How would you feel?

[aftertheevent]

Went for lunch today with h who can be a bit of a mansplainer. Anyway went for lunch to lovely country inn. There he was offering me advise on what I should drink and how I should act at work. Bit bored of it really and I think it showed.
On way home somehow the conversation got to insecurities and he decided to tell me I was insecure about my looks out of the blue. Out of nowhere we had been discussing work and I have just been promoted.
Well I wasn't best pleased as I am just about recovered from his cheating with much younger women some time ago...years in fact...and Ive only just managed to regain my confidence in all areas of my life.
When I explained that was a low blow he began talking about how good I looked for my age so I said stop you are making it worse he began raising his voice telling me that I should not be upset. Phew.
Bloody hell wouldn't you be?
I have to admit looks are important to me but only because I enjoy all the fun of it. He is sooooo patronising.

He sounds awful.

Are you happy in your relationship?

This morning he is ignoring me. He says I do this every weekend! Raising his voice again. No not very happy with him at all.

Yes I do regret being so weak and staying. He actually enjoyed me being so devastated and wouldn't talk about it. So I got on and rebuilt my career. I have been to a solicitor just to test the waters.

You've said that you're used to this, that you've learned to ignore it. Even if you know his reasons for being an abuser you're still being hurt by him. You're wise to him but still being damaged.

You've not said that you're going to leave. He won't change so trying to reason with him won't work. If leaving/ divorce seem scary try imagining lying on your death bed wishing you'd actually lived free instead of as this prick's whipping boy.

Take back your life!

Cross post- am so pleased you're looking out for yourself

You can still leave him. Just because you stayed then doesn’t mean you have to now. Think about living like this for the rest of your life.

I know it just seems so difficult. how some people can be so full of resolve is wonderful. Don't know why I cant. He actually believes he is right as per Lundy bancroft. Tis a toxic way to treat me.

How did it go when you went to the solicitors?

May be thinking about an exit plan: what steps do you need to take? What do you need copies of? Where do you want to live? Perhaps breaking it into smaller pieces would help it seem less difficult.

Good for you for rebuilding your career!!!! Good for you for seeing his behavior for what it is!! Good for you for seeing a solicitor! Give yourself credit for the positive steps you've already taken.

You can do better

Living like this is hard.