly and unemotionally by text. I would never ever do that to anybody

Yeah but plenty of people behave badly especially when emotions are involved. There is very much I think a male approach of avoiding any emotional interaction and plenty of men think dumping a woman (particularly one who they think likes them more than they do in return) will cause an outpouring of tears, reproachfulness and trauma they would rather avoid.

I'd focus on the at least it was only 2 months point. Here's a story that might make you realise it could have been alot worse:

A woman I used to work with had been dating man for about 2 -3 years. They had recently moved in together, were engaged and had a date set. They were talking about starting to try for children and timing. One day she came home from work and he had moved out. All his stuff gone. Not even a note. She called his work and he'd given notice apparently saying he was "going travelling". She never heard from him again. I didn't know her that well but I've never seen a person so devastated - so god knows what her closest friends saw.

It was brutal stuff.

Not a cheering story other than to say - it could always be worse and better now than months later when you were more invested.