Testing a man’s obnoxious side

[Notmyrealname85]

Been seeing a great great guy for last six months. Started slowly and now living in each other’s pockets :)

But... on Monday we went out for a meal at a v nice place where the staff are v v attentive and love to provide good service. He spoke over them on say six or seven instances, where they were trying to put the food down and explain where food was sourced from (they’re into that), or give us menus or ask us how our food was to each course (five courses)

What should’ve been a lovely special evening was instead frankly a bit shit. When we’re together he asks about my day endlessly, cooks all the time and refuses to let me clean up... it’s heaven!! And then we go somewhere nice and this time he’s rude to staff when being lovely to me.. it was like being on say a fourth date with someone when you realise they’re a dick, and they’re chatting away trying to impress you and all you’re thinking is get me out of here

Obvious example - by end of evening staff were clearly little bit bored of serving us because of him. When they’d ask how a dish was he’d bluster “oh awful, worst thing I’ve tasted... like it was out of a bin” etc every bloody time! It wasn’t funny, even though he was clearly trying to be... and when he’d say this he would deliver these lines to me jokingly, so he didn’t even properly address the waiters. Maybe I’m being too sensitive but manners and respect for others are very important to me!!

Three months ago there was something similar at the cinema. He was asking someone who worked there how to find the exit (he didn’t know I was nearby) and was quite short with him, and stroppy almost. It was really ridiculous and I pulled him up on it at the time

Also on Monday, maybe three times he made crude remarks about me and sex the staff waiting at nearby tables were likely to hear; I was mortified and told him each time to stop :( he was giddy though, honestly if I didn’t know better I’d assume he was secretly coke-y (he’s not...I hope)

Last night ended with me asking why he was so obnoxious all of a sudden and telling him all these examples...

Does anyone have experience of this? It’s rare enough that I don’t have enough evidence as to whether he’s a secretly horrid person... can I set up a test somehow...

[TheNaze73]

He’s done a proper job on you. Run!

[CoyoteCafe]

I think if you stay with him, he’ll eventually direct that behavior at you. He is showing you who he really is.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

It is a power play: Ego supply at the expense of others. Wait staff are easy no-risk targets. When he thinks he has built up enough knight-in-shining-armour credit points with all of his nice-nice attentiveness, he will turn to you for his supply as then, he may think, it would be too hard for you to leave your ""prince"". He has already started this with the kiss and tell public humiliation.

A nicely worded request for him to stop this would only be met with laughter and teasing-blame the victim. Don't waste your breath or time on this one. Call time and move on. No blame needed, no educating him- he knows he is doing this. You could say you just don't see this relationship going the distance, so it is best to end it now.

[Worriedobsessive]

I’d you keep him, imagine how much of “chef’s special sauce” you’ll be eating

[Butterymuffin]

So being rude to service staff is now excusable as social anxiety?

[Anatidae]

Men who do the sexual crude comment stuff in public - it’s a way of dominating. Another highly unpleasant trait.

[expatinscotland]

When people show you who they are, listen.

DTMFA. I'd have left after the cinema incident.

[OneMoreTune]

Miss witch - I had an ex bf who was polite to waiting staff and loved animals. He definitely had a personality disorder, was controlling, spied on me, was vindictive and played mind games all the time.

But give him any kind of animal and he would treat it like a king/Queen. Possibly because he was completely in charge if it, he “owned” it, it was dependent on him and only him, he had the power to inflict misery on its life but of course didn’t... but still had the power.... can you see it would appeal to his controlling personality... and the waiting staff he was polite to as he was clever enough to know it looked bad if he wasn’t and he was all about how it looked in public.

[OneMoreTune]

OP - the crude thing was to humiliate you, if you think he deliberately said it loud enough for others to hear.

[hattyhighlighter]

How someone talks about other people and how they treat other people gives you a good idea about how they might treat you one day.

^^ this

[mylittlepony6]

Have you tried speaking to him about it? You could do this and if it improves, great. If not, LTB

[hellsbellsmelons]

Could he be doing coke?
Does he head to the toilet when you are out?
I would talk to him first.
Tell him it's a deal-breaker for you and see what he says.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

I'd question why your first thought was that he might be coked up... has he made you think this before?

Sounds to me as though he was showing off, feeling out of his depth and not knowing how to behave in a nice restaurant. The crude comments were right out of order though - trying to turn things to sex when you're out for a nice meal...I'd bin him for that alone.