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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you feel?

60 replies

aftertheevent · 03/11/2017 20:36

Went for lunch today with h who can be a bit of a mansplainer. Anyway went for lunch to lovely country inn. There he was offering me advise on what I should drink and how I should act at work. Bit bored of it really and I think it showed.
On way home somehow the conversation got to insecurities and he decided to tell me I was insecure about my looks out of the blue. Out of nowhere we had been discussing work and I have just been promoted.
Well I wasn't best pleased as I am just about recovered from his cheating with much younger women some time ago...years in fact...and Ive only just managed to regain my confidence in all areas of my life.
When I explained that was a low blow he began talking about how good I looked for my age so I said stop you are making it worse he began raising his voice telling me that I should not be upset. Phew.
Bloody hell wouldn't you be?
I have to admit looks are important to me but only because I enjoy all the fun of it. He is sooooo patronising.

OP posts:
Cambionome · 03/11/2017 21:46

Oh God - do you really need this in your life?
He sounds like an insecure little man who is feeling a bit worried by your new job and now has to knock you down a bit.

You can do better than this, op.

Maelstrop · 03/11/2017 21:53

My god, can you imagine looking back in 20 years and saying the same thing? Because you will be. Or you could leave and enjoy life.

CoyoteCafe · 03/11/2017 22:12

Have you read "Why Does He Do That?" It's an excellent book. Not all of it will ring true for you, but some of it will. I think it might be interesting to read through and highlight all the bits that are true of your relationship and get a clearer picture.

He sounds emotionally abusive and controlling. He can't stand you being successful so he had to make you feel bad, and he knows all your buttons so he can make quick work of it.

It's not too late to leave and have a different life. Or to stay but change the dynamic by understanding his sh*t and using that knowledge to put a stop to it.

Original poster
aftertheevent · 03/11/2017 22:24

So he came back in and I was still a bit pissed off. Was raising his voice saying I wasn't normal and was always offended and has stormed off upstairs.

OP posts:
Original poster
aftertheevent · 03/11/2017 22:27

I said any woman would be offended. He said if you are offended you are proving my point.

OP posts:
CoyoteCafe · 03/11/2017 22:33

I really suggest reading "why does he do that?" He's been jerking you around for a long time.

Shoxfordian · 03/11/2017 22:39

Do you want this to be the rest of your life?

AuntyElle · 03/11/2017 22:42

You sound like you're at the perfect point to get rid.
You've clearly given him many 'second chances' to improve. You've done your best.
Now you get to focus on your career and wellbeing. Could be very positive and exciting...

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 03/11/2017 22:49

Omg op, he is a stupid, useless, pathetic twat! Why the fuck do you think you deserve this utter wanker bringing you down?? Serious question btw.

OpenThePickles · 03/11/2017 22:49

He's jealous of your promotion and trying to 'bring you down a peg'. Or maybe he can sense a change in your attitude towards him.

Original poster
aftertheevent · 03/11/2017 23:00

Yes you are right. Will concentrate on my well being as best I can. Its just so childish to storm up to bed. He is offended that I'm offended! lol
I have read bits of Why does he do that. and its my anger he can't cope with. Wasn't angry just sad.Sad

OP posts:
CoyoteCafe · 03/11/2017 23:13

Were you sad before he started all this?

It’s not a real fight. It is him creating drama to f*ck with you. But he messes it around until you can’t think clearly about it, then tells you that you’re crazy.

Original poster
aftertheevent · 03/11/2017 23:24

Yes he does do this but I've got wise to it and don't react. I used to be so upset and then he'd call me crazy you are right. This was a watered down version because I wouldn't bite.

OP posts:
Bloomed · 03/11/2017 23:32

This is no way to live. Why are you with him now?

nightgap · 03/11/2017 23:37

you are not insecure about your looks, he is. I bet you look gor, he is putting you down, because he is insecure... go girl

Mooncuplanding · 03/11/2017 23:46

He's a colossal bellend

Life genuinely is too short for voluntary misery like this

Why wouldn't you dump him now?

Belleoftheball8 · 04/11/2017 08:00

Ditch sans run life’s too short for this shit.

Mustang27 · 04/11/2017 08:56

Why oh why are you with this man. You are clearly successful and beautiful (for your age Hmm grrr) you have put up with him destroying your confidence with his cheating.

Can I just say I think this is completely tactical (abusive) on his part he sees how well you are doing and he is trying frantically to take you down a few notches so you keep coming back to his boring sorry arse.

I think you have outgrown this twat move on and enjoy your life he will drag you down. Do you really want to be the one potentially wiping his ass in old age and illness. I wouldn’t.

Peanutbuttercheese · 04/11/2017 10:13

I agree he is trying to keep you down, he is realising you can survive without him and doesn't like it. He realises he may lose you which is just what he deserves really.

Acrosstheuniverse123 · 04/11/2017 10:15

Why on God's earth are you with this guy?

thegirlupnorth · 04/11/2017 10:24

Worthless and I'd LTB

Cupoteap · 04/11/2017 10:39

You fought to stay with him...do you regret it?

Mishappening · 04/11/2017 10:42

What are you doing with this man? Why are you there? Children are adults now; and you only have one life. Do you really want to waste any more of your precious life on him?

Gingernaut · 04/11/2017 10:46

Stay in your job.

Save as much money as you can.

When happy with your nest egg, dvorce him citing unreasonable behaviour and go for half of all marital assets.

Lesley1980 · 04/11/2017 10:50

He is keeping you in your place. If you were happy & confident in yourself you might leave him & he would have no one. He has to keep picking away at you so it looks like he is the best you can get.